Wanting to move as it seems so cliquey

[IngieLow]

DH, myself and our two children have recently moved to a relatively rural town/village, around 2500 people maybe a little more. It's surrounded by lots of tiny villages, 25/30 min to the nearest town with a proper supermarket etc, 40 min to an official city and well over an hour to a "real" city (like a big city Manchester/Birmingham/Newcastle/Leeds type).

The village itself has 1 primary school, which isn't that big, 1 form entry, a small but very good secondary school, always fills every place each year and then a private school which is 50/50 boarding and day pupils. We decided to move here as it seemed the have a good community spirit, the schools seemed lovely, and shockingly there were quite a few social activities which mattered to us, tennis club, dance lessons, girl guides/scouts and the private school has a pool which hosts private swimming lessons after school and on weekends. I liked that despite the small size it seemed to have a lot going on.

However, it's been 7 months and we are really struggling to fit in. DH works at the university in the nearest city, so a lot of commuting, I'm currently a SAHM.
DD is 2 and I take her to toddler groups but it seems they all, already have their friends and don't want to chat to newcomers. DS is 6, he goes to school and does well but the parents aren't eager for play dates (or suggest we just drop the kids off and not stay). We have joined the tennis club and even then we have struggled to make friends!!

I don't really know what else to do. I'm tempted to try join some clubs in either the nearest bigger town or about 20 min away there is a village of a similar size so try there and see if they are anymore welcoming.

I'm also really worried about the lack of diversity. DS' school is effectively all white children from pretty comfortable backgrounds. I'm worried such a lack of diversity will be detrimental to him. It's also a church school, his last one was too but this one is much more religious, with prayer and the such incorporated into everyday.
The surrounding villages that are tiny and have their own schools are also predominantly CofE and have close connections with the same church so I'm not sure they'd be any better.

AIBU wanting to move so soon after for these reasons or do I just need to give it time?

I'm also really worried about the lack of diversity. DS' school is effectively all white children from pretty comfortable backgrounds. I'm worried such a lack of diversity will be detrimental to him

you are worried about your children being surrounded by white middle class children, in a rural English village?

I'm also really worried about the lack of diversity. DS' school is effectively all white children from pretty comfortable backgrounds. I'm worried such a lack of diversity will be detrimental to him. It's also a church school, his last one was too but this one is much more religious, with prayer and the such incorporated into everyday
The surrounding villages that are tiny and have their own schools are also predominantly CofE and have close connections with the same church so I'm not sure they'd be any better

Surely you must have realized this when you looked around?

I'm worried that we didn't think it through and the lack of diversity will create intolerance. I'd rather my children were exposed to lots of different cultures and backgrounds.

I'd rather my children were exposed to lots of different cultures and backgrounds.

You definitely didn't think it through then. Rural villages of 2500 people are never the place to head to for diversity. I'm assuming it's a wealthy area too if it's got a boarding school with 50% day pupils from the surrounding area. C'mon, it's practically the exact opposite of where you'd go if you want a cultural mix.

Cliqueyness is never nice, but again, you've gone somewhere which is innately very 'local', not awash with new people coming in and out who'd be more open to building new friendships. You might get lucky, but you'd be much better off looking to the bigger towns to find people on your wavelength and who might be looking for new mates. For diversity, it's more likely to be in the cities. Even in big towns with diversity, the communities tend to be less mixed together.

So have a proper look around for a place that ticks your boxes, if that's what you really value. Some people would stay put in a village like yours for the schools, but I'd much rather have the cultural mix and so stayed in a city.

It sounds exactly as I’d expect a rural village of 2500 to be. If diversity etc is important to you, why on earth did you move somewhere so rural?

Some of the most racist people i have met, grew up in 'diverse' areas.

I live in a very white area but am not white and it’s not a problem. Plus it’s pretty rough where we live, it’s an ex mill and mining area. Are you actually not white? My DS was one of about 5 children out of 1000 at his secondary school that were mixed race/not white. We had one racist incident and his mate sorted it, he threatened the other kid, both white. I know MN won’t approve probably but there was no scrap. It sorted it.

You can be completely tolerant of other cultures without experiencing food, festivals, etc.

and the lack of diversity will create intolerance.

Hmm. Who is the "intolerant" one here? Assuming that white people are intolerant unless they are "exposed" to non whites? Sure, because racism never exists in big cities!

The UK is a majority white country, did you not realise?

Absolutely this.
It’s often the wealthy London suburbs that are most tolerant - The inner city parts much less so.

As a Jewish ex-Londoner I can assure you that just being around people who are different to you does not create tolerance and inclusivity. Parental attitudes and those of the other adults in your life (eg school, clubs) have a vastly more significant effect.

You're only thinking about diversity on a very shallow level. Are you worried that your dc won't get to know any kids with visible Special Needs - or is it only visible ethnicities that concern you?

Like you, I moved to a small place (slightly larger than yours) while a SAHM with small dc. It took me a year to make any friends. My playground friends really began when my younger dc started school.

I have had plenty of curiosity and a little bewilderment when people discover that I am Jewish. They often think I'm 'the only Jew in the village' (I'm not), but I have not experienced any anti-Semitism whatsoever since moving here.

My dc, on the other hand... Their schools, however, have been excellent addressing this issue, as have some of the parents of the bullies.

So I would say you need to give it longer, and to consider your own engagement with what you want for your dc.

I think drop off play dates at 6 years old are more normal than parents staying, especially if there is a 2 year old in tow.

Could you have had unrealistic expectations?

Leaving aside the diversity issue - although I agree with many other pps, and think tolerance or other wise are mainly taught at home - I don't think you've given it long enough. 6 months really is no time at all; I've moved a lot in my adult life and I think on the whole it takes at least 18 months to start to feel settled in a new place. What you're reading as cliquey may be just people who've known each other a long time, getting on with their busy lives.

Also, proper friendships are made through shared interests and values, not just having children the same age. That makes it hard when all your time is taken up with baby-wrangling, but if you have a hobby you can pursue in your new area, I bet you'll find it easier to make connections that way.

Have you previously found it easy to make friends in the past?

Other than the tennis club, every activity you mentioned is to do with your kids. Have you gone to the pub in the evenings? Or invited the neighbours round? It sounds like you need to try a bit more to meet people outside if the school run.

You sound like a townie & better off moving to one. Ridiculous comment about the lack of diversity in the school.

Can you start volunteering with the local scout/guide group? Or another community group? It might help you make local connections.

Only you can decide OP.
May I ask, did you not think about this before moving there?

This was my exact situation. It was tough! By year four I had found a couple of kindred spirits but it took a lot work. After five years we moved backed to london as it was all a bit insular.

the way I survived was by being really proactive with friendships. Targeting women who were not born in the town so would be experiencing the challenges as me, hosting A LOT, setting up a WhatsApp group of local mums and having a weekly play date at mine, inviting five and aiming for at least one to come.

I wish you luck. Moving back to london has meant I’m closer to old friends and also in the neighbourhood with some like minded people, from all parts of the world. But one truth is, people with jobs and children are BUSY! And establishing friendships with them takes hard work wherever you are.

I have to agree with PPs, it seems pretty astonishing that this wouldn’t have crossed your mind before moving. It’s the biggest cliche about village life that it’s white and clicquey. It’s not universally true but moving to a village and being shocked at this is a bit like moving to London and being surprised that people don’t wave at you on the underground.

That said it’s still early days and I think you have to give it more time.

Agree with others that friendships based on children are not very strong. It is better to target adults who you have interests / values in common with rather than children.

Also a reminder to draw on long distance support too! Call your friends who are far away, arrange to go and see them etc. friendships can be very rewarding even if they are long distance.

I would sadly agree with this. Having different ethnic communities in the area doesn’t guarantee harmonious integration. Some times it only creates “us and them” situations.

Also if you want your child to grow up tolerant then I’d say a lot of that is on you and what you are teaching, especially at the ages they are.

It sounds very much like a place near us. It’s very nice but very ‘tribal’ as opposed to cliques. Thera the private school brigade who subdivide into those that board and those that don’t and subdivide again into those that are in school housing and those that aren’t. Then you’ve got the state school tribe. All very nice welcoming people, but they don’t really cross mix.
does this sound familiar @IngieLow? . You really do need to give it longer than six months. Everyone will politely stand by and wait to see which tribe you decide you fit in. Non of them are being rude it’s just they way things are and always have been. Join groups, go out for a meal, be seen out and about and you will gradually gravitate to those you feel comfortable with.

Hopefully you will start to make friends. I think it could take about 2 yrs to get settled in and make friends in a new place.

If you wanted diversity why on earth did you move to a small village? Sounds like you didn't think this move through. A diverse neighbourhood will not promote acceptance - that happens at home.

It's been 7 months, most of which winter so I think you need to lower your expectations and stop relying on your village to provide everything for you.

Villages are hard. The curious go-getters who grow up in them leave for new shores. Those who stay tend to be the more insular and “local” mindset, they went to school with their friends. CofE schools are literally religious schools, where All Things have always been Bright and Beautiful.