Not clicking with school mums

[Anxietyaaa]

My daughter started a new school in September 2022. I feel it’s so difficult trying to click with the mums, I have really tried! She was 7 when she started and now is nearly 9. I made so much effort having play dates, coffee dates, whole class parties etc. but I find it so hard. I feel they dislike me. It’s like a “group mentality thing”(not sure what other words to use!) I’ve noticed in a group they really off with me and quite dismissive but one to one they seem okay. They really confuse me, I feel we’re getting on but then when I see them in school they avoid me!

whatsapp group is really annoying as no one ever responds to anything I write (I very rarely do write on there, so it’s not a daily occurrence), but I’ve noticed anyone else gets a huge amount of responses even if it’s a silly question such as “is it PE tomorrow”, it’s PE every bloody Friday! But they get responses straight away.

I feel so bad everytime I interact with them. My sons class is not like that which makes me think it’s not me it’s them but I just don’t get it.

Probably is them OP- I honestly would interact for the sake of your child and that’s it. Primary school relationships really aren’t that important. Come secondary the parents have next to no involvement and the kids figure it out for themselves.
Fake the smile and don’t expect much.

I honestly hated the primary cliques! I couldn’t stand making small talk in the playground, there was so much one up man ship.
I wouldn’t worry at all - I’m glad I’m over that stage, secondary is way less intense

Why do you need to click with them?

Just keep being yourself and see what happens...you can't be friends with everyone you meet and that's OK.

Sure I chatted sometimes but why the need to push it, you are all there as there are children at the same school there is no requirement to do anything it is not mandatory you are all just random parents at the same place

The reason I need to click with them is because my daughter is left out. I know they have get togethers and parties but she is very rarely invited and there’s one mum who rubs it in e.g. “ did you enjoy X party last week?” To my DD and she looks confused then I explain we didn’t know and it gets awkward. My daughter is becoming a little lonely. It’s a mall village school so not many girls as it is.

No need to be involved, these people just exist in the same space as you twice per day. I don’t talk to anyone, not in any whatsapp groups, much nicer.

I just feel my daughter would have a nicer childhood if I got friendly with the mums and my daughter could be a part of the group but whereas now she’s all alone at playtimes and holidays.

Just give up on them and make your friends elsewhere. Your dd is old enough to have play dates unaccompanied or you can still invite her friend round. Time school pick ups so you aren't hanging around too long.

Does it have to be with school kids? Could she do other activities and make friends there? And the parents might be less up themselves, too!

Also agree with timing pickups so you're there for a very short time, I used to do that too.

Well that's just plain nasty..I don't think it's a good idea to try to click with someone like that. That needs calling out/confronting.

Once DD is out of earshot I'd be saying something like "I'm sure you are aware we weren't invited...there is no need to point it out so that my DD feels left out"

Are you at my village school?? Ha ha! Sounds really familiar with the Queen Bees controlling the social landscape. It's horrible when it is your child left out through no fault of their own.

It all changes in secondary when the children control their own social lives. You don't even see another parent! (Or teacher)

@enchantedsquirrelwood @Ratfan24 how should I time pickups? I get there early so I can find a parking spot (too far for me to walk),

Wait in the car and just zoom out in time to pick her up. If its safe she might even be able to walk up to the car and meet you there.

@Ratfan24 thank you, I’ll try that tomorrow!

Also agree with getting her involved in some clubs or activities so she can socialise there and maybe meet other children.

I’d stop trying if I were you. It’s obviously not working, for whatever reason, so you’ve got nothing to lose by not trying to make an effort. Let’s be honest, these are simply people who had sex in the same year you did. Who’s to say you’d even want to be friends with them if you got to know them? They could be a right bunch of dickheads.

Enrol your daughter in some outside groups, like Brownies or Sea Cadets, and watch it all change when it’s time to go to secondary school.

Don't try to make yourself fit where you don't. It's ok not to be everyone's cup of tea- in a sense!

If your daughter is left out, help her to become resilient. She doesn't need to be around people who aren't for her and not her kind of people. She will find her own people...

Crap friendships are forced and stressful!
Good friendships are welcoming and natural

I really feel for you. My daughter’s year was the same, unfortunately as she was my first I spent three years feeling like crap. The mums in my son’s year are lovely. It’s hard. I would keep out of any groups and the whatsapp and just try and build some 1:1 friendships.

Thank you all. It is a really horrible feeling everytime I see them. I need to keep remembering it’s not personal but it feels so bloody personal!

my daughter is turning 9 soon and I don’t know what to do for her birthday - a) have a class party and try to rise above it b) only invite a handful of people she likes and tell the mums is drop and go so I don’t feel awkward? To tell you the truth I actually don’t want to be friends with people who are so unwelcoming and cliquey. They know we’re new to the school and no empathy was shown to include us

it was awful last year, I invited whole class and the mums sat around chatting and I couldn’t get a word in and they made me feel uncomfortable!

Do you really want to spend money, time and effort hosting parents who make you feel uncomfortable at your own event and won’t return the invite to your daughter? Sod that for a game of soldiers!

Teach her not to chase after the friendship of people who don’t give a shit about her and just invite the children she actually likes.

@Nagado some of the girls she likes are the ones with the nasty mums. Should I invite them but phrase it as it’s a drop and go? How can I put it nicely?

Ask your daughter which children she likes, and invite a smaller group (maybe 5) to an activity she really enjoys. This is usual for that age and in my experience it strengthens friendships. If you don't enjoy the parents' company you can say it is drop off only - as someone already said, if you are wasting your time being nice, stop being nice.

Aren't there any mums who hang around alone? I used to talk to them instead trying to join a group (I often don't feel confident in a group anyway). Met some lovely people that way and still have 2 good friends from there 15 years later

I'm so sorry OP. This must be hard.

Have you tried talking to the teacher about your child being alone? Maybe they can encourage some friendships.

I'd honestly stay away from playground mums/parents. Toxic.

I must be a very odd person to many people.
Because i never got involved with school mums i drop my child off pick my child up.
I never felt the need to have school mum friends id speak if they spoke but i stood on my own they knew nothing about me but I knew plenty about them.
I never done play dates either.
I just didnt get it with this whole school gate mums.
I made friends elsewhere where.
My child went to school to make friends not me and tbh i wouldnt want to be their friends.
So pleased those days are over i dont know what its like now.