Friend always privately messages to ask if I’m going to group event

[Couldwatchblueyallday]

I have a WhatsApp friends group with 5 other mum friends, we often do things with our kids or will have a few lunches/nights out.
Whenever there is a group event and we’ve all confirmed we’re going and chatted about it on WhatsApp, my friend will message me a bit before the event and ask if I’m going, when I already have said I am and have chatted about it not long before on group chats
Why is she doing this?

Sounds like she wants you there for re-assurance. What’s it like when you’re there? Does she cling to you or does she chat to all equally? Klingons can be annoying.

@pensione Definitely not for reassurance as she’s v sociable and outgoing, probably the most outgoing and confident one

Why is she doing this

Who knows 🤷‍♂️
Ask her

Thanks for clarifying. Are you quite introverted or quiet?

Could she think you need encouragement to go?

Is it possible she’s checking with everyone individually that they’re going?

Have you not turned up in the past when you've said you were going? Is she checking in on you in a caring way? Does she want a lift or to coordinate arrival times perhaps?

Maybe she texts you all individually

Sounds like she likes you the most and if you weren't going perhaps she would be less fussed about attending the event.

Given that she can see that you’ve confirmed on the group, I wouldn’t respond to that. I’d just continue to interact with her and others on the group.

Either she prefers it when you are there or she thinks thinners encouragement to attend /feel welcome. Either way, it's nothing to worry about. If it was someone I am particularly friendly with, I would take it as a compliment.

My guess would be that she has hidden anxieties. But it doesn't really matter does it?

Or that’s how she comes across, but maybe it’s not how she feels.

I’m the quieter, less sociable one (although still sociable) I’ve had to miss some events due to illness (chronic ongoing illness that flares up)
She doesn’t encourage though really, just asks if I’m going

She’s probably trying to forge a closer friendship. Like the 2 of you have a “private” conversation so are therefore closer friends.

That could be just a front. People always think I'm sociable and chatty but it takes a lot of courage inside

Is she just as nice to you as the others when you do attend?

This happened to me in my 20s. The most confident girl in our group too.

Turns out her best friend couldn't stand the sight of me (various reasons, mainly that we both interviewed on the same day and I got into her dream university and she didn't and I also got a manager's job over her when we were very young and she hated me with every fibre of her being ever since.)

So her best friend would say "I'll only come if SoOutingWhoCares" doesn't...and so "confident friend" would be the go between finding out if I was definitely going or not. If I was ill or way she wouldn't show up.

It all back fired one night when confident friend was having a dinner party and something went wrong in the communication as someone else told nasty friend that I was on holiday (I'd got back that morning). I was totally oblivious up until this point and was always really nice to nasty friend as didn't realise she hated me lol. I walked in, nasty friend took one look at me, downed her wine and grabbed her coat. I was really confused and asked "aren't you staying for your dinner?!" someone else said "you've only been here 20 mins?!" She said she'd only popped in for a drink anyway and never planned to stay. Someone else pointed out how weird it was that she'd travelled 90 mins from her uni city for 1 drink. I jokingly said "haha do you hate me or something?! I walk in and you walk out!" and there was this deathly silence and confident friend went pale and it was really awkward.

Is there someone in the group that might not enjoy your company?

Or alternatively...is there someone in the group that might have a crush on you?

If you have trouble with chronic illness flare ups perhaps she's just checking that you're still able to make it. I mean that could be because she's really hoping you're going to be there - or it could be her hoping you can't make it!

Is she nice and do you get on well? If so I'd take it as a positive, if not I'd take it as a negative.

I'm the most confident and outgoing person in my social circle, I also have terrible social anxiety. Nobody would ever know. I'll often check that my closest friend is going to events because it makes me feel more secure about having someone I can just be myself around.

I would do this for reassurance and no one would think that of me. I appear an extrovert and sociable but I suffer from crippling social anxiety.

How long is “a bit before” and how often has your illness made you cancel?

If it’s very close to the date and fairly regularly, then that’s most likely part of the reason. Though exactly why she needs to check, I don’t know - is she the default organiser, booking things? Does she give you lifts?

People would describe me as sociable and outgoing but inside I am not and get anxious about social events. I just mask it well.

Came on to say ask her but @Kedece2410 got there before me.

Bit odd to ask if you have already said you are going, Have you pulled out before?

Do you reply to her and how does she respond? Does she still go if you don't?

She might just be one of those people who likes to message and it’s conversation starting? I have a friend like this, super sociable and maintains contact well with a wide group of friends and I think it’s partly because she does this just to start and maintain ongoing direct communication with everyone individually as well as in a group. She wouldn’t be asking for any particular reason, just chatting like she would if she saw you. It’s alien to me as I’m useless at communicating on my phone, find the group chat easier, but it’s appreciated that she is much more social as I do really value the friendship despite my poor texting.

reassurance, you are her go to safe friend just humour her.

@Couldwatchblueyallday Don't be fooled by that.
People think I'm like that but I'm not. I'm a good actor.