To leave him over this..

[sportycrew2006]

Been with DP 10 years and have a 2 year old together.

I had a feeling something wasn't right and rightly or wrongly I checked his phone.
He's been messaging a girl I kind of know and it's clear he's slept with her at some point years ago. He mentions how they went back to a club after which shut before we were together which makes me assume it was before we met. He's been saying how it was great and the best he's ever had, going into intimate detail. She's married now and just replies by saying yes to be young again, or just laughs it off. So it's clearly him that's trying to bring it up more than her.

I've not mentioned it to him yet. What would you do?

If my partner was sexting anyone, then yes, I'd leave him.

I'm sorry this is happening to you 💐I would leave him, yes. I'd also take photos of the messages to show him when I kicked him out.

I'd take photos of the messages.

I'd make plans to leave him.

Unless you own your house, in which case I'd throw him out immediately.

She doesn't particularly encourage it.. and the messages always seem to have been sent when he's had a drink late at night. It's as though he starts thinking about it when he's had a drink or something?

Your gut was churning for a reason. Could there be more going on too with other women?

It's not good - he shouldn't be messaging other women about their shared sexual history whilst in a relationship with someone. In my opinion.

I'd leave. If he hasn't cheated, he's actively looking to see if an opportunity will come up

Ask him how he would feel if someone told him that you'd been messaging an old flame saying he was 'the best you'd ever had' and see what he says. ( although I'm going through some crap at the moment so I might not be the best to advise? )

These were the only messages I could see but who knows if he's deleted others. Should I message her and ask for her side of the story?

Don't message her - it seems from what you are saying she's not interested in pursuing it. He's the one drunk texting.

Does he have form for this? Have there ever been any other times he's done something like this?

Why? She’s already being hassled by a creep ex, she doesn’t need to be hassled by a creep ex’s wife.

It’s obvious that he wants to flirt and boost his ego - and the easy way to do that, is to contact an ex. It’s easier and lower risk than chatting up a stranger in a bar, or on a satin site. He may not even want to cheat with her - he just wants the ego stroke. I had an ex who did this to me - he wanted attention. He was on another continent, permanently. I cut him off - and told him our friendship and he needed to respect his wife, or leave his wife.

Only you know whether it’s a good relationship and he’s bored with it but it’s salvageable for both of you, or not. It wouldn’t be OK for me.

sorry he’s putting you through this 😕

Absolutely do not message her.
you need to confront your partner, in a calm way.
you’ve been together a long time and have a small child, his behaviour is utterly reprehensible but he is also a human being and human beings make shitty mistakes.
other than this - is your relationship good, or is this the last straw?

his reaction will tell you what you need to know. If he is shitty and defensive the war is already over.
if he ashamed and upfront and willing to go to couples counselling to work through the issues together the relationship is salvageable.

reminiscing on your youth when your drunk and texting a ex is one one thing….meeting up with them when sober is another completely….. only you know where your line is.

I left my first husband for cheating as I was heartbroken. With the beauty of age and hindsight I wish I’d stayed and given things another go, but I was in my early twenties and thought love was like in the movies. Life isnt always black and white.

Why message her? She has no loyalties to you. Or made vows to you.
Kick his arse out.

I'd dump him and tell him it's because hes a crap shag. Kick him right in the ego.

No way would I leave room to weasel or let him see my feelings are hurt.

Message her for what? The poor woman sounds like she has no interest in him and is politely laughing off your DP’s trips down memory lane.

Whether you leave him or not depends on whether you can ever trust him again and forgive him for his actions. Some women will forgive infidelity others won’t, there’s no one rule for all.

I wouldn't message her - you don't actually need her side of the story, you have all you need, your DH is sending intimate messages to a woman saying it was the 'best he's ever had' whether his feelings are reciprocated or not is irrelevant.

I would have zero tolerance for this level of disrespect from him, and I would leave him. She may well be giving hm the brush off and not be interested, so chance are before long he will move onto some other woman to pester with his sleaze. If he's that kind of man, then he's that kind of man.

If you want to forgive, give him another chance and live with the idea that it may very well happen again, then that is obviously your choice. I would say you are worth a lot more than that and deserve to be with a man who treats you with love and respect.

This is shitty behaviour from him and so disrespectful towards you.

You deserve more than a man who messages a married woman in the hope she's up for a bit of sexting or a chance of getting his dick wet.

Fix your crown and remember that you are a fucking queen and he's a disrespectful little prick.

100% leave the cheating twat yes.

Don't message her no, what for? It's not her who has done anything wrong.

Why are people so keen to leave for every little thing? What happened to sitting down and having a proper conversation in an attempt to work things out? Marriages/partnerships take work, everyone makes mistakes and forgiveness is an important virtue.
Maybe the OP won't be able to sort this out but, for everyone's sake, it's surely worth a try.

I don't know, my head is a bit all over the place. Maybe to see if there are any more messages that he might've deleted.
The first time he messaged her from what I can see is last summer. He messages at 1am and starts saying how good it was, how sexy she was etc. then in the morning he says he was as drunk. He's messaged her several other times about the same thing. During the day he seems to have messaged her normally eg talking about kids etc or work, but then the messages change when he's either had a drink or it's been late at night.
I know who she is but I don't really know her. She's not said in any messages back yes it was great, she just says oh I was embarrassing and wild back then etc.

We have been fine but this past 6 months or so he's been really snappy with me, not coming up to bed.. just not being himself.

Before you talk to him:

• Do a screen grab of those messages. He'll likely try and gaslight you otherwise
• Work out what your financial position would be if you decided to split (eg: benefits, increased hours at work, childminding costs, equity due to you if/when you sold your home etc)
• Decide what you want to say to him before you talk to him and what you want from him from this point on
• confide in someone you trust to get some emotional support.

Good luck 🌹

This. 100%. No wonder there are so many single parents on here.

Don't message her! I had this from a guy I used to see casually well over a decade ago who I thought I was on a friendly acquaintance level with on social media. It was just gross.
I'm in a happy relationship and not willing to risk it over his insecurities. He told me he wasn't happy but that's not my concern the only contact we have has in the last 10+ years was the odd ost like and congratulations on our respective large life events through comments.
Id have been really pissed off if his Mrs had then brought their drama to me too when I'd made it very clear I was not willing to talk about it with him.

As for you leaving him. You can leave a relationship for absolutely any reason at any time. If this makes you want to leave him and you've had a long logical think about it and aren't just acting in the heat of the moment then you should.

Look at the financial situation and prepare to leave, he doesn’t even like let alone love you anymore. Apologies for the bluntness but it’s true. DO NOT let him know you plan this.