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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother's Day dilemma

53 replies

sunlover1123 · 03/03/2024 17:29

It seems my partner has forgotten Mother's Day. He's mentioned that his brother might be coming over which in itself is fine but it's my first Mother's Day....

I feel like I constantly remind him of so many things, like he is another child....

AIBU for not mentioning it at all and then going off to the pub on my own early for a celebratory drink with baby?

I can't sadly be with my own mum as she lives away but I've seen her today and will send her some lovely flowers and a card to mark the occasion.

It's been a hard year and I'd like recognition for all the stuff I do to keep our family
Going...

OP posts:
Mama2many73 · 03/03/2024 17:52

Lazypeopledrivemecrazy · 03/03/2024 17:35

Can't see your life together lasting long if you refuse to communicate your needs OP! Tell him what you would like, then moan if he doesn't do it, but expecting him to mind read, is ridiculous and childish.

But is it mind reading to recognise your wife may just want to do 'something' on her very first mothers day?
Or is it being a good, considerate partner.
OK he may not know what she wants to do, but he's an adult who could ask!

OP speak up if you think he hasn't got it.x

AstralSpace · 03/03/2024 17:53

Always speak up. Don't expect others to know what you want.
Tell him Mother's Day means something to you and you hope he'll help you to acknowledge it. Otherwise do something with your dc, buy flowers or a treat for yourself, take a selfie with your dc so you have a nice memory.

hoonicorn · 03/03/2024 17:56

He won't know it's important to you unless you tell him. You can't simmer like this until next week, setting him up to fail and then undoubtedly have a go that he forgot.

Just woman up and say I know you said your brother is coming over but next Sunday is Mother's Day and It's important to me to have a family day. Please rearrange with your brother.

I hate all this waiting for people to fail and then being mad about it. And ffs don't go and drink alone in a pub with your baby. I can't think of anything more "woe is me"

MixingPlaydough · 03/03/2024 17:58

Do partners not bloody talk to each other any more. Honestly you're thinking of martyring yourself on your first mother's day just to make some sort of petty point?

Just talk to him and say don't forget next weekend is mother's day and can't his brother come the following week.

As so often in MN this problem is so easily resolved by using your words.

Nannyogg134 · 03/03/2024 17:59

I'd have an honest chat with him now to save heartache later on. Set out your expectations and set the precedent for the future- "I don't mind your brother coming over, but remember it's mother's day and I'd like us to do something nice as a family."
We often want our loved ones to 'just know', but they're not psychic, and it's better to be honest than play games.

7Summers · 03/03/2024 18:00

I didn’t know it was next weekend and I’m a mum. I haven’t been in many shops over the last few weeks so I’ve just not seen it. I think I’ve possibly seen emails but it hasn’t really registered.

Don’t play pathetic games, just mention it to him. It’s not like forgetting your birthday or anniversary as it changes date each year.

If it’s more serious and he’s a bad partner, then make plans to leave. Other than that, grow up and conduct your relationship like the adult you are.

Copelia · 03/03/2024 18:00

My husband did nothing for my first mother's day because he literally hadn't realised it was a thing- he's someone who remembers special occasions and makes a fuss but just hadn't thought that it was his role- odd, I know.

Anyway, I was upset and he was sorry and it was generally a bit of a sad day. So my advice would be to speak up now, if it matters to you- ask him if he's made any Mother's Day plans, mention a few things you'd like to do. Make it clear that it matters to you and give him a steer. Much better than hoping he'll read your mind and then being sad.

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 03/03/2024 18:00

Does he do Mother's Day with his mum? I never did it growing up, my mum couldn't have been less interested and neither of my parents did anything for their own mothers. Ditto Father's Day. So I tend to forget about it too.

If he doesn't generally "do" Mother's Day, and it's your first one this year, maybe he just doesn't see it as a thing? If you'd previously expressed that it was important to you then he should take that into account.

But I'm not sure how you can know he's forgotten anyway - maybe he's planning flowers and a card, but doesn't see the need to set aside the whole day? Different families do Mother’s Day so differently, from ignoring it, to flowers and breakfast in bed, to a whole day thing. None are wrong, but if you want more than a card and small gift (which you don’t know he hasn’t got), then I think you do need to say that.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/03/2024 18:03

I don't think the issue is that he's forgotten as such, more that you're hoping it's one day he'll actually show he values and appreciates me. We do mothers day but id DH forgot I know he loves and values me.
You've had a hard year, a new baby and it sounds like he's not stepping up and giving you the support you need. How is he with baby?

SleepingStandingUp · 03/03/2024 18:04

MereDintofPandiculation · 03/03/2024 17:50

Mother's Day used to be for DC to show their appreciation to their mother. It may not have occurred to him that while DC are too young to show appreciation he's supposed to do it instead.

I don't think it's a massive stretch to show appreciation on behalf of a child too young to understand or a child who's disabilities means they don't comprehend the day or it's significance

Pacifybull · 03/03/2024 18:05

I wouldn’t know it was Mother’s Day next Sunday either.

Everleigh13 · 03/03/2024 18:05

After we had our first child DH and I had a chat about what our expectations were for Father’s and Mother’s Days so we’d be on the same page and each would get equal treatment. To be honest we felt quite overwhelmed just looking after our first baby so didn’t do anything the first year or two. Later we just did cards and a simple present. It depends what your personality is, but I would definitely discuss it.

Mumof2NDers · 03/03/2024 18:07

Don’t spoil your first Mother’s Day by waiting for him to forget and fail!! You can’t get that day back. My DH has a shite memory for stuff like that (it’s just the way he is)so I just give him a heads up a week before!

Toblerbone · 03/03/2024 18:07

Just be honest with him OP! Tell him you were a bit surprised to hear that he's made plans with his brother - has he forgotten it's Mother's Day? You would like to do xyz as a family. And yes, don't forget that lie in!

Pigriver · 03/03/2024 18:08

I know lots of friends DH completely missed that it was something they needed to deal with when they had a baby. A good friends DH even said 'you're not my mum' when he was questioned 🙈
Set out expectations now rather than get upset. A lie in, a wee card and some flowers (even a bunch of daffs) is fine. I explained it to DH as him teaching the children how to manage these events. Neither of us a big celebrators but still trying to go to the effort for our birthdays for the the sake of the kids (few balloons and reusable banners)

mrsed1987 · 03/03/2024 18:14

Why dont you just say? My husband is fine with date but I still mentioned to him to remember (it's actually our wedding anniversary also so double cards and presents 😂) x

CadyEastman · 03/03/2024 18:17

A lie in, a wee card and some flowers (even a bunch of daffs) is fine. We've always done it like this. We decided early in not to go over the top and give gifts that the DC could afford once they had pocket money.

When the DC were small a couple of hours to myself was very much appreciated too!

fabricstash · 03/03/2024 18:45

Mother's Day is actually quite an old date in the church calendar. It's actually Mothering Sunday when people return to their mother church and boys and girls in service had the day off to visit family

fabricstash · 03/03/2024 18:46

But just tell him outright. My other half has always been useless at remembering

Poppinjay · 03/03/2024 19:36

As you aren't his mother, it's quite reasonable for him not to realise that you expect him to make the day special for you.

As other posters have said, if it's important to you that he spoils you on that day, you need to tell him that.

You're never going to enjoy the day if you set high expectations of what people are going to do and then get upset if they don't live up to them. My mother did this and it was awful every year, no matter what I did.

I decided to expect nothing and just focus on doing something for my own mum. That worked out really well for me and I now have a wonderful little pile of Mother's Day cards in a drawer in which my DDs have written their genuine and heartfelt appreciation of what I have done for them as their mother. That little pile beats lie-ins, flowers and lunches out hands down.

DappledThings · 03/03/2024 19:42

I don't get it being a thing before your DC are old enough to do something themselves. In a few years they'll be making cards at nursery and school and that's lovely. It's weird if you get a card that pretends to be from your baby.

Everydayimhuffling · 03/03/2024 19:51

Just tell him, OP. DP forgot my first one and I was really sad. If I'd realised he hadn't clocked it (despite cards from my parents and from MIL having arrived to remind him...), I would have said something. It would have been a much nicer day for us all. He hasn't forgotten again, although as the DC gets older there's less for him to do.

PP who pretend not to understand why anyone celebrates: it's nice to have some recognition especially in the monotony and anxiety of the baby bit. Later it's nice to have a moment of the family thinking of you. Cards or messages are nice. No need to be so miserable.

dapsnotplimsolls · 03/03/2024 20:02

Just tell him. What about his mother?

spicedlemonpie · 03/03/2024 21:44

Every mothers day i get something random a trip away a mini spa break afternoon tea fishing trip race car day (i get flowers throughout the year).
Always something odd.
Next sunday im jumping 13000ft parachuting skydive😬my gift from my kids.
Not all bad their jumping with me.

TeaKitten · 03/03/2024 21:48

Is his mum not in the picture? If he doesn’t remember Mother’s Day for his mum then it’s not realistic to expect him to remember for you. Just remind him, you are really early in the parenting journey to be being so shitty with each other.