How to stop being so avoidant?

[BarkingAtTheCheesecake]

I avoid anything that is even remotely unpleasant or requires an effort. At work, in my marriage, looking after my health, social stuff, life admin, etc. I procrastinate every day for hours and only do the bare minimum. I don't think I'm particularly lazy. I can work hard if it's easy or doesn't involve any negative emotions. And I work my socks off or force myself to get out of my comfort zone if it directly concerns my kids. I think, it's more of an anxiety / can't cope with even the slightest of unpleasantness thing. E.g. I haven't told my manager about all the leave I need to take because I'm worried it will make me look bad but then of course booking it last minute is even worse. I don't follow up stuff at work if it involves talking to anyone because I worry they'll realise I'm an imposter. I promise my husband to talk about problems in our marriage but then postpone it for years. I don't call family members because they are unwell and it's unpleasant talking to them. Maybe I'm just a selfish shit. Somewhere I definitely am. Too selfish to make an effort.

I have adhd. I don't take my medication regularly because I hate how they make me feel but they do help ever so slightly with this. But not at a lot.

I don't like being like this. I'm in my forties and I feel I'm not just wasting my life but also continuously letting other people down. Massively. I know i just need to accept that some times I Will be anxious and do stuff anyway but I'm just not able to push myself.

I know I'm being unreasonable and I know this is no way to live. Dh had found a good holiday deal but because I kept procrastinating to ask for work we have now missed out on it. I don't know how much longer I can coast at work or deal with the feelings of guilt. and I say I can do stuff when it concerns the kids directly but obviously indirectly they would hugely benefit if I was just better at living. At being an adult.

I need advice, or a pep talk. Or a kick in the backside. I need something. This isn't a way to live.

Thanks everyone for the replies. And for being understanding and kind!!

Medication: I take 50mg of lisdexamphetamine (elvanse). It doesn't help with procrastination (which is my biggest problem) but it helps me focus on my thoughts. About an hour after taking them I do feel more confident and motivated but this doesn't last long. Maybe for about another hour though the ability to focus and think coherently lasts for a bit longer.

Why don't I like them: it's hard to describe but I feel slightly on edge on them. What's worse is that I feel very flat. Very serious and joyless. Very matter of fact. No patience. No tolerance for any silliness or playfulness. It's OK at work but I don't want to be like that with the kids or even with dh. And when they start wearing off I crash. I feel very tired and my symptoms come back with a vengeance. Also, i really, really struggle with sleep wheh medicated. I wake up in the middle of the night and cant go baxk to sleep for hours. The positive effects are minor. It doesn't solve most of my problems. Just allows me to think a bit clearer.

It was the same when I was taking dexamphetamine, ie the instant release version (which seems to be extremely hars to get now). When I first started taking meds I took methylphenidate but I got a rash with that so I doubt they would prescribe it again. Also, I found back then that dex just works better.

As far as I know the only two types of stimulants are dexamphetamine and methylphenidate and their instant and extended release versions. Is there anything else?

That reminds me. I only have a few tablets left and I forget / postpone every day to call the psychiatrist's office.

No, I know the problems I am creating for others but yes you are right in the sense that it's not fair that my flakiness creates problems for others irrespective of what the cause is.

What would it take to get serious? That is a very good question and probably lies at the heart of adhd: it's not that I can't do stuff. It's just that it is much harder for me to do stuff unless there is a very high (usually external) level of motivation. This is why I am a decent mum. I am highly motivated to do right by my kids, there is instant feedback when I don't get it right and a lot of parenting ( at least with young kids) is about doing stuff in the moment, ie reacting to immediate needs. All of that makes it easier for me to function well. I often think how I can replicate this situation at work or in other areas of my life but it's not easy to create this kind of situation artificially.

Amazon - Parents' Guide to ADHD medicines (Prof Peter Hill) gives a full rundown of all the types.

I had similar experiences with stimulants. I found that if I took a daily dose of atomoxotine (a non-stimulant) and then a stimulant when I needed to get things done I no longer had a crash. This approach also meant I needed a much lower dose of stimulant, which would reduce your sleep issues.

I’ve stopped stimulants now and take 80mg of atomoxotine each day. Atomoxetine isn’t as effective at boosting my productivity as stimulants but as it controls my emotional dysregulation I can complete everything I need to day to day.