Who's wrong here?

[Autienotnaughtie]

So I have a sister who's five years younger than me. I have married have kids and live in same village I grew up in. She moved to the opposite end of the country ten years ago, she is not married and has no children. We are not that close although I see her when she visits.

We have an uncle who neither of met growing up as he was estranged from the family. He became ill in later life and our mum reached out and took on the role of supporting him as he has no family of his own. Mum then got seriously ill herself and was unable to help him. For a couple of years I visited him 2-3 times a week did his food shop, managed carers, got him anything he needed (paid out of his money) and arranged hospital appointments. I also supported him during end of life and cleared his flat out. This was whilst I had a young baby with significant health needs and I was also supporting my parents too with my mums ill health. I gave up work when dd was 18m to do all of this.

After he died there was a small sum of money left to mum (about 13k. ) At some point near to him dying she mentioned she intended to give it to me as I deserved it for caring for him. I said it was up to her it would be her money.

She later said (after uncles death) she would give me 10k and sister 3k . I was surprised as sister had only met uncle once as an adult and had no relationship with him. I said to mum 'but dsis didn't know him? ' But I then immediately checked myself and ended the conversation saying it was lovely of mum to think of dsis too. As ultimately it's mums money to do with as she wants and just because she had said it would be mine doesn't mean I was entitled to it.

So she gave me 10k and dsis 3k. I felt like this was fair as I had supported uncle for several years and had developed a close relationship with him. But I also thought it was nice for dsis to be acknowledged too.

Dsis is angry as she feels the money should be split equally. As it's now mums money not uncles. I don't intend to share it as I have a child who will most likely need lifelong support so I'm trying to save for his future.

But out of curiosity Who's right?

It’s your mums money to do with as she wishes. There’s no other way to look at it. She can distribute it however she wants to & it’s nobody else’s business. Your sister needs to get over herself in my opinion!!

You deserve every penny for being kind to your uncle. Maybe ds would have helped if she was local, but did she ever phone him / ask how he was / take a day off to visit / help you clear his house? No. Enjoy the money.

It was your mums wishes that she decided based on your level of care for your uncle and she felt it was fair to recompense you. That makes you in the right by default. Your sister was fortunate that she managed to ultimately benefit from a man who she never knew or cared for. Tell your sister it wasn’t your decision and you won’t go against your mother’s wishes. It’s that simple for me really. Your sister is grabby, selfish and entitled.

Keep it, you deserve it, 10k wouldn’t even cover payment if he had to pay someone to do the work you did, your sister shouldn’t have got anything but I suppose your mother was just trying to keep the peace, don’t entertain any more conversations about it with your sister, end of story

It's legally your mothers money and it's solely up to her how much she leaves to anyone.

Do not engage in any talk about it. She can go and beg to your mother.

It's up to your mum what she does with her money and I think she was right to distribute it as she did. When my nana died she left a similar amount and it was divided equally between her 4dc even though she had lived with one of them who cared for her etc for about 5 years before her death. The one she saw every blue moon actually made an objection as she thought my nana would have had more assets but didn't proceed
Anyway my mother split her £3k equally between me and my brother. My brother hadn't visited nana for years whereas I visited regularly and helped look after her when she stayed at my mother's. He is also single and childless whereas I was married with 4dc. I didn't think to query it in anyway.
Generally equality is preferable but you did go above and beyond and dsis had no relationship with your uncle.

You’re right.

If I was your parent I’d have split tnat equally. Your uncle could have left it to you if he chose. He elected not to. As such it was your mother’s and it’s never ok to favour one child. Your mother should not habe done this.

Let your sister pout about it if she wants. I wouldn't give her any more. Your mum decided to split his money as she saw fit.

You both sound a bit entitled tbh. It’s your mums money and she gets to do what she wants with it. Your uncle gave it to HER. If I thought my own kids would feel like that, I’d have spent it on myself, or donated it to a cats home (and I hate cats).
If you helped your uncle out, in the hope you’d profit financially from it, then shame on you. If you didn’t, then you would have been happy that your mum acknowledged your sister.

I'm not sure what posts you have been reading @BillyNotQuiteNoMates but it doesn't seem to be this OPs. OP didn't ask her mum for the money, her mum decided to pass it on her daughters - she can do whatever she wants with her own money. OP thinks it's fair considering that she supported him for several years and the sister barely knew him. The sister is complaining to the OP wanting a bigger split, but not to her mother.

If you helped your uncle out, in the hope you’d profit financially from it, then shame on you.

That's quite a leap. OP gives no indication of that and he was obviously a man of modest means - he left 13K not 13M. I'm sure she helped him out because he was a relative in need and was taking on her mother's role. If she spent 2-3 years hoping to get her hands on a few thousand pounds, she cocked up because he didn't leave her anything!

Definitely a tough one, but I think it was a fair split.

Does you Dsis know you initially thought it was unfair that she got a split, but realised that your DM was trying to be fair, but giving her some unexpected money, but giving you more, because of the love and care you gave your uncle, in his time of need? Maybe frame it that way, to get your sister to see your POV too.

No not at all. It was my knee jerk response which I instantly corrected so by the end of the conversation mum knew I was on the same page

Not at all I'd looked after him for a couple of years before mum mentioned it to me (by which point he was nearing end of life) until then mum and uncle were clear mum was getting the money.
I was fine with that

Then I don’t really see what your problem is. You have your money and your sister has a little bit.