AIBU to stay with DH?

[HolyGuacamole28]

I’m in a real dilemma. I love my H, I’ll start with that. BUT. we’ve had a tough few years. We live on the south coast, large mortgage, two kids in nursery, both work full time. I never thought I’d be the breadwinner of the family. I earn ok money but not ground breaking mumsnet sums. DH is self employed but has earned very little since Covid really. He won’t look for another job. He won’t discuss anything. Everything is going up and I’m shouldering more than two thirds of the mortgage and bills as it is and I’ll have to pay the difference because he really doesn’t have it. I think I’d be better off as a single parent but don’t want to manage everything on my own. It’s so freaking hard. What should I do? Maybe counselling? I don’t think he’ll ever step up. He has no sense of embarrassment of being carried financially. I’m so very torn.

Have you worked out how much it’ll cost you to divorce him? Would he claim to be the primary carer as he works less?

I think I’d be better off as a single parent

Better off in what sense? Emotionally? Financially?

Financially. Not emotionally. I would perhaps get some govt help? I don’t qualify for anything at the moment (not even child benefit)

Seems like the problem is that he won't discuss it. Would he listen and talk about it if you told him how you are finding it so stressful? And that you are considering leaving over it?

What could you change to make things easier? Could you downsize? Move somewhere else? Will it get easier once you don't have two lots of nursery fees and how long is that? If he doesn't work much could you reduce nursery for him to do childcare?

Why not take your kids out of nursing so DH can have them at home if he brings in barely anything?

Stop paying for childcare and tell dh if he isn’t earning then he has to do childcare

Talk to him seriously about removing the children from childcare as his income isn't justifying the cost. Men do this to women ALL THE TIME. It's not ideal but costs are only going to rise.
Was he always self employed? Did the pandemic hit his business? What has/is he doing to sort out his earnings?

Agree with this.

If he's not going to properly contribute financially, he needs to do so in other ways. Saving money on childcare is the obvious one

That’s fine till he does an awful job but won’t go back to paid work and she realises she has to divorce him but now he’s definitely the primary carer.

This

He won’t do the childcare. I’ve asked. If anything he asking me to let him work more hours to try and right the ship. But this means I work FT and then do everything else too. I’m exhausted but he says he’s trying hard too. He’s not lazy though but perhaps stubborn? And yes, the pandemic affected his business. Some clients took their work inhouse. I’ve asked that he get any job to fill the gaps but no.

So you're doing all housework in addition to childcare AND being the main provider?

What's the point of him?

Also we moved here to be close to my parents. Moving isn’t really an option. I’ve cut back as much as I can cost wise. We’re not extravagant. Eldest DD goes to school in sept. Other has a way to go.

I don’t do more childcare than he does. The girls are in nursery 4 days a week. But yes, I do most of the chores and work FT. He was more successful when we met years ago. It’s just gone downhill and he can’t seem to adapt.

Who is paying more is irrelevant. One person can be paying for everything and you can still have an equitable marriage because the two work as team, supporting each other in different, equally as important, ways.

You and your husband are not a team. He doesn't value you or your family. He's selfish and has no consideration for you. It would be a total deal breaker for me.

I hear you. It just makes me so sad. I don’t think he will change.

He won't change. That's why you have to.

Yes you need to get out, this is only going to get worse and by the sounds of it the resentment and sheer exhaustion will build until you break. It’s one thing to have issues with his business but not talking about it and refusing to do basic childcare in the meantime to save money is unforgivable.

I’d be asking him to leave and give you a break for a few weeks. Then you can get a true sense of how it would be going it alone. It might also give him the short sharp shock to get his act together but I wouldn’t be holding my breath.

He doesn't love you and DC enough to sort his priorities out. I'd give him 6 months to up his game. If he refuses I'd divorce him.

If he isn't really working, he has to do the childcare. It's as simple as that. I'd make that plain to him - either find a way to work more or the kids stop nursery. 2 x dcs at nursery is a huge amount of money in this area (I'm also in the SE England)

It’s a good suggestion. I’ll check on benefits too but I suspect I’ll get nothing (as being a single parent doesn’t automatically mean you get help, right?)

Is it embarrassment that's making him stubborn OP?

I honestly don’t know. He doesn’t seem embarrassed. Just angry at the situation.

I earn just under £38k as a single parent and I’m only entitled to child benefit, so if you’re not entitled to child benefit then I doubt you’ll get any help.

This. No one needs to feel embarrassment about earning less or being ‘carried’ financially in a true partnership.

But you both need to be on the same page working towards a common goal.

And whilst being self employed is fine (obviously), if his business is failing and he’s refusing to address it that’s a significant issue.

I could not be in a relationship with anyone who refused to talk issues through properly and agree a plan.