Learning to drive in my 40s - Overcoming fear

[Serrina]

I'm in my early 40s and have lived in and around London my whole life. Because of this, I've never really needed to drive, although I've always wanted to. What has really stopped me is a crippling fear. The thought of being in sole control of a heavy piece of machinery scares the hell out of me. I don't know how most people just do it so effortlessly, whilst being able to listen to the radio and talk to passengers at the same time! The bends and curves in the road scare me - what if you don't turn the wheel in time? How do people do it??

I know I sound absolutely pathetic and I think I am BU. Other people manage it just fine. But things do go wrong sometimes. The issue I'm facing now is that at some point in the future, we will likely need to move out of London, to a place where the public transport is not so great, so I will need to drive. I am a single parent, so I don't have a DH or DP who can drive us around, and even if I did, I wouldn't want to rely on them all the time. I feel I'm letting my DC down as well, having to drag them around on buses and in the rain. One of my DC has SN (autism) so it would benefit her greatly if I was able to drive as well. But the thought just terrifies me!!

Thank you for reading if you've got this far. I suppose I'm looking for answers on how to overcome this? I feel so pathetic being scared of something so ordinary!

You are my people. 51 and trying to work up the courage.

I learnt to drive at 40, I did an intensive course (60 hours over 9 days) in an automatic. Best thing I ever did, and I was terrified.

I only drive locally on familiar roads, and panic if I go further afield (lockdown dented my confidence again) but it’s still life changing.

Same story again, took lessons in my early 20s but couldn’t ‘get it’. Then had children with additional needs and public transport became more of a nightmare. Luckily some of the previous lessons from 10 years previous had stuck with me, so actually found it easier to get back into it. Would have passed sooner if it wasn’t for blooming Covid shutting the test centres but eventually passed (second attempt 😳).

I still hate driving, suspect I’m ND myself so anxiety takes a greater hold with overthinking or impulsivity. I generally only drive set routes but as long as I can get the kids to school safely then it was worth every penny and moment of stress.

It takes practice to get your confidence up. When I first started, I used to get the serious heebie jeebies about vehicles being next to me. I didn't mind them in front or behind, but I'd be physically cringing if a lorry was next to me.

I'm so used to it now that it doesn't bother me. But that's because I've done it innumerable times and I've learnt spatial awareness so I can easily calculate that there's no chance of it hitting me.

I actually wouldn't recommend learning in an auto. You're already going to be paying a fortune as a new driver. You don't need to have no option but to buy an expensive vehicle and get charged more for your insurance.

It's the road laws and learning to drive safely while making quick decisions that is the challenging part. Changing gears is like riding a bike - once you can balance a clutch, you'll never forget how to do it.

My best tip would be to find a really good instructor. Don't persist if the instructor you have isn't working for you. Driving lessons are expensive. It's not worth spending all that money on a teacher you don't gel with. The right instructor should make it seem possible while keeping you calm when you make mistakes.

And don't give up. Learning to drive is really hard. You'll likely have several moments where you think that you are never going to be able to do it. But keep going and one day you'll find that it all clicks into place and feels easy.

You can do it! I was about your age and very nervous when I started, an automatic definitely helps. For some reason all of my family took to driving late, some of my siblings were literally sick with nerves learning but all of us drive now. My mum was in her 60s when she learned. Get an automatic car, an instructor who you feel comfortable with, have lots of lessons, you won't look back.

Thanks for starting this OP, as a PP said you are my people! I'm 42 and finally getting ready to learn as I'm planning career change and will need to be able to drive to remote sites after decades of London working. Feeling v inspired by these reports of people learning later in life. You're all amazing x

As the UN suggests, I'm a new driver, passed a few days before my 44th birthday.

I drive a manual as it wasn't gears that phased me so much, but, one thing I will say is that if you learn in a diesel then buy a petrol, the clutch control is different. I mean every car is different but I stalled a lot in the petrol I bought after passing compared with the diesel I learned in, before I got the clutch control in my car.

And changing gear and clutch control does become second nature, I have found now I'm changing up or down without specifically thinking "I need to change gear" or pulling off from a hill start without chugging or stalling and adjusting the clutch as I go by feel rather than direct thought.

I've been driving 6 months now and I can honestly say I'm still quite tentative and cautious. But I've driven in ice, snow, heavy rain, storms etc and just took it steady, pulled over when I thought I was probably holding people up and did what I thought was safe rather than what someone else thought I should do. I only drive locally, haven't been on a motorway and plan my route carefully if I'm going anywhere.

Considering this time last year I never thought I'd master it and now I'm able to drive myself to work, to the shops and to walk the dogs, the fact I haven't gone further afield or on motorways yet isn't really a problem because I'm still further forward than I was this time last year!

It's daunting and there were times I just thought that I would never get it, but as many of us on this thread prove, it is possible to go for it later in life and do it. I don't think I'd have ever managed when I was younger, but being older has given me more confidence in myself, which feeds itself into many areas of your life.

It has changed my life, I never had any doubt that it would, and it has been worth the money and the stress up to now. It's a big responsibility and I don't think it's a bad thing to have that in your mind, I do feel that a lot. I also used to worry that by me driving safely I'd 'cause' people to become frustrated and then do something stupid, I mean yes if you're doing 20 in a 60 with good road conditions then that can be dangerous, but if I'm doing 45/50 in a 60 when it's pissing down with poor visibility and wet roads and at night and someone sits up my arse and then does a risky overtaking manoeuvre, that's their decision, and their responsibility, not mine. I'm aware I'm not an experienced driver and as such I'm taking that into account as part of the road conditions at the time, which is sensible, no matter how much it might frustrate someone who wants to do 60 regardless of the conditions because that's what is allowed.

Good luck 🍀

I taught my very very nervous mother who was in her mid fifties and that was with a stick shift. My sons found it much easier to learn with an automatic - no clutch and no gear changing is much easier for many people.

I've found my people!!! I'm early 40s and for the past 20 years I've been saying I need to learn to drive! I'm simply terrified tho. The idea of being in control of a car and having all the added things like gears and other drivers has prevented me from ever getting into the driving seat!.
I really hate being dependent on my dh when it comes to the car so I know its down to me to do something about it. Reading everyone's stories has really helped and encouraged me this afternoon so thank you ladies 🥰🥰🥰

I'm so sorry about your relative, I can imagine that must have affected you quite badly! 😢 In my case, my fear doesn't come from that, I'm not sure where it comes from, although a family member of mine had a couple of accidents which could have been pretty bad, they were extremely lucky on both occasions though! I wonder if that could have contributed to my fear in some way?

even Americans can master it 😉

Most of us master it around 16 😉😘

Snarky comebacks aside @Serrina It really is one of those things that become easier with practice and harder the longer it’s put off. The hardest thing about learning is the fear that you have. Driving really is easy.

If it helps, my grandmother learned to drive in her early 60’s. She did find it hard learning , and it took a couple of tests to pass but she drove for 20 years thereafter. Stopped driving for health reasons, being a sensible sort.

It’s never too late to learn!

Learning to drive is one of the most difficult things I ever did. I genuinely found it do difficult to do everything together, hands, feet, mirrors, signal, manovere etc.

That said, I managed it and don't give it a second thought now.

It's repetition, repetition and more repetition
Just jeep doing it over and over until it finally clicks. Once it does, it's impossible to ho backwards.

Things that helped me:

1. Practice, practice, practice - try to do as much as you can between lessons if anyone will go on the car with you

2. Sunday morning spins - a relative used to drive me to a large relatively quiet industrial estate for weeks in end to build up confidence

3. Roundabout - same relative found me somewhere to go with helps of roundabouts in a row - literally at the next round about take the third exit, then the first exit etc

Then we started going later in the day when it was busier. Then Saturday's etc

Over and over until it became boring. It only got boring when I got good at it!

Also don't tell people when you are sitting your test and allow yourself to be comfortable failing it. That takes the pressure off hugely.

I'm 60 and have only had my full license since October. It took me well over a year learning to be ready to sit my P plate test. I'd never had anything to do with cars - lived in Melbourne all my life, always near trains and trams, only learned when I moved to a country town with no transport.

It is nerve-wracking when you start, no question. Part of the skill of driving is developing muscle memory, and that's just a matter of practice, of repetition. Plus as others have said, you need a good driving instructor. I was lucky, the bloke I picked was really good - patient and funny. I agree about learning in an automatic. I've never driven a manual. They're hardly used at all in Australia except commercial vehicles. Learning in an automatic is quite enough to start with imo!