How to stop being so avoidant?

[BarkingAtTheCheesecake]

I avoid anything that is even remotely unpleasant or requires an effort. At work, in my marriage, looking after my health, social stuff, life admin, etc. I procrastinate every day for hours and only do the bare minimum. I don't think I'm particularly lazy. I can work hard if it's easy or doesn't involve any negative emotions. And I work my socks off or force myself to get out of my comfort zone if it directly concerns my kids. I think, it's more of an anxiety / can't cope with even the slightest of unpleasantness thing. E.g. I haven't told my manager about all the leave I need to take because I'm worried it will make me look bad but then of course booking it last minute is even worse. I don't follow up stuff at work if it involves talking to anyone because I worry they'll realise I'm an imposter. I promise my husband to talk about problems in our marriage but then postpone it for years. I don't call family members because they are unwell and it's unpleasant talking to them. Maybe I'm just a selfish shit. Somewhere I definitely am. Too selfish to make an effort.

I have adhd. I don't take my medication regularly because I hate how they make me feel but they do help ever so slightly with this. But not at a lot.

I don't like being like this. I'm in my forties and I feel I'm not just wasting my life but also continuously letting other people down. Massively. I know i just need to accept that some times I Will be anxious and do stuff anyway but I'm just not able to push myself.

I know I'm being unreasonable and I know this is no way to live. Dh had found a good holiday deal but because I kept procrastinating to ask for work we have now missed out on it. I don't know how much longer I can coast at work or deal with the feelings of guilt. and I say I can do stuff when it concerns the kids directly but obviously indirectly they would hugely benefit if I was just better at living. At being an adult.

I need advice, or a pep talk. Or a kick in the backside. I need something. This isn't a way to live.

This is your adhd. Find a good counsellor and work through your feelings about it.

100% adhd

I’m like this!! I feel like I self-sabotage a lot. Really wondering if I have adhd.

I agree though, when I was reading your thread I was thinking “adhd” before you mentioned it. Maybe take your meds more?

No idea but you have just described me perfectly!

Agree ADHD.
have you tried therapy ? It can help with this.

Take your meds! Or thermopro burn supplement. What you describe is me unmedicated.
What is the feeling you don't like when you take them?

Yes I was thinking ADHD before you mentioned it. Maybe you need to take or change your medication.

I would start with your medication which you say you don't want to take because of how it makes you feel.

write down the problems you have with it and go to your GP and get that sorted.

everything else will probably feel better when you can get your adhd under control. Tackle one thing at a time otherwise you'll feel overwhelmed.

Pathological Demand Avoidance

Your post resonated with me so much, OP.
I have ADHD too, but have been unmedicated for years, because I’d have to get a psych assessment to go back on meds and I CBA.
For me (I’ve explored in therapy), a lot of it was the fact I didn’t have a great experience during childhood and was responsible for a lot of things that a child shouldn’t be. I didn’t have the ‘loving mother, or father’ beside me, to hold my hand doing things that were tricky, so now I associate tricky things with emptiness, aloneness and fear.

I have missed out on so many things (incl holidays like you). I don’t look after my health, because I’m terrified of what might be discovered. I’ve lost money from being disorganised. Everything feels So Hard and I get a massive resistance that is so hard to get past. Plus things give me huge anxiety, so I avoid them, but the anxiety is worse if I don’t do them.

I also think that maybe this anxiety fills a void, otherwise I just feel empty.

One small tip I read recently is along the lines of “dopamine first”, we’ve been programmed to have the reward for the hard work, when in fact, it helps to have the reward first, to bring about a release of dopamine to motivate us to continue. I’m planning on trying this!

Hugs, because it’s hard

Agree ADHD.

Try different meds. It took four attempts to find the right type for me.

Yabu in that your not taking your medication which then affects all aspects of your life and then your family and career too. I say this as someone also adhd and hating my meds but my family depend on me to function, try a med review if you feel the medication isn't right. If your partner was depressed or diabetic and didn't take the medication that can help them and indirectly those around them you would get pretty frustrated

@WorriedMillie I don't know how to DM people but would have sent you one today thank you - as your post made light bulbs fire off for me. I'm ADHD diagnosed here and my god that's my childhood and character you've described. Thank you

OP, you could try doing One Brave Thing every other day. However small. Not every day as too stressful. And reward self afterwards. Talk to self aloud if possible, cheerleader style. You got this, go me, you're so amazing being so brave, etc, like you would to a toddler.
I think it's adhd because we didn't GET enough attention, the deficit was from our childhood. life is bloody hard and being an adult is bloody hard.

I think you are massively underestimating the level of awful you will be creating for other people.

Putting off problems in your marriage for years is taking your husband for an absolute mug, and in effect is you prioritizing yourself so profoundly/utterly selfishly that you must accept responsibility for the corrosive impact of it. I’ve been in his position, and the fake surprise when I ended the marriage because of it was just another level of breathtaking. Whether it is ADHD or not is irrelevant when you are still OK with fucking it up for everyone else. For all your ‘it’s no way to live’ you are still quite OK with not taking action.

Avoidant is just storing up problems, you will have years of experiencing the negative impacts of this and still it isn’t enough for you to take action. What would it take for you to get serious about this?

My husband is a lot like this.

I have no magic solutions but it's positive that you have a diagnosis and medication. Definitely try other types/doses of meds.

ADHD coach might help too?

Before I got to the ADHD part I was going to tell you to get assessed for it.

It's ADHD. I'm currently in bed avoiding the day having woken up hours ago in a state of anxiety about it being Monday. I also have ADHD.

This is me too. Although not yet officially diagnosed, I am on a waiting list for an assessment as my psychiatrist believes I have ADHD.

I have left jobs if they have become too boring or hard work, I’ve given up on friendships if they are too taxing and require to much input and effort.
I am the kind of person who will place unopened bills/invoices in a drawer because I just can’t face opening them and dealing with the effort it takes.

Every day housework seems like a mammoth task and I will put it off all day long only to then whizz round cleaning like a loon an hour before everyone gets home. I walk over piles of books I promise myself I will read and never do as it’s too much effort, I have scraps of endless notes which I’ve written down lists of stuff to do and never actually do! I will drive my car with the fuel light on red for ages because refuelling is just too much effort.

Right now the dog is staring at me with his big sad eyes because he wants a walk but I can’t be arsed, however, I am more than happy to spend all day staring at a wall or wasting my hours on Tik Tok or MN than getting dinner ready or doing the ironing because it’s boring yet DH can crack on with all the stuff he needs to do with gusto and does it with ease and speed. Every now and then he cleans out the kitchen cupboards when he’s had enough of everything piling up and tumbling out because I have triple stocked up with stuff I ‘need’ but never actually intend to use, he often finds stuff years out of date. I could go on and on.

Yet when absolutely needed I can work hard. Atm, I do my job well, I do so much for my dc and my parents but it is all a huge effort which no one really understands, the desire to just do nothing is huge, every bloody day.

I don’t know what the answer is for you as I’ve obviously not found it myself but I get it.

Hi, can I take a different approach… you have been diagnosed as suffering ADHD. If you’re in your 40s I’d be surprised if you got diagnosed at school unless you were very symptomatic or had an unusually enlightened school. So I’m assuming you’ve either been struggling your entire life or you were proactive enough to get an adult diagnosis.

You are also in your 40s so it’s likely you are peri. That can cause increased anxiety. Which can be crippling all by itself.

I think you can sink under that mental To Do list . Caring for kids and working is a big ask. Don’t underestimate how much you are achieving even if it feels like treading water or perhaps struggling to stay afloat.

Ask yourself:

What is the quality of your sleep like

Could you set an alarm for 5.30am each day and go for a swim/ do yoga/ jog? Why not ?

My top tip for the work avoidance is write an email and put it on delay send so it reaches your boss at 8am next morning. Keep emails short and factual and put ball in manager’s court - “please could we discuss this on Friday - I’ll book ten minutes in our calendars” Somehow distancing myself allows me to relax.

This, in bucketloads.
ADHD isn't an excuse for doing nothing for the rest of your life, it's a reason why you need to put more effort in and find solutions that work for you.
You'll have more worries when your husband walks out and you get fired. And all the Mumnetters in the world going 'oh it's not your fault, you have ADHD' isn't going to pay the mortgage.

The people acting like OP can just switch her very real symptoms of a very real condition off

This is why it sucks having ADHD.

“So what if you have ADHD, just do the thing!”

ADHD is literally the block between knowing and doing.

People can’t think that through.

If you have ADHD it doesn't mean you can be excused from life, it means you need ways to get on with life while having ADHD.

LeoTheLeopard would you tell
someone with clinical depression to ‘pull themselves together’ and think happy thoughts?
Why do you think it’s simple and easy for someone with ADHD to pull themselves together just by making a bit of extra effort?

Can you talk to GP about changing your meds or therapy to help with this? If your ADHD meds don't really help with the avoidance behaviours and make you feel bad then a different approach might work?

Sounds like you are in a cycle of avoidance and beating yourself up about avoidance that is just making you feel even worse. I am a lot like this so I can really sympathise with your predicament, OP

I would say, here’s your tablet, do you want to take it?

all of us (including me) can self-sabotage at times. OP wants it to be different but has no intention of taking of the actions required to make it different.

Her husband doesn’t owe her sabotaging his own life to make hers more pleasant. She does actually have a level of agency.

No one is saying it’s easy, but people are saying it’s possible. OP seems to be doing a grand total of zero to help herself here.

The OP asked how she can stop being avoidant:
Take the prescribed medication
Think about the negative consequences she has borne in the past
Seek out therapy
Sleep/exercise/diet
Repeat to herself that “I didn’t mean for that to happen” doesn’t mean that someone else hasn’t to pick up the pieces.
… everything she has been told a million times before.