Who pays for holiday/holiday expenses? Is this fair or just stingy?

[KThughes]

NC/NA for this.

I’ve been dating a man for the past year (15 months to be exact). We both work full time jobs. We do not live together. I’ve never been married and don’t have children. He is divorced with 2 children.

He has always been wealthy. Earns over £2m+ per year. I have always been financially sound/worked. We take it in turns to pay for things and that works just fine for me. I have a good career, but obviously don’t make as much as he does. I pay for all my own bills myself and have never needed financial help from anyone, even my parents.

Since we started dating, he has acknowledged many times that he loves how independent I am as his previous partners were apparently ‘gold-diggers’. He repeats this sentiment often, but even if he didn’t, I love being independent and having my own income and career path. I have no debt and live alone - and within my means.

He’s since sold his company (which was after we met) and has become even more wealthy. Sunday Times Rich List wealthy. Not the top of such a list, but definitely on there.

He now wants to go on holiday to celebrate. As in a blowout celebration. I suggested somewhere more low key and not so crazy. He suggested St Bart’s etc…

He said he’d pay for my flight and we could ‘figure out the rest while we were there’.

I said no, as I am financially astute and would need to know what other expenses could amount to prior. Are we talking additional charges of £1k...? £5k…? £10k...? More?!

I also said I didn’t feel comfortable with this all. He told me to ‘relax’.

He acknowledged that I have a great career and job… but that doesn’t mean I should have to potentially put things on my credit card or dip into savings - for a destination that I didn’t choose. A destination that is astronomically expensive.

I’d happily pay my own way - even my own damn flight if the trip was less extravagant on the whole. I don’t even WANT my flight paid for, especially if it means I’m going to end up being ‘liable’ for many more charges as a result of this trip.

I also don’t want to be called a ‘gold digger’ by him. I can’t help but feel like this is almost a ‘test’ of sorts. It is a really bizarre situation and makes me feel… honestly… gross.

[Comedycook]

I agree with you. It's all very well being independent but you are not in a position to keep up with his lifestyle. Why should you get into debt in an attempt to prove you're not a gold digger.

[Ariona]

I agree with you and you are very wise to question everything upfront. Although I do think he's incredibly stingy if he doesn't pay it all for you.

[Dacadactyl]

I'd just say to him "are you offering to pay for the whole trip then or what?" I wouldn't give a shit if he thought I was a gold digger.

Honestly, you'd have to be the worlds worst gold digger to be with a man worth 2 mill and still be worrying about how to finance a trip to St. Barts yourself.

I don't know what he's playing at tbh.

[Dweetfidilove]

Since we started dating, he has acknowledged many times that he loves how independent I am as his previous partners were apparently ‘gold-diggers’. He repeats this sentiment often, but even if he didn’t, I love being independent 

I can see it now - you’ll be working like a horse, breaking your bank to prove to him how independent you are, while he gets the pleasure of your company and being a stingy fucker. You’re already trying to prove…

Why haven’t you told him categorically that St Barts on a random ‘we’ll figure it out’ is a NO?

Just let him go!

[SweetFemaleAttitude]

Oh god. He sounds insufferable.

Calling women gold diggers, probably because they couldn't afford to live his extravagant lifestyle.

He sounds tight too. If I loved someone and came into a huge amount of money, I would be paying for the whole trip for the both of us.

[Dutchairfryer]

YANBU

Just be firm, a simple ‘I cannot contribute to a trip like this, if you’d like me to pay half as we have before we need to look at a more realistic destination’

[Onl]

I'd feel exactly like you. He is not listening to you. I wouldn't like that especially as you haven't been dating that long.

Can you get him to discuss it properly with you? I think it's ok to accept that he might be happy to pay for things for you but I'd want to know the details beforehand.

[LoudSnoringDog]

I get he’s dubious about gold digging but given that you appear to have demonstrated that this isn’t a term that should be applied to you, why can’t he treat you to a bloody holiday?

seems a bit odd to me that someone ST Rich list status can’t think “ I can well afford to treat this woman”. I think this is very stingey, tight behaviour

[Proseccoh]

It really does seem like a test. I think you need to be strong here and stand up to him. This is where you will find out what he really thinks, how he really feels about sharing his wealth and whether this relationship is actually going to work. You need to have that difficult conversation and do not allow him to fob you off. If he can't see what your point is then it's going to come up over and over again and will create resentment. If you concentrate on passing this test for his benefit (i.e. you do "the right thing" and basically allow him to have control over how you spend your money), I think you will always feel like he's able to "control" you, as you're (rightly) concerned that he will eventually turn on you and call you a gold digger. It's a big red flag. The only way to sort it is have the conversation...

[NeedToChangeName]

Tell him your budget and don't exceed that

[SemperOmnibusFacultas]

How much do you think is reasonable to spend?

I would then set this as a budget.

Tell him I have £××× to spend for the whole trip including spends. We can either go halves on a trip or that is your contribution to the St Barts trip.

[CharmedCult]

St Bart’s is lovely, but you can easily spend £250+ on a nice lunch, and if he’s wanting a “blowout celebration” holiday and expecting you to go halves, be prepared to take at least 10k spending money.

He sounds as tight as a ducks arse.

I’d let this one go and wish him luck finding someone who is prepared to skint themselves to match his budget and prove themselves to him - because that’s clearly what he’s looking for.

[ItWasntMyFault]

@Dutchairfryer

YANBU

Just be firm, a simple ‘I cannot contribute to a trip like this, if you’d like me to pay half as we have before we need to look at a more realistic destination’

I think this is an ideal response - you are happy to pay your share, but only if it's at an affordable budget for you.

[CantFindTheBeat]

It sounds like you're incompatible, OP, and becoming more so.

One person is incredibly wealthy. The other isn't, and you haven't found a way to balance it out. It would be perfectly normal in a relationship for one person to treat the other occasionally if there is a big income difference, yet it is a wedge between you both.

Is it going to get any better?

[professorcunning]

He it totally unreasonable to expect you to pay for half of a massive blowout holiday. Tell him either he pays for this one, it's his choice of destination after all, and you'll pay for the next at the destination of your choice, or you just won't go.

[Soreteatowel]

Surely if this relationship is to have a future you'll have to be less financial independent and he'll have to let go of the gold digger thing.

Great if you can cover your own living expenses and I'd hold on to that too, but natural for him to want to have holidays that equate with his wealth, which if he (and you) wants you to go on he'll have to pay for.

This all needs to be resolved long before you go on the trip though. If you don't want him to pay for you and/or he doesn't want to pay, you can't go.

[jeaux90]

I would want to pay my own way but if I'm doing that I'd expect to have a conversation about location and costs.

Be clear OP. You are happy to go halves but not on a ridiculously expensive trip.

[Toblerbone]

It is not reasonable of him to expect you to pay an unspecified amount towards the dream holiday that is his idea. How about you switch it around and suggest that you pay for your own flight and he covers everything else? That way you know what your budget is, he gets to choose how extravagant he wants to be with all the extra expenses, and no one needs to call anyone else a gold digger.

[Bigcat25]

@professorcunning

He it totally unreasonable to expect you to pay for half of a massive blowout holiday. Tell him either he pays for this one, it's his choice of destination after all, and you'll pay for the next at the destination of your choice, or you just won't go.

Especially where it's his idea and to celebrate him! If he wants to do things in this very extravagant price range he should fund it himself.vuts not like it's an expectation that op has.

[Appleblum]

He sounds really tight and tiresome. If I'd made so much money I'd want to celebrate and share it with my partner and I'd definitely be paying for everything and not make you feel bad about it.

[Tempnamechng]

I think the comment that he likes that you aren't a gold digger is a bit gas lighty. He's challenging you to be independent and prove something, which I don't like.
Tell him his celebration holiday is outside of your price range and that he should take his kids instead. How distasteful that his is wanting to celebrate his wealth by putting you into debt.
You are his partner, not one if his friends.

[thasratelass]

I'd say "I can't afford this and I'm not getting in to debt so we need to rethink this "
I'd be fine with him paying providing I wasn't going to be held against me in some way.

[pensione]

Your instincts are 100% sound OP.

There have been quite a few threads by women who were so anxious to prove to a boyfriend that they weren’t gold diggers that they ended up subsidising the boyfriend or materially disadvantaging themselves.

Better a poor man who will share his sandwich with you than a rich man who will make you pay towards a posh meal you don’t want.

[Workawayxx]

@Tempnamechng

I think the comment that he likes that you aren't a gold digger is a bit gas lighty. He's challenging you to be independent and prove something, which I don't like.
Tell him his celebration holiday is outside of your price range and that he should take his kids instead. How distasteful that his is wanting to celebrate his wealth by putting you into debt.
You are his partner, not one if his friends.

i agree 100% with this.

General criticism of previous partners - “they were all gold diggers…” is a bit of a red flag. Maybe they just expected him to be generous? Not unreasonable.

[Ponderingwindow]

You sound very reasonable. Of course you need a firm budget worked out before getting on a plane.

that he disparages past relationships as gold diggers and is now trying to push you into spending money on his trip is not a good look for him. I would either end it or give him one more chance with a very explicit talk over how finances are going to need to work.

You should never be pressured to go above your budget. He can come down to your level easily.