To be annoyed at DH for going out?

[Mbarts89]

We’ve recently had our second baby (5 months) and life is hard - neither of us get much ‘time off’. So when an old friend text me to ask if either of us could join her last minute at a gig, I told my partner and he was keen (I was immediately ruled out as I’m still breastfeeding every couple hours). Problem is: the friend in question is quite flirtatious and I know my partner has been quite flirty back before - and he knows I have had issues with this in the past (this was a few years ago before we had children).

Trouble is, I was the one that told him she’d messaged and said ‘go if you really want to’ secretly hoping he’d read between the lines 🤦‍♀️

Anyway - AIBU for being annoyed that he chose to go? I’m now at home looking after our two children while he’s out with her - having the sort of one on one, fun time that me and my partner never get to enjoy together anymore (we haven’t been on a date in nearly a year)

This is weird all round! Weird that you told him about it and to go, weird that he actually went, and weird that your friend wanted him to with her, are they short on friends??

Look you are currently in the worst shoe emotionally - lack of sleep is horrendous.

You know you need to use your words.

Ummm this is a bigger problem. Get yourself out of the house for 2 hours this weekend.

I don't think you should have told him if you didn't actually want him to go.

Maybe it's time to start going over to a bottle so you can start going out again. Then you might feel less tied down. You've done 5 months.

It's probably a bit odd your friend asked him to go & you say she's flirty. Maybe that's just her personality & she's being friendly.

said ‘go if you really want to’ secretly hoping he’d read between the lines

Read between what lines??? I can't work it out. This isn't even an annoying "subtle hint", it's literally saying one thing and expecting him to do the opposite.

This. Why would you be friends with someone like this. Why are you ok with your husband being flirty with people. And why oh why did you tell him it's ok to go out with her.

Men cant get it right no matter what.

Lambhot- really? I as a human being know exactly how to get it right

YABU just for being a martyr. I would imagine he's enjoying the break.

It means its MN men can get it right even when they do.
They cant mind read but some women think they should.

Do please let us in on the secret to avoiding this kind of scenario by reading the mind of your nearest and dearest when what they actually mean is the opposite of what they say.

YABU. Expecting someone to read between the lines is always a risky strategy, but in this case there doesn’t even seem to be anything between the lines you laid out for him.

Exactly.

When I'd been with my partner for a couple of months, I planned a night out to a gig with a female friend.

After the tickets had been bought, she told me a male friend of hers was also going. Not a problem. I'd never met this man but she'd often talked about him. She was married, this was a man she had worked with for years.

Anyway, on the day of the gig, she cancelled as she was unwell. I explained all of this to my new boyfriend and that, if i went, it would just be me and a man I'd never met before. He said that if I still wanted to go, I should. I checked he meant it. He said he did. So I went.

My partner was genuinely fine with it. It's never been a problem. But I would have been a bit pissed off if he'd been enthusiastic about me attending and then told me after the fact I should have realised I shouldn't have gone!

You need a lot more honest communication in your relationship. For starters, a flirting woman should not be a threat because he should have been very clear with her that he wasn't interested and distanced himself if she continued. You and he should have been able to discuss that and you should know how he intends to deal with it. After that, it would have been very straightforward to deal with the invitation as you would have told him and both recognised why it wasn't a good idea for him to go. Instead you're quietly worrying your friend will steal him from you, passing on invitations, saying one thing and hoping for another, and getting anxious.
I'd suggest you have a think about whether you want a friend who'd try to make a move on your partner, and whether you want a partner you don't trust to say no.

a flirting woman should not be a threat because he should have been very clear with her that he wasn't interested and distanced himself if she continued

a flirting woman shouldn’t be a threat if you trust your partner and he’s faithful.

i don’t give a shit who flirts with my husband, couldn’t care less. He loves me, he’s faithful, what anyone else does is irrelevant.

I think you’re very tired and maybe you can appeal to his better nature and simply ask him not to go, but to just rest at home with you as you’re feeling a bit exhausted.

And if you have so little time to yourself, just ask him if you can have an hour, then leave the house after your baby has a feed and go somewhere nice by yourself

Why do you have to give him time out to get som time back for yourself?

It can’t be right that you have a whole man in the house, your child’s father, but can’t take time to shower.

There’s a lot here that you need to communicate, because he’s not sounding great.

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes and all that. I'd have just said no we can't go.

Of course he shouldn't have gone but why did you give him the option?!
Bit weird that the friend asked if either of you could go too. Presume she knows you're breastfeeding and times are a bit tough right now?

@Mbarts89

I am saying YABU, because why say 'go if you want to?' Hoping he would 'read between the lines?' Is he psychic?

As for this so-called 'friend' ... bin her off. Flirting with your husband is nasty. Why are you friends with her? And why did you even tell your DH about the concert? And why are you tolerating your DH flirting with other women? Especially so-called FRIENDS! There is SO much wrong with all of this.

You told your flirty husband it was fine to go to a gig with your flirty friend so he would be amenable to allow you a 20 minute bath this weekend?

Op, you have so many problems here.

This is nothing to do with "mind reading" or being psychic for god's sake. If I was a man and my wife gave birth 5 months ago, I would definitely not be going to a gig with another woman. His own common decency should have made him decline. There are certain situations in life when you defer to being the better person and see the wider picture and this is one of them. Is the DH so emotionally stunted that he can't see that?

Gina - completely agree

Gina - completely disagree.