Who's wrong here?

[Autienotnaughtie]

So I have a sister who's five years younger than me. I have married have kids and live in same village I grew up in. She moved to the opposite end of the country ten years ago, she is not married and has no children. We are not that close although I see her when she visits.

We have an uncle who neither of met growing up as he was estranged from the family. He became ill in later life and our mum reached out and took on the role of supporting him as he has no family of his own. Mum then got seriously ill herself and was unable to help him. For a couple of years I visited him 2-3 times a week did his food shop, managed carers, got him anything he needed (paid out of his money) and arranged hospital appointments. I also supported him during end of life and cleared his flat out. This was whilst I had a young baby with significant health needs and I was also supporting my parents too with my mums ill health. I gave up work when dd was 18m to do all of this.

After he died there was a small sum of money left to mum (about 13k. ) At some point near to him dying she mentioned she intended to give it to me as I deserved it for caring for him. I said it was up to her it would be her money.

She later said (after uncles death) she would give me 10k and sister 3k . I was surprised as sister had only met uncle once as an adult and had no relationship with him. I said to mum 'but dsis didn't know him? ' But I then immediately checked myself and ended the conversation saying it was lovely of mum to think of dsis too. As ultimately it's mums money to do with as she wants and just because she had said it would be mine doesn't mean I was entitled to it.

So she gave me 10k and dsis 3k. I felt like this was fair as I had supported uncle for several years and had developed a close relationship with him. But I also thought it was nice for dsis to be acknowledged too.

Dsis is angry as she feels the money should be split equally. As it's now mums money not uncles. I don't intend to share it as I have a child who will most likely need lifelong support so I'm trying to save for his future.

But out of curiosity Who's right?

No one is right and no one is wrong.

It's all opinions and points of view.

@Autienotnaughtie , oh my! U are most definitely right. U looked after him when he needed love and care. U are a good person and, even though u didn't do it for the money, I'm sure it's what Ur uncle would have wanted too.🤗🤗🤗

You are in the right. You looked after him for years while your sister didn’t help at all. And even if you hadn’t, your mum can give money to whoever she wants and she doesn’t have to justify it to your sister.

I think 10k / 3k was a good fair split of the money, recognising your contribution but remembering your sister too.

Your mum is, her choice as the money went to her.

Your mum is right. She would have been right no matter what she did with the money (unless perhaps she knew that your uncle intended to split it up in some other way and didn't have a chance to do so before he died, but it doesn't sound like that's the case).

Well it's fair that you have the most but, more importantly, it is your mum's money now and it's her decision what she does with it, so you are right. I expect you uncle would have been happy for you to get the bulk of it. Wonder if your sister would be so keen to split it if she had been given the larger amount?

He definitely wanted my mum to have it as he really appreciated everything she did for him going against rest of family to support him.

So then it was your mums and she was free to do as she pleases. I think you were a bit out of order to question why she would want to give something to her other child.

I don't think there is a right or wrong here. It's your mum's money now so she can do what she wants .

You perceive it as unfair as you see is as being attached to your uncle and you did more for him than your sister, and also it seems from what you posted that you see it as compensation for what you did for him.

Your sister sees it as unfair as it's a sum of money being split unfairly between siblings, she does not associate it with your uncle.

I can see both sides although I don't like the notion of it being compensation if I'm honest. But at this point I just feel sorry for your mum because she did what she thought was fair, perhaps she would have been better off keeping the money and avoiding the squabbling.

In fairness your uncle should have given you some money directly. This would have avoided this.
Nobody is right or wrong.
I do think 10:3 is a fair split for what it’s worth.

Your sister is being unreasonable, she's acknowledged it's mums money, which it is then arguing that she can't do what she wants with it.

@Picklestop it was a first response and i was surprised as previously (only a month or so before) she had said she was giving it to me. But I agree and I corrected it and reassured her it was the right thing to do. She's wonderful and I would not want her to feel bad.

I think the split was fair under the circumstances. The big mistake was divulging how much money there was in the first place. If I was your mother I’d have given the money to the other daughter saying that this was her share of what she wanted to give and not mention how much was left.

I'm not squabbling although arguably I am in the better position. I've not spoken to mum about it at all. Dsis told her she was annoyed at the time but I don't think she's spoken to mum about it since. She does keep bringing it up with me tho.

Next time she brings it up just say mum made her decision and we need to respect that. Repeat it every time.

Your sister is right in the sense that it’s now your mother’s money and not your uncle’s - but this would only have been an issue had your mother died intestate. As it is, she’s chosen to give you both a sum now, and has made her own decision about the split. The “It’s mom’s money now” argument works both ways. She’s perfectly entitled to decide you deserve it.

I'd ignore any more comments from DS. It's your money now. Your mum gave you what she thinks was right so it's done.

If I was your DS I would have been happy with the 3k!!

How long ago was it?

The cheek of her! You deserved at least £12k and her maybe a token £1k.
Just refuse to discuss it with the greedy madam.

Why is it relevant that your sister is single and childless?

Your Mum has followed your Uncle's intent and wishes, while still acknowledging that your sister was also his family. It's very generous of your Mum and I think that you should both be gracious and grateful about it.

Who is ‘right’ is the wrong question to ask. Is it legal, is it moral, is it fair ….? Well it’s certainly your Mother’s right to do as she pleases with the money, and what pleases her is to share it with her daughters. She could have kept it or spent it on things or given it to someone/something else. Was it moral? Your mother has shared her wealth with her daughters, that’s commendable providing she hasn’t deprived herself of something she needed to improve the quality of her own life, and she has distributed it where need is greatest, because of the needs of her grandchild, so yes I think she has acted wisely. The other dimension is about who ‘deserves it’? You helped your parents and your uncle out of love and respect, not because you were hoping for a windfall. So don’t get dragged into the pettiness of trying to justify your support as a loving daughter and niece. You did the right thing and you have set a good example to others. Your Mum however is entitled to say ‘thankyou darling for being there and helping and now I can help you’. Your sister needs to ask herself ‘is this fair’ and if she tries very hard and stops being so selfish, she may conclude that it is.

Only really to explain I have 3 kids . One with significant Sen. But I have a husband too supporting me financially. Dsis doesn't have the expense of children but equally she lives on one wage.

@K0OLA1D a few months ago