DD sudden break up

[pinotgeo]

I'll admit I'm shamelessly posting for traffic but I'm concerned!

DD is 23, she's been in a relationship for 2 years, with a man from Australia. They were living and working abroad for the last 12 months. They've been back in the UK not two weeks, in an air b and b until they find a flat, she started her new job on Monday (same company different location) he was on a job hunt.
Last night out of nowhere he told her he had booked a flight to Australia, he wouldn't be coming back and he didn't want her to go with him. They spent the night together. She pleaded for him not to go but he left around 7am, feeling a little lost, on no sleep she just went to work, didn't want to make a bad impression on her colleagues in her first week.
She's stayed in London tonight as she has to work tomorrow but she is distraught isn't sleeping. He has left her unblocked but has asked her not to contact him, he's told her it's not her he just doesn't love her anymore and doesn't want to live in the UK.
I've booked her a train ticket for tomorrow after work, so she can come home for the weekend. She has been on the phone all night crying and I fear the next few weeks are going to be so difficult. She does have friends in London but hasn't seen them in a while! I have no idea how to help her, her last break up, was her breaking up with him and she was emotional but not like this. She is confused as just days earlier they were looking at flats and planing a future together.

AIBU to feel lost on how to help DD and be seeking any advice? She's our only child and I've only ever been with DH so no first hand experience!

@pinotgeo awe! God luv her! And God l luv you, it's awful watching them when they're hearts are broke like that! All I can do is listen to her, give her lots of love tell her he's a pig! My mammy always said men come running back ,only thing is, she won't want him by then. 🤗🤗🤗

Just be a kind and listening ear. Don’t slag him off, just be supportive.
IMO he had stuff going on that he didn’t tell her about. She may well have dodged a bullet.
And he’s a shit

Neither you nor her have ever been dumped before, but it does happen to most of us at some point! I remember feeling heartbroken when my boyfriend finished with me at the same age. Just be there for her OP, with sympathy and chocolate and a listening ear. Encourage her to re connect with her friends. She'll be fine in a few weeks.

She has had a lucky escape and actually its good that he has done this now and not waited until they were tied down in a shared flat lease etc. it happens and it hurts bit she will get over it. Ultimately he is not the one for her and as my daddy always said “if its Right for you it wont pass you by”

@Teasie123

But they don't always come running back. In fact most (not all) men only go when they have found something they perceive as better.

It's bad advice as this will stop her from being able to move on.

Its best he has gone now rather than when they had set up a life here. I know someone who did similar after he had 2 kids.

There isn't much you can do, other than what you are doing. Bring her home, sound time with her. Comfort her. At some point practicalities need looking at. Like can she afford somewhere on her own, what her next steps are etc. But for now, just follow her lead and be there for her.

Stop. I most certainly did not mean that she should want him to come back. What I meant was that if he does, and he could well do, that she ll be strong enough in herself to make a decision. I was trying to make her feel better.🙄🙄🙄

I don't see what he's done wrong. Better to end things sooner than later if you no longer love someone.

Its probably the best timing. At her age she will make friends at her new job anf can look for a house share with people her age. Better now than after theyd signed a year long lease. Londons a great distraction

I’ve got to be honest, I’m with aband on this. Telling her men come running back is not going to help. It’s only going to make her feel better because she is going to believe that he will come.

“What’s good for you won’t pass you by” is a much better piece of advice at this point.

OP I would also be wary of the fact that you and her dad have been together I assume since you were very young. This is very common in my family and it’s put a lot of pressure on the girls in my generation (unintentionally I might add!) because we grew up thinking that you marry the first boyfriend you have/you meet your husband age 19.

@STARCATCHER22 🙄🙄🙄

She’s going through a break up, as most people do at sometime. And there is nothing that you can do or say that will help. Only the passage of time is going to help her. Until then encourage her to keep busy, make plans, see her family and friends.

Please don’t tell her he will come running back as one poster has said. They generally don’t and it certainly sounds like he won’t.

All you can do is listen to her, be her shoulder to cry on
and support her.
She needs time to grieve the relationship she had and the future she thought she was going to have with him.
Soon she will realise that it’s for the best, she has a fresh, clean start and isn’t tied into a flat with him.

This is brand new to both of you. It’s going to take her a little bit of time so allow her to wallow for a bit and then encourage her to meet up with friends again and have some fun. She’s so young and has the world ahead of her. Heartbreak is awful but sometimes it really makes you the person you need to be and can change your life for the better- it’s just hard to see it that way in the beginning.

I wouldn’t encourage her to talk to him, he’s asked for space so she needs to respect it. I also wouldn’t suggest he will come back or regret it as we don’t know if he will and you don’t wan to give her false hope.

I don't think it does any harm in the very early stages to think the person might come running back if that's what it takes to get through the day. I wouldn't necessarily encourage it, but nor would i argue with her and 'make her face facts' either. Not a few days in. The initial pain can be quite excruciating and sometimes (short term) false hope is better than debilitating hopelessness. Obviously if the hope of reconciliation becomes a barrier to moving on, its a problem, but typically a natural pattern of grief/anger/recovery will happen regardless; and pp mum is quite right in that she will no doubt reach a point where she no longer wants him back anyway, whatever has sustained her in the early days.

Can she stay with you and travel to work every day?
She needs to look up her old friends, they'll likely be supportive and want to help.
Good luck and all the best.

What a shit! It’s painful now but in time she’ll see that a man who could do that out of the blue isn’t worth her time.

She needs to block him - by leaving her unblocked but saying not to contact him he’s controlling her behaviour so he doesn’t have to feel bad but leaves the door open for him to keep coming in and out of her life when it suits him.

It’s brutal but the only way she’ll heal is for him to be out of her life - otherwise she’ll become obsessed with checking her phone and feeling worse when he doesn’t call or text and on a day she’s feeling better a text from him could set her back. I got one 2 weeks after a bad breakup to let me know he had found the love of his life who was on a ‘different spiritual and emotional level’ to me and he understood what love was now and to confirm he had never loved me so I shouldn’t feel bad because our relationship was never real! These men are capable if anything and she needs to protect herself.

This is the worst feeling - it’s like a death but because no one has actually died, you’re expected to just get on with life. I would say sod what the colleagues think for now and take a couple of days sick leave - she won’t impress them if she’s falling to pieces. She needs a couple of days to regroup.

After that it’s one day at a time. One hour if needed. It does get better.

Don't tell her men always come running back op cause most of the time they don't.

Just be supportive and reassure that she won't feel like this forever, it does get better

I am going against the grain here, but I sympathise with him a little bit.

Your DD's ex was probably massively overwhelmed by suddenly going from a fairly carefree life to what may have felt like settling down away from all of his family. Perhaps he realised that the lifestyle they would have in London - tiny, expensive flat with crappy English weather, him having to work in a dead end jobs he didn't really like because he hasn't got the right visa - was just too much. Perhaps she was suddenly talking about marriage and babies which he might have agreed to in a lighthearted way, but suddenly it was all becoming too real and he panicked. Perhaps the relationship was already rocky and he didn't see a long term future in it.

I have a DS of similar age who was abroad for 3 years in a long term relationship but he came back to the UK for similar reasons. He was working in low paid manual jobs which were OK, but he wanted to start building a long term career which he couldn't do abroad.

I agree, it was shitty of your DD's ex to up and leave overnight, but it in some ways it was better than them getting tied down and both of them being unhappy.

Not sure why everyone has hopped on the “don’t tell her he’s going to come back” wagon.
Whilst it’s probably true I thought the poster of this comment left a really nice friendly message (which most of mumsnet lack capability of) and sometimes it’s nice and strengthening to believe that the person who left you heartbroken will regret their actions and you’ll have moved on when they realise it. A “what an idiot, he’s made such a mistake” thing.
Speaking from experience.

Maybe for the best in the long run .He sounds rather selfish ,but maybe he couldnt see a future here a long way from home /family.Best now than when they are older with DC.I often think emigrating is down played its a huge step.Comfort DD as much as you can and be there for her

I agree with others that it’s better he has done this now than years down the line when they are fully committed.

I think what he’s done is ultimately for the best - my ex did similar and told me he didn’t love me anymore and whilst at the time I was heartbroken, I’ve realised it was for the best as I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t love me! And your daughter will realise the same.

It’s cliche but time is the best healer for a broken heart. She will be ok ❤️ just try not to slag him off too much as that might upset her - just be there for her, listen. Make sure she eats and sleeps and gets some fresh air! (I know that sounds silly but it’s so important)

I had a terrible breakup after a 10 year relationship when I was 28. I believed he’d come running back due to that unhelpful trope, and waited and hoped for 5 years, unsure of what I was going to do when he appeared at the door. Would I slam it in his face? Would I take him back? Would we have one last night together and part ways on good terms?

obviously he never came running back, and has been Living in Australia with the woman he cheated on me with since 2009 (a year after he left me).

This wasn't quite their circumstances.

They were working in Paris, in finance. DD makes circa 60k a year, he would have been on similar, maybe less. He had lived in London before, is a year older and was the main reason they moved back (he lost his job in Paris, was struggling to find a new job due to his French not being great). DD was in a lucky position where she works for an international company and was able to move back to London quite easily.
Sure they wouldn't have been living in Buckingham Palace but it wouldn't have been awful and it's hardly dead end jobs.

He could have been better about, 2 years together, what would have been waiting 2 more days so she didn't have work the next morning? Why so sudden? He told her at 10pm and left not 12 hours later. No closure, no real reason why.
I don't think he deserves any sympathy at all!

You’ve never been dumped OP!

I’ve been both dumper and dumpee on a roughly equal number of occasions. She’ll be in shock, and grief for what might have been, her sense of self worth will be hurting, she’ll be asking why did he say he would then didn’t, what was that all about, what’s not good enough about me? I can honestly say -NOTHING. It’ll have more to do with whatever motivates him than what’s ‘wrong’ with her.

We can deduce he didn’t fancy living here, the exciting travel part was over. It probably all got a bit real, and IME when you dump someone it’s surprisingly seldom to do with there being anything amiss with the person themselves (all my dumped boyfriends were very nice men who have gone on to meet women who I would say are objectively ‘better’ than me, by which I mean, more attractive, fitter, stellar careers). Strangely, the ones who dumped me, not so much. In fact I’d go so far as to say they’d have been better off with marvellous me but obviously that wasn’t how they felt at all so hey ho! Also, on two occasions which really broke my heart, I had to confess (much later) they were probably right, and it wouldn’t have gone the distance.

That might be my (bitter and deluded) perception, of course, but it’s a POV it may help to share with your daughter.

Relationships are mysterious, people don’t have a P/L account of attributes and faults running in their head and our decisions about who to be with are usually based primarily on feelings, which we all know we can’t really control. I have known at least one excellent man that just didn’t do it for me. On paper it should have been a match made in heaven and I see how his life is now and think argh why couldn’t I just have wanted him 😂

On that note, also totally possible that some people don’t know a good thing when they’ve got it, so she REALLY shouldn’t draw any negative conclusions about herself. He did her a solid by bailing when he did, she wouldn’t want to be stuck in a lease - and a life - with someone who didn’t want to be there with every atom of his being.

Just listen to her vent and offer lots of chocolate and ice cream. I went through the same when I was 23, my boyfriend of 2.5 years (who I rented a flat with and had a cat with!) texted me while I was at work to say he didn’t want to be together anymore and blocked me on everything. At the time and at that age, it felt like the end of the world. I ended up getting involved in quite a toxic rebound relationship which I don’t recommend so advise her to focus on herself for a while!! But now, I have a lovely partner, a daughter and another on the way. Reassure that it will all work out in the end and he was just not the person meant for her.