I was better off as a single mum.

[Portlo]

I have two children, one with my current DP (he is a baby) and one with a previous partner. He also has a child from a previous relationship.

Since the baby was born and DP’s paternity leave ended, I have done 95% of all night wakings, including the weekends. This is despite the fact I have also returned to work - albeit for only 10 hours a week. I have told DP that he needs to help on a Friday or Saturday at least, but he just seems to be wilfully ignorant and puts his ear plugs in every night. The only times he will help is if he happens to be already awake, or I get so frustrated that I go and sleep somewhere else. To top it off, he will complain that I’m too noisy whilst I’m sorting the baby out and it disturbs him.

Not only that, but DP constantly says, and hints, that I am not contributing enough financially. DP pays all the bills and mortgage. At the moment, I get maternity pay and a small amount from my 10 hours per week. I pay for everything for myself, phone contacts, car payments, petrol. Everything for the baby and my other child. All baby classes and activities I pay for. I also regularly go to the shops and buy food, household essentials. A few months ago I offered to pay my DP all of my maternity pay as my contribution towards the bills, but then quickly realised this wasn’t viable. Since then, my DP mentions frequently that I’m not contributing financially, even though I fund everything for the baby. If I do anything for myself such as getting my hair done, or signing up to the gym (£30 a month), he will complain. He earns well into six figures so money is not an issue for him and he spends plenty on his own hobbies and himself. I just think he doesn’t like what he perceives to be unfair.

I also go out everyday as I really struggle being in the house with the baby. The baby will constantly moan and doesn’t sleep well in the house, it will take me 30 mins to get him to sleep, then he might nap for 20 mins. I find it really difficult so I will often take him for walks, to a class, to see my mum or friends. The car and buggy settles him. Due to this, my DP moans that the house work is never done, and whenever he does have the baby, he makes a point of telling me everything he’s managed to achieve in that time.

He tells me I repeat myself a lot, constantly ask him for help and am disorganised. This is partly true, I really struggle with my memory and organisation. I’ve long suspected I have ADHD (my older child is diagnosed).

He does pay for everything bills wise. He also does a couple of the school runs for my older child and his child, and does do a lot of the housework himself.

I just constantly feel criticised and sometimes I wonder if he even likes me.

I am very much sleep deprived so I may be being unreasonable and having my judgement clouded. I honestly feel like I was better off as a single mum. I never felt criticised, had a lovely harmonious house and I had a lot more money as I was entitled to child benefit etc.

He sounds like a nob, surely he understands that if you're home with the baby then he needs to pay more for things.

Apply for the child benefit, and have it taken from his tax. As you'll then get your national insurance contributions paid. You need that for your state pension.

Work out how much child maintenance you'd get (unless he's self employed as he will no doubt not pay). And consider whether you're better off on your own.

I find single parenting easier than having a shit husband, and being let down.

Also have a look at The Queen of Distraction, for ideas to manage the house with ADHD.

None of the benefits you previously had will be impacted by the relatively good CMS you’ll get from his earnings - though sadly reduced because there’s another mother he was a total cock to, no doubt.

I’d get your financial ducks in a row to leave him, then ultimatum time.

He’s not your “partner”, he’s just a boyfriend - and a shit one at that. And he’s certainly not your husband which might have afforded you and your baby more financial protection.

If you can’t afford to leave him or are not ready to, use his high earnings to pay for childcare and work full time. Don’t do that to give him more money - but to build your own career and financial security.

YANBU. I've been lone parenting for 16 years, it's far easier. All the money is mine to do what I want with, all the decisions are mine, no running around after a man child.

Just go
It won’t get any better

Lone parent for 14 years.

It's so much easier than having a horrible, useless nob around.

What type of conversation did you have before you got pregnant around finances and how the finances would work/be split whilst you were on mat leave?

Has he now reneged on what he agreed during that conversation?

In what way is he useless? He is working full time, paying all the bills and mortgage, and does a lot of the housework. I can see why he is moaning as that certainly doesn't count as useless!!

Given the OP only works 10 hours a week then they should be doing the lions share of housework and if they have less working ours then they should be doing all night feeds when they don't have work the next day.

@Portlo babies need to learn to self settle. If you're rocking them to sleep by taking them out in the car or pram all the time, you're potentially making a rod for your own back.

How old is your baby? How long have you been together?.

I voted YABU.

Why?

Because you know your partner is an arsehole and you were better off before and you aren't doing anything about it and are instead just putting up with it.

Going against the general consensus here but he works full time, does school runs & housework. You say you pay for things for yourself & baby - but he is covering all mortgage & bills. So I think you have a good deal. Does your ex pay towards your first child?

Ok when we break this down you:

Work 10 hours a week
Do 95% of the baby care
Pay for your own items and baby items, and some things for the house
Have an older child - do you get CMS? Or does he pay for older child in essence as well?

He:
Works full time(?)
Pays the bills (and mortgage?)
Helps with baby now and then, and does some school runs
Pulls his weight with house work

Seems like an even split to me, although he sounds a bit insufferable with the comments.

Yeah I'd leave him.

I'd be ripping the bloody earplugs out of his ears if it was my DP refusing to get up for HIS child in the night. How fucking dare he.

There are certainly some robust opinions on here OP!
The state sees your household as a joint one. His money is supposedly supporting the children in the household. Both you and he appear to think you should solely support the children. This means you and your male unmarried partner have a more unfair view than actual patriarchy. That explains why you think things are not fair, they aren't.
In a traditional view of patriarchy including marriage as the basis of a household, the man earns money which supports the woman and children. The woman cares for the children and household, and often worked a little for some money.
In the unmarried version of patriarchy the man supports his illicit household and the woman depends on his kindness to support her and their children.
In either model you would be better off. Its up to you but you aren't happy with this model so you will need to change it.

Kick him out and get a beautiful amount of child maintenance.

I don't think helping with the baby "now and then" is an even split. Obviously when OP is at home and he's at work, OP will be taking care of the baby. However when both parents are home, both parents should take responsibility for that.

Kick him out of the home that he’s paying all the mortgage and all the bills for?

@RatatouillePie I think you and I read different posts or you just have really low standards for men.

Yes, you were better off living without a man.

He does contribute, as I mentioned he does pay all the bills + mortgage, does housework, and some childcare.

My annoyance comes from the fact that my contribution is never recognised. I do all the night wakings, and look after baby 95% of the time. Yet, instead of acknowledging this in a positive way, DP complains that he’s being woken up or that I don’t get enough housework done. Then when he does have the baby, he will go out of his way to tell me everything he’s managed to get done. It’s easy to get lots done when you’ve had a full nights sleep and only have him for a few hours! He never helps at the weekends either during the night, and he comes across as very entitled. The two days I have work the next day, I still do all the night wakings.

Ditto for money. I pay all my own bills (car payment, petrol, insurance etc), even though the money needed for this has increased dramatically due to needing a larger car because of our combined 3 children. I pay all of my other expenses, plus my the baby and my other DC. When I say I pay for everything for the baby, I mean everything. He might buy the odd pack of nappies or milk when he pops to the shops, but all clothes, furniture, sleep sacks, accessories, toys, baby classes, etc are paid for by me. Despite the fact my income is much lower than it was before having the baby. But instead of acknowledging this, he gets annoyed that I reneged on my word to give him all of my maternity pay. I’ve told him this countless times, and said all of what I pay for far exceeds my maternity pay, but he still continues to bring up the fact I don’t ’pay him anything’. I can’t buy anything for myself without him making a snide comment, for example this morning he found some sports socks I’d bought (I’ve actually resorted to hiding things), and asked how I could afford to buy them when I couldn’t afford to pay him anything!

I think it would probably be helpful for both of you to have a proper sit down chat and look at ALL finances, everything he’s paying & what wage from, everything you’re paying & what wage from. It sounds like he has a lot of resentment which stems from you backtracking on giving him all of your maternity pay, he see’s it as him supporting the entire household on his salary which is probably what is making him nit pick in other areas. He might genuinely not appreciate exactly what money you have coming in & exactly what you are paying for, and in that case I can see why he would make snide comments if you’ve told him you have no money to give him but are then buying things. It may be that he just doesn’t realise all of the things you pay for out of your money for you and the baby. Sit down and map it out for him.

Really at the point you’re living together with kids you should be sharing finances, one pot, everything in there, everything out of there and whats left over is split between you equally so you both have the same amount of “fun” money.

@Mrsttcno1 I do understand that, and he is supporting the majority of the household, but equally even after the bills and mortgage are paid, he still has thousands left over. So for him to be resentful over my paltry amount of maternity pay, and not appreciating anything I pay for as well as scrutinising everything I buy, it doesn’t sit right with me.

He also has no issues spending a significant amount on himself - he spends at least a couple hundred a week on hobbies and socialising. But scrutinises my socks and wanting to join a £30 a month gym.

Without being snarky, really OP, why are you still with him? He sounds like a very mean-spirited, horrible person. Are you able to afford to move out and then claim child support - from both dads?

@chrisfromcardiff Because he does have some lovely attributes and we have a shared child. I’m just not sure how I can resolve the current set of issues, as discussing it with him doesn’t seem to make any difference.