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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Ex partner talking to new girlfriend in front of me

66 replies

Blueeiffel · 02/03/2024 21:17

For some context, been together eight years, father of my son. I ended our cohabitating arrangement owing to his alcoholism and fact he didn't lift a finger to help with housework and made me anxious on a daily basis. House is mine, we're not married so he's on notice to get out (3 weeks hopefully will be gone). I've asked him not to speak to his girlfriend in the house, they go on for hours and I find it really disrespectful as I can hear them even when in another room, especially so since I don't want him under my roof. My anxiety levels are really high. AIBU in asking him to take his conversations with her outside my home? I'm quite triggered now by anything he does, so will be good to get opinions as for obvious reasons I'm struggling to be objective. Thanks

OP posts:
Blueeiffel · 03/03/2024 12:58

Hi everyone. Quick one as I'm out and about with the small chap, but I just wanted to say a huge thank you to all for your responses, I really do appreciate you taking time to give them. It's been really helpful to have some perspective, as it's become harder to get any as time has rumbled on. A lot to think about there, I'll ponder and respond fuller later. Rubbish situation with so many conflicting feelings, mainly guilt at potentially making him homeless, no love left, whilst being angry with myself mainly for putting up for so long since he is what he is. My mum and dad telling me he's taking me for a fool, he was crying and was really upset last night because it's all gone wrong for him (sounded like a breakdown). I feel completely stuck in the middle of it, not knowing what to do for the best of everyone, although I don't think that's possible anymore 😔 Anyways, it's lovely out where I am oop north so enjoying some spring sunshine and a bit of peace for the moment anyway. Hope your weekends are good ones, and if they're not, sending a hug x

OP posts:
SKG231 · 03/03/2024 13:01

He’s a shit man. Whenever he’s talking to her jist be thankful he is now her problem and not yours. If it is keeping things peaceful and making the process less volatile between you both for the sake of your child just keep smiling knowing he’ll be gone soon.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/03/2024 13:05

he was crying and was really upset last night because it's all gone wrong for him (sounded like a breakdown).

It's called gaslighting. He's gaslighting you.

I feel completely stuck in the middle of it, not knowing what to do for the best of everyone

His gaslighting is working.

My mum and dad telling me he's taking me for a fool

He absolutely, 100% is. Please listen to your parents. You may not believe it, but parents actually do know what's what sometimes. They see right through him.

Londonrach1 · 03/03/2024 13:08

Yabu re this I'm afraid it's his home at the moment. Totally understand why you upset about this. Can you get him out sooner.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 03/03/2024 13:09

missmollygreen · 02/03/2024 21:40

If you rented you wouldnt expect your landlord to dictate how you live your life int your home/their house.
It's the same thing

It really isn't, it's crass and disrespectful behaviour from him. OP is the mother of his child and there's no need for him to hold loud conversations, in their home, to a new girlfriend.

I agree with PP about ignoring as far as possible but I would probably tell him to leave sooner if he can't bring himself to hold off on these calls when I'd asked him to.

It is OP's house and her home... kudos to you, OP, I hope you enjoy your peaceful, twat-free home, very soon.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 03/03/2024 13:10

Exactly as Aquamarine has said. Stand strong, OP. You are not responsible for his man's wellbeing. Not at all.

EG94 · 03/03/2024 13:11

on the face of it, you are being unreasonable. That said you were together a long time and I am sure it is your past and your feelings of guilt / duty to him that make you think here I am still caring about your well-being whilst your chatting to someone else. So yes it’s unreasonable but feelings make it difficult to see that. In the nicest coldest way, he isn’t your problem anymore. Do you want to support a man you aren’t with for the rest of your life? It won’t stop when he moves out if you don’t create boundaries. This will impact your future relationships too if his involvement in your life is more in depth than co parenting. Trust me! We’ve had numerous chats about setting boundaries with the ex because he did more than he should before I came along. I politely reminded him she is not your problem anymore.

OurChristmasMiracle · 03/03/2024 13:12

Well he wouldn’t be potentially homeless if he was actually concentrating on finding somewhere else to live instead of on his new girlfriend

Peekaboobo · 03/03/2024 13:14

If you can't plead to his better nature and ask him nicely not to do it and remind him that you are putting a roof over his head then you're just going to have to put up with it for a short while longer.

I'd be tempted to start making a lot of niose with music/the telly/play fighting with my son when he starts talking to his girl but i'm a bit childish and petty

Newestname002 · 03/03/2024 17:16

@Blueeiffel

Your parents are right - he IS making a fool of you and you're being too considerate to him. Not a politeness he's paying to you... Why can't he leave now and stay with the girlfriend - then he can talk to her in person all he wants.

Whatever - I'd want him to leave much sooner - he can sofa surf or stay with someone else. His next accommodation problem is for him to solve - not yours. 🌹

Blueeiffel · 03/03/2024 20:12

Thanks everyone, you've all helped hugely. Feeling more resolved and stronger today. It's been really good to read your thoughts x

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 03/03/2024 20:28

Why have you given him so much notice? Just get him out.

Blueeiffel · 07/03/2024 06:50

Aaaah...had typed up message and then it disappeared. Starting again! Thanks everyone for your responses, been really good to get some context. I've no jealousy about new GF, it's more he has smutty talk, some of which our son has walked in on (and me), and he tends to do it during the night, so there's talking and light pollution from TV, lights on, and him moving from room to room. I'm a light sleeper, work FT and trying desperately to keep the remaining wheels on the bus. It also wakes our son up sometimes. But that's my problem, not his, I get that. I've asked him not to do it for these reasons, but whilst he's here in reality nothing I can do to stop it. Just to be clear though, this is no longer his home, he is (for want of a better word) squatting here because he seemingly is unable to support himself and is a complete mess. I have supported him for eight years and am doing so no longer, there's been enough upset for our son, this is it, and moving forward our son will (and must have) a much healthier environment to grow up in, so there is zero chance of me giving into the usual emotional blackmail. Now he's lost his job I don't know when he'll be leaving the house, which makes the logistics of going for a lock change extremely difficult to co-ordinate. He is here nearly all the time, quite literally just leaves the house to get booze and food, so not gone long. I could leave keys in doors, but not a solution as I need to leave the house for school and work. I'm waiting for the non-emergency police service to call back, but looking online looks like they'd only do something if DV, which there isn't. I might be able to get a court order to get him out, although not sure how much time that takes, and I'm not entirely sure if suitable to our circumstances (unmarried, no joint ownership, no DV, son will be staying with his mother whose house it is). I've had some free legal advice but just cannot afford any further legal advice. He has said he will leave on the date I've given (now three weeks away). I would dearly love him to be gone before, I just don't know how to physically make that happen (not managed to get through to Citizen's Advice). Putting belongings on driveway won't be helpful at this point, he's an active alcoholic, it's not someone 'normal' you're dealing with, it brings with it a whole other lot of awful. Our son is also very upset with it all, so I'm desperate for his leaving to be as least traumatic as possible. Current plans? I have none 😔 Supporting son as best I can whilst not knowing how to handle this myself. School being super supportive will see if any extra support that can be accessed under circumstances. Thanks again for your responses, I've found them encouraging 🙂

OP posts:
BluntFatball · 07/03/2024 06:57

A) Kick him out immediately. Stop pussyfooting around, he will be seeing it as weakness not kindness. Far better option.

B) Start shouting loudly while he is on the phone with her infront of you.

'Honey, do you want a cup of tea'.
'Baby, where did you throw my bra?'
'Bab, are you going to be in the phone to the plumber much longer? We have to get going'.

LiveLaughCryalot · 07/03/2024 07:43

Again, you tell him if he doesn't pack it in, he can go stay with her and pack his things! He is taking the absolute piss out of you and you are saying there's nothing you can do?
The next time he is on the phone to her, start packing his things and put them outside, when he follows, close the door behind him and lock it. Repeat to him you warned him he was out if he did it again.
Hes bloody good though I'll give him that. All this and you are wringing your hands over getting him out of YOUR house and worrying about him. Fuck that. Show your son that women do not tolerate being treated like shit.

Donk2879 · 07/03/2024 07:48

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