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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be livid that my friend has "entertained" someone in my house while we've been away?

38 replies

noche · 25/03/2008 15:54

I have just come back from a trip away with my DD to find that my friend who was feeding the cat appears to have been doing more than popping in to top up the Felix!
There was wine spilt on the floor, crisps down the gaps in the sofa, muck from washing up in the sink (like half a lasagna and salad!), a tap running, stuff obviously used in the kitchen and not put back etc etc oh yes and a recipe in her writing she had ripped up and dropped on the floor.
I was livid!!! We have been estranged lately as she has decided to leave her H and kids and they are family friends so I have kept out of it which she didn't like and badmouthed me to others. However, last week I sent her a note to see if we could patch things up and she was really pleased so that was when I asked her to feed the cat.
Then I come back to this!!!! I went straight round nad asked her to explain.She said she had wanted some time on her own so went round to watch a DVD. I don't believe her-the DVD doesn't work and why would she take a recipe and use so much stuff in the kitchen? And why wouldn't she ask-that would be normal? Anyway I asked for my key back and said I didn't want to be in touch with her anymore as she had abused my trust.
Trust is really important to me as I was married to a serial adulterer and compulsive liar who made me think I was mad by spinning so many lies and this friend knows all that so her abuse of my trust/lying (if she is-I have no proof but very much doubt she was there on her own..)seems all the worse.
She has since texted me non stop saying I have over-reacted-she wouldn't have minded me doing the same to her (irrelevant as I wouldn't have done it) and that she was going to tell me but didn't get the chance. I have not replied. She then said she is seeing a bloke (has always maintained separation is not about anyone else) but that she didn't bring him round to shag him if that was what I was thinking (i never said a word!)Then she said if I wanted to tell her H about the bloke I could! Then said I was being un fair to say she had abused my trust when she hadn't "done anything wrong". I have said nothing more to her and won't but I am so mad.

What's going on ? Why do you think she said all that about her bloke and telling her H? It feels like she wants me to do her dirty work for her. What should I do? Am inclined to keep ignoring her as at the moment I want nothing more to do with her, and after the previous stuff I need to call ita day now. Our DDs are best friends though! What do I say when other friends ask? I feel so much like telling everyone what she has done but need to try to ccontain myself-thanks God for Mumsnet!!
What would you do?

OP posts:
beaniesteve · 25/03/2008 16:00

Don't tell her husband. Don't get involved in her games. I would be upset too.

lou33 · 25/03/2008 16:00

i would be annoyed as well

she should have asked your permission, and yanbu

lou33 · 25/03/2008 16:02

i agree you should not get involved in her private life though

hecate · 25/03/2008 16:05

She's totally taken the piss, what more is there to talk about? I would continue to ignore her texts.

Apart from anything else it will drive her crazy

maisemor · 25/03/2008 16:05

She should have asked your permission, you are right about being upset about her using your house like that.

I would keep ignoring, at least until she realises what she has done (is doing) is wrong and apologises.

BITCAT · 25/03/2008 16:06

Your rite to be annoyed, its plain rude and inconsiderate, and i would be doing a rethink on my friendship as she should not have put you in that position! Never the less she should have asked you 1st and i think you should probably keep it to yourself, that is so not the way you treat a friend though.

sophierosie · 25/03/2008 16:08

I'd be pissed off too, but maybe just take a step back from her for a while. You said that you've been estranged and then after catching up once you asked her to feed your cats - she probably just took the opportunity or maybe even thought you wanted to make contact again just so you could get someone to feed her cats.

Just keep your distance and keep quiet.

Original poster
noche · 25/03/2008 16:08

She is very manipulative I know from previous stuff. I'm determined I'm not going to play in to her hands! It was so obvious she had been here-I feel as if that was deliberate too.My ex was like this. I'm sure it's a way of avoiding taking responsibility for your own actions-ie get someone else to do it!

OP posts:
BITCAT · 25/03/2008 16:08

Shes obviously not worthy of your friendship from the sounds of it!! I would stick with the friends that will respect you and your home.

Original poster
noche · 25/03/2008 16:14

What i don't get is HOW people get to behave like this? Have they NO conscience at all?

She told me ages ago she liked somone at work and was considering having an affair and I told her then, very calmly, that that was her choice but that after my experience with XH I was not about to be supportive, sympathetic, or used as an excuse. She said she understood and respected my view!!!

What kind of bloke was it that came round to my house? Is he trustworthy? Did he know it was my house, not hers? Where did he think she had put her 3 kids and 2 cats?? My house is in a rifgt mess too after a big flood which brought ceilings down AND she left the tap running!!!!!!

OP posts:
TheArmadillo · 25/03/2008 16:22

cut off contact.

You will tie yourself in knots trying to understnad why she did it - there will be no answer that will satisfy you. You are a reasonable person, it makes it difficult to understand those who are not

Do your dds see each other at school?

If other friends ask, just say she had done some things you couldn't forgive and refuse to go into details.

None of this is a reflection on you, only your friend. Remember that.

FarCanal · 25/03/2008 16:31

What a cheeky baggage! Real friends don't do things like that! I'd perform a little friendectomy there I think!

BITCAT · 25/03/2008 16:38

I agree. You so dont need the hassle! Do you know it makes me appreciate the friends i have all the more? Friends should be the ones to pick you up when your down, comfort you in times of sadness, to listen to your worries, have a laugh, a giggle with, maybe a night out here and there!! And the same in reverse, above all i respect all of them and would never use them or abuse there trust in me!! I would do almost anything for my friends..i will always be there for them in good and bad times..and i know i will get the same from them!! You clearly wont get this from your friend..friendship is two way thing..shouldnt be one sided!! I would ignore her, and id be civil but i wouldnt trust her with my house or anything else!! By civil i mean..not rude..a hello..goodbye..that would be it if it was me!!

BITCAT · 25/03/2008 16:40

And only in passing, i wouldnt go out of my way to contact her or anything! I think what she has done is quite selfish.

beaniesteve · 25/03/2008 16:43

Did she use your bed. That would make me very angry!

BumperliciousAteTooManyEggs · 25/03/2008 16:43

Send her a bill for the water, leccy and 1 night's rent!

catsmother · 25/03/2008 16:43

I would go with your instincts and have nothing more to do with her. It was a gross abuse of the trust you'd placed in her ..... and if she was still feeling miffed at your previous falling out and/or thought you had a cheek to ask, she should have declined to feed your cat, not mess up your house as some sort of "revenge".

It goes without saying that you shouldn't get involved in telling her exH about her new man. She's separated now, so it's up to her to tell him if she wants.

I don't think you can ever have a real friend if you can't trust that person.

yorkshirepudding · 25/03/2008 16:48

Message withdrawn

lizziemun · 25/03/2008 17:16

YANBU

If you cook a meal in someone elses house (even if it was just for herself ) why the heck didn't she clear up afterwards.

She wants you to tell her husband and for him to finish the relationship so she can blame free.

LuLuMacGloo · 25/03/2008 17:27

I wouldn't be that fussed over her using the facilities in exchange for the favour of her feeding the cat - if she was a GOOD mate. However, I would expect her to clean up after herself. But given past history she doesn't sound like a good mate ergo this latest incident could be interpreted as her taking the piss.

Your DD's being pals makes it complicated - but they've obviously weathered the storm before when you and friend were estranged and will probably do so again if they really like each other. So this is a very long winded way of saying I would quietly drop her as a pal and not subject yourself to anymore aggro/stress. Be the bigger person here - you've confronted her so end of. Rise above and think positive thoughts! Deal with her as you would deal with the parent of any of dd's friends and don't ask her any more favours.

LuLuMacGloo · 25/03/2008 17:27

Oh and don't say anything to her ex. That's her business.

Original poster
noche · 25/03/2008 17:36

lizziemun that's just what I thought. It's just the "I didn't s**g him in your house" comment when it was never even mentioned by me. In fact I didn't even know she was seeing anyone. It;s just that I know the signs all too well..people take those sort of risks when they are enthralled in an affair-it's part of the thrill. I'd say she wanted me to know and couldn't believe I didn't accuse her so brought it up herself. As she has said in the past-she doesn't in tend to be a saddo like me post divorce! (i've been on my own for 4years but am quite happy with that for now and i don't think she can quite accept that I really do not want a relationship she's always tried to make it into some sort of competition as in "ooh how funny i keep getting chatted up when you're the single one")God why have i stayed friends with her this long?? She used to look after my DD but I moved her away after DD told me, and friend's DD said it too, that friend left them on their own to go to the shops-in the car 10 mins away-they're 6!!I thought then it was probably to do with a bloke because as I said when you start taking mad risks, it's usually for a reason
When I turned up at her house she looked shifty and straightaway asked me if I had been home yet. Why would she do that-she wanted me to know didn't she?

Oh I'll shut up now! Friendship over for once and for all! You don't expect this sort of thing from people on their 40's do you??

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 25/03/2008 17:40

YANBU.

just keep ignoring her.

that's not on to use someone's house like that without asking first.

Original poster
noche · 25/03/2008 17:50

What's YANBU????

OP posts:
oatcake · 25/03/2008 17:53

took me a while to work out but I think it's "you are not being unreasonable"...