Would you go to this wedding evening do?

[HotChocolateNotCocoa]

My cousin is getting married later this year. It’s not the first time around for either her or the groom, so they’d originally planned a small affair with immediate family only. However, their dream venue became available after a cancellation for a good price, so they’ve upscaled things.

My parents, sister and I are only invited to the evening do. I personally am fine with this, although my aunt (MoB) was mortified. My cousin pointed out that her fiancé has five aunts and uncles and that, if you include their partners, kids and their partners, you’re looking at 20 extra guests. I completely get this - weddings are an expensive business, and that many extra guests is a big cost (and the alternative is singling out one side).

The issue is, my parents really aren’t fussed by the evening do. Like me, they understand the rationale, but my dad in particular hates loud music and crowds. He’d have probably happily gone to the ceremony and reception, but left the evening do to the “youngsters”. My mum isn’t that keen to go if my dad doesn’t. In turn, my sister isn’t that fussed about it if my parents don’t go!

I'd like to go, but it starts to look a bit weird if it’s only me. I’m single, so I’d be going on my own - and while I’ll obviously know people there (my aunt and uncle, cousin’s siblings and kids etc.) I’d be the only family member arriving for the evening only. It sort of underlines that I didn’t get a full day invite, whereas if my whole family were going, it would be more like the extended family arriving (if that makes sense?).

The other issue is, my parents only live half an hour from the venue, whereas I live three hours away. I can’t see the point in paying for a hotel when I could get a cab back to my parents’ house, but it also underlines their absence - if people ask where I’m staying, they’re bound to ask why my parents didn’t come (and “they couldn’t be arsed” doesn’t sound great!)

Do I just send a nice card with a voucher and say I have a prior commitment?

If it’s only half an hr to your parents can’t everyone just watch the wedding and not do the evening do? The wedding is the important bit.
If not then YANBU to decline, but I imagine there may be someone huffing about none of you going when it’s only 30 mins away. Couldn’t your parents just put themselves out for the sake of a couple of hours to wish them well?

Just go if you want to, not if you don’t. You really don’t need to worry this much. It’s nobody’s business where you are staying, but you can tell them if you want. I doubt anybody there will be thinking about it anyway.

As long as they don't attend any other evening wedding receptions then it will be fine to say "They don't go to evening receptions anymore because Dad can't stand the loud music - haha!" Go and enjoy yourself with your extended family and get a cab back to theirs.

I stopped attending evening receptions about 5 years ago because the music drives me batty!

I think you're centralising yourself in this a bit too much. I'm pretty sure everyone is not going to be there wondering why you're coming on your own or why your parents aren't there. Honestly, people have their own lives.

Go if you want to, don't go if you don't want to. It's that simple.

Go, mingle and then stay at your parents.

Parents aren’t invited to the day.

could you persuade your sister to go with you? That seems like the best bet.

If your parents are only half an hour away surely they can just go for an hour or so. There might be quieter area to sit away from the music.

You could go with them and stay longer if you wanted.

I rather like weddings though and have no issues with evening do invitations only, so I'd generally always make the effort to go (unless it was too far away or had a ridiculous dress code).

I think you are over-thinking this. Just go, have a great time, dance your socks off and then taxi back to your parents' house.

My parents didn't come to my evening do when I got married last time. They just didn't want to. My dad was dead by the time my sister got married, and my mum stayed for the evening do on that occasion.

"In turn, my sister isn’t that fussed about it if my parents don’t go!"
But couldn't she be fussed about it because you are going?!
Assuming everyone gets on fine and there is no bad feeling or other poor situation, the nice thing would be for all four of you to go. Then your parents duck out early when the noise becomes too much for them, leaving you and your sister to get a taxi back to your parents home later on.

I'd prefer to attend with my parents (yes even at 51!) as then I have people I want to chat to.

So I'd ask parents if they can make it a family weekend, you both visit your parents and all go for an hour or so to the wedding. There are always quieter places to sit if needed.

I agree it would look a bit odd for you to go and not parents if local, unless infirm.

I wouldn't go, but then I don't go to any evening only invites as I'm one of those annoying people that like to see the actual wedding. Not bothered about an evening do.

This would be my preferred solution. I will broach it with my sister and BIL again.

I think your parents should make a bit more of an effort considering they are only thirty minutes away. Failing that, you and your sister could go and failing that you go on your own and then stay at your parents’. I really don’t think anybody would be over analysing where you are staying. I think all four of you being no shows is a bit of a poor show from your part of the family tbh.

I’m not suggesting it will be the only topic of conversation! It’s just a natural question for some people.

It doesn't sound like you want to go so don't. I don't think your cousin will be that bothered tbh. I don't mean that in a nasty way, just that the people it's most important to have at your wedding are the ones you invited to the ceremony. Everyone else is in the category nice but not essential imo

I'd also see it as a hassle free way to see relatives in one hit. (Assuming you like them well enough)

Else it will be a funeral.

It doesn't underline their absence - no one needs to know your arrangements and it would be odd not to stay there!
Go and have a great time.

They can’t actually prevent you from attending the ceremony itself. I could go.

However, the potential fall out probably isn’t worth it.

You shouldn't feel responsible for justifying your parents' decision not to go. Just say 'unfortunately they couldn't make it' if asked. For all anyone knows, you could be staying in their house in their absence.

They don't care as much as you think.

Go and then stay at your parents, have fun.

Only go if you really want to. Agree with the pp who said that the people the B&G really want there will be invited to the whole day. I only go to evening dos if I really want to. Absolutely no obligation to go as only an evening reception. Whereas a whole day invitation I will move things round, get a babysitter, travel a reasonable distance etc etc for

I personally wouldn’t bother with an evening only invite because I hate that portion of most weddings. The ceremony and the meal are the enjoyable part. We skipped the loud music and dancing at our wedding. Now, if your family has decided to host a board game tournament or craft night, then I might reconsider.

if you want to attend the planned festivities, just go. Really no one is going to care about your parents.

They aren't invited 😂

Go if you want to, don't if you don't want to. I can't imagine a soul will give more than a passing thought to where the rest of your family are. In any case if I've read correctly that the Groom's aunts / uncles / cousins / partners will also be evening guests then you likely won't be the only family member arriving for the evening, just the only one from the Bride's side.