Wanting to move as it seems so cliquey

[IngieLow]

DH, myself and our two children have recently moved to a relatively rural town/village, around 2500 people maybe a little more. It's surrounded by lots of tiny villages, 25/30 min to the nearest town with a proper supermarket etc, 40 min to an official city and well over an hour to a "real" city (like a big city Manchester/Birmingham/Newcastle/Leeds type).

The village itself has 1 primary school, which isn't that big, 1 form entry, a small but very good secondary school, always fills every place each year and then a private school which is 50/50 boarding and day pupils. We decided to move here as it seemed the have a good community spirit, the schools seemed lovely, and shockingly there were quite a few social activities which mattered to us, tennis club, dance lessons, girl guides/scouts and the private school has a pool which hosts private swimming lessons after school and on weekends. I liked that despite the small size it seemed to have a lot going on.

However, it's been 7 months and we are really struggling to fit in. DH works at the university in the nearest city, so a lot of commuting, I'm currently a SAHM.
DD is 2 and I take her to toddler groups but it seems they all, already have their friends and don't want to chat to newcomers. DS is 6, he goes to school and does well but the parents aren't eager for play dates (or suggest we just drop the kids off and not stay). We have joined the tennis club and even then we have struggled to make friends!!

I don't really know what else to do. I'm tempted to try join some clubs in either the nearest bigger town or about 20 min away there is a village of a similar size so try there and see if they are anymore welcoming.

I'm also really worried about the lack of diversity. DS' school is effectively all white children from pretty comfortable backgrounds. I'm worried such a lack of diversity will be detrimental to him. It's also a church school, his last one was too but this one is much more religious, with prayer and the such incorporated into everyday.
The surrounding villages that are tiny and have their own schools are also predominantly CofE and have close connections with the same church so I'm not sure they'd be any better.

AIBU wanting to move so soon after for these reasons or do I just need to give it time?

‘shockingly there were quite a few social activities which mattered to us, tennis club, dance lessons…..’

I don’t understand why it is shocking that social activities should matter to you? Are you being sarcastic?

it does seem a bit odd that you send your child to COE schools and are surprised that they promote their faith. If you are interested, though, churches tend to be pretty welcoming, it’s their obligation to be kind to ‘the stranger’, and that could be your way into more community activités. The COE has certainly been preaching to the DIE prompt sheet in the past few years, so that could chime with you.

I think it may be easy for the reality of a situstion to only hit home once you are living it - lots of people make decisions then things arise that didn't occur - so dont worry about comments relating to you moving there.

So, i lived in a very rural small village, with mostly wealthy white people, a few farmers and a few not so wealthy. It was quite smothering at times for my parents and us as we got a bit older.
It had one school and 1 pub.
No public transport.

I did not go to the village school as my parents wanted me to have a wider scope of friends and my mum chose based on what she thought was best academically also.My school was about a 30 min drive away (as was everything else).
But there was still no diversity as the wider area was also very "white", in my high school we had 3 children of different ethnicities.
There were some very worrying views of people around us, but we just didnt associate with them, my father would always pull people up for any racism, we just couldn't understand how people thought it ok.

But my parents always instilled good morals in us, how we treat people - all people and how we dont discriminate based on colour, race, age etc etc. So we (as most kids do) learn from our parents at a young age.

If you instill good morals and values in your kids and give them the opportunity to mix with in good circles, they will be fine.

I moved to a rural farming community and did not know a soul.We got stuck in to village life, groups, clubs, volunteering etc, yet it still took a couple of years before we were not seen as the couple from down south!

I agree with everyone else that if diversity is important to you then it’s an odd choice of location. I also think wanting diversity when you come from the comfortable position of being white (I assume you are) is very different to if you know you’ll be in the minority somewhere (as a non white person). You have the luxury of choice which makes your decision all the more perplexing.

What a bizarre thing to be concerned about!

That kind of environment sounds like bliss to most British people!

Can you afford to move to the City where your DH works? That is what I would do.

I could never survive in a small place like that, I would find it endlessly boring. We are all different. Uni cities are usually quite vibrant so I would go there.

This. I grew up and still live in a place very much like the op describes but never really encountered racist attitudes until I met some of ex DPS family, all from a large very diverse city in the Midlands.

So you want diversity but are actually intolerant of a particular faith. It's just box ticking for you.

Just interested here, but what do you mean by this?

I like the sound of this place- where are you!?

Seven months is not that long in village life. You need to be really involved in village life to integrate. Join clubs, exercise groups, volunteer, good neighbours etc etc. Even then you're probably looking at a minimum of 2-3 years.

Personally I don't think you've given it enough time. Your situation sounds excellent and you are thinking too much about the downside. You could have the same difficulty with integration in a big city along with all the disadvantages

Yes, how dare OP move to the countryside for a better life and then find some aspects of it hard 🙄
No idea why people are being so harsh on you here OP, sounds like you're trying really hard to settle in.
Just to reassure you - I grew up in a rural area with a very white population and I'm not intolerant. Your kids will be fine x

That’s really fast to decide you don’t fit in. Where I live, the demographics sound pretty much identical to where you are. I’d say it took maybe 3 years before I felt part of the furniture and accepted. I wasn’t worried about that as I’m not massively sociable and quite happy in my own company, I could probably have fast tracked the fitting in if I’d actually tried 🤣.

I have been here over 10 years now and I love it. Every time I go down into town, I see someone I know. I can walk into the pub and I’ll know quite a few people there I can sit and chat with. It feels safe here. I don’t worry about my DC walking around by themselves, or going off and playing with friends. I’d say that’s a major benefit to somewhere like this, when my kids were as young as 10/11, they’d be off with their friends in the summer holidays, gone all day, mucking about in the river etc. There’s not many places they can do that these days. Either it’s so remote you have to drive them to see friends, or it’s too peopley and you’d be worried about them. It feels like there’s the best of both worlds here. There’s a real sense of community here and people look out for each other.

The diversity is an odd one - I don’t think growing up somewhere pro dominantly white equals your children growing up to be racists. Mine certainly aren’t, ok there’s not many people from different cultures and countries here, but there’s a few, and I have travelled quite a lot with my dc.

If it’s city life you’re after, no you’ll never be happy there, but otherwise give it time, it’s been 6 months and those have been grim wintery months when people tend to hibernate.

I have never lived in a small village and always big towns or cities so not too qualified but my sons dad is from a very small village that is comparable to the show “this country” and I would stay short term with him when dating, and my extended family (nan, uncle, cousins etc) live in the middle of nowhere in Cornwall with their primary having mixed age group classes because its that small and I will go down 4-5x a year.

is there a possibility of hosting something or getting involved in anything at a local village hall (coffee mornings, maybe set up a MacMillan one) or any volunteering type roles (charity shops etc) or even if your sons school has a PTA.

With smaller villages i have found a tendency of people being at first apprehensive about new people but after a while (year or 2) its all rosie “local shop for local people” comes to mind😅. Its a very different way of living however after time it would likely get better. bigger towns or cities there can be a bigger lack of “community” feel because everyone can be and will be so anonymised or busy with varying things. But smaller spaces after a while it becomes second nature. Smaller villages in summer usually have events fates etc which could be a good opportunity.

Relation to the diversity, my son is in a primary with a very diverse population from all backgrounds and i do adore that especially when he comes home saying how this friend or that friend speaks about different holidays they celebrate or food that he wants to try languages etc.
HOWEVER! He has also come saying how a group of kids were picking on a friend due to their ethnicity and he didn’t understand why (have heard parents at the gate expressing negative attitudes towards lessons at other religions holidays - i was ear wigging im a headphones in grab kid and go parent) so regardless of the diverse nature of the school theres still incidents and kids learn their parents ideologies and what is said in the home and as a parent you can teach your children in relation to tolerance and diversity an cultures.

It sounds like you moved with what mattered to you and your family. Give it some time:)

• this post was longer than intended.

It sounds like Kirkham! :)

Agree with others. 7 months is no time at all in village life. It’s not like a town or city where people are coming and going all the time. In a village relationships work on decades, lifetimes and span multiple generations. You’re trying to befriend busy fellow Mums who probably, without meaning anything negative about it, aren’t going to invest a ton time into someone who’s only been there 5 minutes and may leave again.

So long as no one is being actively hostile I’d just relax and give it time. After a couple of years they’ll realise you are staying. After 5 you’ll start becoming a fixture.

Sick to death of "you lot" bleating on about your entitlement. Within the last 70 years England has changed. Lost its identity. And we are all supposed to sit back, shut up, and say nothing.

How does just living somewhere with 'diverse' people make it any better

Maybe it is your views that make you not fit in rather than the place itself? You are coming across as very judgemental

The whole world has changed, not just England. Globalisation, more mobile populations, better transport & information links - people can move around so much more. I think it’s great, I’ve lived all over the place and am happy that others can do that too.

How long have you been there op?