Learning to drive in my 40s - Overcoming fear

[Serrina]

I'm in my early 40s and have lived in and around London my whole life. Because of this, I've never really needed to drive, although I've always wanted to. What has really stopped me is a crippling fear. The thought of being in sole control of a heavy piece of machinery scares the hell out of me. I don't know how most people just do it so effortlessly, whilst being able to listen to the radio and talk to passengers at the same time! The bends and curves in the road scare me - what if you don't turn the wheel in time? How do people do it??

I know I sound absolutely pathetic and I think I am BU. Other people manage it just fine. But things do go wrong sometimes. The issue I'm facing now is that at some point in the future, we will likely need to move out of London, to a place where the public transport is not so great, so I will need to drive. I am a single parent, so I don't have a DH or DP who can drive us around, and even if I did, I wouldn't want to rely on them all the time. I feel I'm letting my DC down as well, having to drag them around on buses and in the rain. One of my DC has SN (autism) so it would benefit her greatly if I was able to drive as well. But the thought just terrifies me!!

Thank you for reading if you've got this far. I suppose I'm looking for answers on how to overcome this? I feel so pathetic being scared of something so ordinary!

I was you a year ago. I've since had a year of automatic lessons. I never thought I would overcome the fear, but I have. I still don't enjoy it, but I'm slowly getting there. Book a lesson and see how you get on. And don't be afraid to change instructors until you find the right one. You can do this!!

Like anything in life mastering a new skill is scary. First day at school, first kiss, new job, having a baby (so I've been told) are all as scary as fuck. But not for long.

Look for an instructor who specialises in nervous drivers and have a couple of lessons - they have dual controls so can take over at any time. If you don't try you'll never know.

Yeah, automatic all the way.

I also learnt in London prior to moving with autistic kids. But I don't think I was as scared as you.

I know loads of people who say the idea of driving in London terrifies them but it's very difficult to go fast enough to do any harm!

If you can find a good instructor, you'll be so much happier.

I can't tell you how liberating it is having a car with kids who find aspects of travel really hard. No more waiting for 3 buses to pass in the pouring rain with kids who were already past their tolerance.

Bookmarking with interest as I’m also in the same position as you and feel the same way (though in my late 30s). Never really needed to drive or own a car in the past but now I have a change in circumstances and I’d like to learn.

I had 15 lessons when I turned 17 but then I went travelling and wasn’t bothered about finishing learning to drive. I remember not being scared or nervous about learning then but now I’m terrified at the thought of navigating a car on the road! Wish I had just got it out of the way as a teenager when I was more fearless!

Thanks for the replies. Just wanted to add, I did have some lessons about 10 years ago or so, and was a nervous wreck, I think the instructor was losing patience with me 😬 I will take your advice and try again. Good to know I'm not the only one!

I learnt at 18 and passed, but didn’t drive for years and it really became a phobia. I’d have palpitations, hurst into tears, the full works.

I used to read so many threads of how people overcame their driving fear and genuinely, genuinely never thought it could be me.

I did a lesson in an automatic (and cried on the instructor!) and she recommended hypnotherapy. After 3-4 sessions, I bit the bullet and haven’t looked back. I’m now driving every day, including the motorway, which seemed impossible.

Automatic lessons, lots of practice, mapping out routes etc all really helped me. I’m still not a great reverse parker but I can get myself about! Good luck.

I'm older than you and just learned. I heard people our age are naturally more aware of the dangers than younger people. My advice is to keep trying and allow yourself s much time as you need. Also if you can, buy a car to practise in. That helped me tremendously. Of course, you'd need a patient accompanying driver.

I hated learning to drive for similar reasons and got through it by reciting the mantra “feel the fear and do it anyway”. It took me 52 hours of lessons before I felt ready to take my test! I think my fear has helped me to become a very good driver as I respect the road and am vigilant about hazards.

Try again but in an automatic as there will be less to think about. As with anything new, it is scary but the more you do it the easier it gets. It will be a great lesson for your kids when they see you mastering your fear.

I feel the same, also in London with an autistic child and I hate getting the bus they are always so crowded and awful (was kicked off the bus the other day everyone was as someone had bled all over the floor of the bus 😳😩) would love to never have to get buses again but the thought of driving I feel so anxious about it and don’t feel I could ever be able to drive

I moved out of London to a fairly rural location where there is one bus an hour and that stops at 9pm. Nearest town is 10 miles away so I had to learn to drive - age 52. Learned in an automatic and passed first time. I had a couple of lessons in a manual and could not get to grips with it at all. So I would say that automatic is the answer.

You could just be me! I'm 41 and I've just never needed to drive I lived many years in the city and the buses were fine people use them here rather than driving, and my DH drives. But my kids are 9 and 5 now and I drag them all around on the bus, we have to get taxis to parties in obscure places which is such a pain and I feel embarrassed. We don't always go out because there's only a few places we can go on the bus, I'd love to take them to a local museum or something but they're all two bus journeys away and I just can't be fussed with the faff or the moaning. I tried to get lessons last year but everywhere was full and I am so anxious I just didn't push it. Last month I joined a waiting list for a local company but it could be 6 months but at least I'm on the waiting list. I did lessons in 2011 and I just didn't get any better and it was costing a fortune and we were buying a house so I stopped. I wish I'd stuck at it but I didn't. Or had the confidence to change instructor. I am determined to sort myself out with it this year though.

I'm 30 and learning in a manual ATM
I'm 13 lessons in and a lot of it is becoming muscle memory all ready. If you look in the right place you will steer at the right time and in the right place . I'm learning manual to and now finding the gears and clutch not overwhelming like I did at first

I was mid 30s when I learnt so pretty late to the game. I do think it gets harder when you're older, you're just more aware of the dangers. It did take me years to feel confident driving, but I needed to do it so had to just get on with it. 15 years later I'm the chatting, singing to the radio, waaa speed camera breed.
Definitely give it a go. For me the key was finding an instructor I gelled with. We became friends and we're still in touch now.

I learnt at 37 in a manual. I was very nervous and what helped was an amazing instructor and being patient with myself. I had 11 months of lessons- my instructor thought I was test ready quite a bit before I did. I passed with two minors and within a couple of weeks of passing my test was commuting 60 miles a day on motorways. I did do my pass plus though and had motorway lessons. I've been driving for 7 years and driven all over the country including London and will drive anywhere. I hate parking but we all have our weaknesses.

For me gears weren't an issue, it was my confidence. It was a good job because I'm skint following a divorce and have downsized to a little cheap noddy car to save on insurance. I would try in a manual first as it makes finding a car much easier. Gears aren't necessarily the hardest part of driving.

As with any hard task, break it up into small chunks. Start by booking your theory test and studying for it. Find a driving instructor, then book your first lesson, then your second, and get some extra practice in whenever possible. If you try to picture yourself driving long distances without doing all the first steps it will look absolutely terrifying!

I HATED learning to drive. Would have that horrible stomach turning anxiety before every lesson. After I passed my test I would plan routes that didn't involve A roads or large roundabouts even if that meant driving for miles out of the way. It's taken 3 years for me to finally feel more confident on the road. In summer I'm planning to buy a van and I can already feel the old anxiety creeping in about driving such a large vehicle!

I agree with everyone else. Learn to drive an automatic, it really is so much easier (even Americans can master it 😉) and manual transmissions will soon go the way of the horse & cart anyway.

Driving really isn’t rocket science. They give out licenses to all manner of numpties. And modern cars really are very safe places to be.

Take time to find the right instructor. You need a patient woman (ideally) who is experienced in teaching nervous middle-aged people rather than fearless / cocky teenagers who are used to learning new stuff & mastering new skills because they do it all the time.

I get it, OP. I lost a family member in a car accident so was very anxious about it. Put it off until I literally couldn't anymore.

Took me 18 months of lessons and 3 tests (failed largely through nerves, if I'm honest.) But eventually got there in my mid 30's. I still don't drive on motorways - nowhere near confident enough. But couldn't contemplate not being a car user now. Keep at it, you'll get there.

I passed 3 yrs ago at age 41.
You can do this!

Your fears are understandable. RTAs are scary. But I think the fact that you understand that being in charge of a large moving vehicle is a big responsibility is no bad thing. If you can tip the balance into feeling like you can handle the responsibility of you observe carefully. And hopefully after a bit more experience on the road you will start to feel that way.

I learned at 37, before my eldest went to secondary school. DH doesn't drive. Up to that point, I didn't really feel I needed to drive as we are in a city, but when I look at my life now, I drive my kids to activities almost every evening. They wouldn't have been able to do those things if I hadn't learned. I still avoid long journeys and motorways, as I am a bit of a wimp. I should really take some motorway lessons, as I spend a fortune on train fares.

1. learn in an automatic

2. find a kind instructor

3. don't think too far ahead. Don't worry about how you're going to navigate tricky lanes on a beach holiday, or how you're going to manage the motorway etc. Just start by thinking how easy it will be to pootle down to big Tesco and bring all your shopping home in the car!

Getting to grips with a new skill is scary!

What you said about knowing when to turn the wheel made me smile. I remember articulating the exact same thing before my first driving lesson at 17. And the thing is, once you start doing it, it's really obvious.
A driving instructor will have heard all these worries before, and then some. I remember it took me ages to get my head around roundabouts!

I've had a licence over 20 years now, and am fairly neutral towards driving. I do find however, that if I don't drive for more than a couple of days, I'm quite nervous the first time or two I go back out in the car.

I also don't like long drives (but have always been fine with motorways), but always take it gently, don't feel rushed, give myself plenty of time etc.

I have found that the older I get, the less I like driving. It's solely the means to an end for me, and now I find myself combining trips out into one day, rather than "getting the car out" over multiple days. I also don't drive to new places at night any more. My eyes aren't up to it.

You’re not the only one. I am early 40s and I have my first driving lesson booked for next week. Public transport is getting worse, bus routes being removed and trains strikes making it difficult to get around so going to give it ago.

I'm in my late 30s and I put off learning to drive because the idea terrified me too, I did not want to be in a charge of a metal killing machine! But I learnt last year. Absolutely terrified when I started but the lessons did help ease the fear a bit. I passed in October and I must admit driving still scares me but its not the huge fear that it was before. At the moment I only drive very specific routes (the route to daycare, the route to the supermarket, and the route to the next town to take my DD to volleyball practice) and try to time trips for quieter times because I still get very anxious about driving anywhere else but once winter is over (as snow is an extra complication and right now the roads where I am are the worst, thick slush that you need speed to get through then patches of ice which you need to go slower on!) I'm going to push myself to drive around different places and out of town onto the faster country roads. My plan is to drive at night first because the roads will be quieter then.