I was better off as a single mum.

[Portlo]

I have two children, one with my current DP (he is a baby) and one with a previous partner. He also has a child from a previous relationship.

Since the baby was born and DP’s paternity leave ended, I have done 95% of all night wakings, including the weekends. This is despite the fact I have also returned to work - albeit for only 10 hours a week. I have told DP that he needs to help on a Friday or Saturday at least, but he just seems to be wilfully ignorant and puts his ear plugs in every night. The only times he will help is if he happens to be already awake, or I get so frustrated that I go and sleep somewhere else. To top it off, he will complain that I’m too noisy whilst I’m sorting the baby out and it disturbs him.

Not only that, but DP constantly says, and hints, that I am not contributing enough financially. DP pays all the bills and mortgage. At the moment, I get maternity pay and a small amount from my 10 hours per week. I pay for everything for myself, phone contacts, car payments, petrol. Everything for the baby and my other child. All baby classes and activities I pay for. I also regularly go to the shops and buy food, household essentials. A few months ago I offered to pay my DP all of my maternity pay as my contribution towards the bills, but then quickly realised this wasn’t viable. Since then, my DP mentions frequently that I’m not contributing financially, even though I fund everything for the baby. If I do anything for myself such as getting my hair done, or signing up to the gym (£30 a month), he will complain. He earns well into six figures so money is not an issue for him and he spends plenty on his own hobbies and himself. I just think he doesn’t like what he perceives to be unfair.

I also go out everyday as I really struggle being in the house with the baby. The baby will constantly moan and doesn’t sleep well in the house, it will take me 30 mins to get him to sleep, then he might nap for 20 mins. I find it really difficult so I will often take him for walks, to a class, to see my mum or friends. The car and buggy settles him. Due to this, my DP moans that the house work is never done, and whenever he does have the baby, he makes a point of telling me everything he’s managed to achieve in that time.

He tells me I repeat myself a lot, constantly ask him for help and am disorganised. This is partly true, I really struggle with my memory and organisation. I’ve long suspected I have ADHD (my older child is diagnosed).

He does pay for everything bills wise. He also does a couple of the school runs for my older child and his child, and does do a lot of the housework himself.

I just constantly feel criticised and sometimes I wonder if he even likes me.

I am very much sleep deprived so I may be being unreasonable and having my judgement clouded. I honestly feel like I was better off as a single mum. I never felt criticised, had a lovely harmonious house and I had a lot more money as I was entitled to child benefit etc.

But that’s why I’m saying you need a chat about how your finances work, and how they can work better, as a household. You’re still acting like essentially housemates rather than partners with shared children. Housemates don’t support each other financially, so if that’s how you are working then you can see why he might be annoyed when you say you’re skint but then have Amazon at the door with a delivery. You need to be working and operating as a team, with joint finances at least in some way, whether that is all money into one pot & all expenses out of that pot, splitting what is left over equally, or at the very least you need a situation whereby you sit down together and work out what ALL of your bills/child costs etc are and both put a certain % of your income into a joint account to cover that amount so that you BOTH have money left over to spend on yourselves/fun money. Again, that way you’re both contributing to the costs of your family, because he may not realise what hidden costs you are covering like baby classes etc.

Sorry but he sounds like a total nob and a mean one at that- there is nothing more of a turn off than a very high earning guy hassling a new mum that she isn't contributing enough and criticising her every month.

I think you would prefer it as a single mum getting decent maintenance !!

He really is shit. Just get rid, you'll probs have more money if you get maintenance from him tbh. And he'll have to help when he has the baby on his own

He sounds awful.

What was he like before you got a mortgage and a child together?

He sounds horrible. By paying the mortgage, do you mean house is jointly owned? I've read threads on here about women in similar situations, ten or twenty years down the line - sahm booted out with nothing.

I disagree that this is a good deal, if he's on £££ then I don't think you should have to justify spending a bit on yourself. At the very least, he's probably saving a lot on childcare for the stepchild.

And not getting up in the night at all would be a big red flag for me. Fast forward 20 years, you'll be a penniless skivvy.

I'd sit down and look at all the numbers, work out a reasonable amount for you both to have for discretionary spending on gym and socializing etc each month. The rest is pooled.

I sense he would fight that though, he doesn't see you as his equal or as on his team.

You need a different financial set-up. I would suggest a joint account where you pay proportionally and where all household costs come from. Even if you have to put all your maternity pay in, you'll be paying for all the things for your shared baby from there so will almost certainly be better off.

It's easy for resentment to build up when there are tiny children because everyone has more to do. It's also when you can quickly see if there is compromise and if the other person is willing to be fair. At least try to talk through the workload with him. That way you'll know if it is worth continuing the relationship or better to move on.

Could we consider the baby in amongst all this. Before you immediately kick him out as suggested by a load of posters, at least have a grown up chat with him and some time for him to get his head round whats needed.

You likely were, and it’s the reason I have no interest in sharing a home with another adult right now.

Why are you paying for so much out of 10hrs per week’s work? This doesn’t sound a good situation at all.

The house is owned equally.

I pay so much because it seemed like a fair deal, considering he covers most living expenses. It doesn’t even upset me that I pay for what I pay for, it upsets me that he’s constantly on about me not contributing, not giving him all my maternity pay as promised, spending money on myself etc.

Why did you decide to have another baby with him?

I am going to sit down and have a conversation with him as suggested by a couple of posters on here.

Op you will eventually have to leave this man if he carries on like this. How do men like this manage to get with decent women? It is truly baffling!! This sort of thread is on MN on a daily basis and I can't understand how so many men get away with this behaviour. I suppose it does explain a significant number of middle aged men being single once women see the light!

He sounds like he's starting to be financially controlling, as he's checking your purchases and commenting on them and keeping control of the house payments (is the house in your name, too?).

All money should be shared and you should have equal access to it.

Refusing to do his share of nights and weekends is making you chronically sleep-deprived and then he's bullying you about the effects of this behaviour on your mental health.

You'd definitely be better off without him. He sounds horrible!

I agree joint account sounds the way to go. Work out what bills are in a typical month and then he puts that in from his plus your maternity pay goes on too. Baby things and household bills come out of it. Treats and individual expenses come out of your own accounts. This will give more visibility for both of you.

And I would insist as far as you can he does two nights. I would even go so far as to move rooms so he has to do it .

Sorry sorry, when is she supposed to do the “lions share” of the housework? When she’s at home filing her nails or drinking coffee watching Netflix?

Shes looking after a bloody baby. If she gets a chance to do some housework then great, but she has more important things to do. It’s hard work.

I also HATE the ridiculous notion that poor dear sweet men need a full nights sleep if they have to work. The detriment on a mother’s mental health when they are chronically exhausted is awful. Men SHOULD be sharing nights, they will be tired, that’s life with a baby and they shouldn’t be able to carry on as normal whilst the mother’s life is negatively affected in every way.

@Workhardcryharder

Shes looking after a bloody baby. If she gets a chance to do some housework then great, but she has more important things to do. It’s hard work

It is possible to get on with housework with a baby.

Also baby needs to get into routine so OP isn't up several times a night.

Not all babies get into routines where they sleep through the night.

And no, it isn't always possible to do housework with a baby. It's even harder when you're suffering from chronic sleep deprivation.