Not clicking with school mums

[Anxietyaaa]

My daughter started a new school in September 2022. I feel it’s so difficult trying to click with the mums, I have really tried! She was 7 when she started and now is nearly 9. I made so much effort having play dates, coffee dates, whole class parties etc. but I find it so hard. I feel they dislike me. It’s like a “group mentality thing”(not sure what other words to use!) I’ve noticed in a group they really off with me and quite dismissive but one to one they seem okay. They really confuse me, I feel we’re getting on but then when I see them in school they avoid me!

whatsapp group is really annoying as no one ever responds to anything I write (I very rarely do write on there, so it’s not a daily occurrence), but I’ve noticed anyone else gets a huge amount of responses even if it’s a silly question such as “is it PE tomorrow”, it’s PE every bloody Friday! But they get responses straight away.

I feel so bad everytime I interact with them. My sons class is not like that which makes me think it’s not me it’s them but I just don’t get it.

Playtimes and holidays are two different issues and I wonder if you are going about this a bit backwards OP.

If your DD is being left out at playtimes during the school day, suggest you raise this with the teacher so that they can help make sure the others include her. Then the playdates and holiday invites would follow more naturally from the friendships that she makes in school.

I'm less convinced that you befriending the school mums will help your DD form friendships in school if those friendships don't exist already.

I don’t know why it matters? I’ve never understood why people are so obsessed by being friends with people at the gates. Why does it matter? Do you not have other friends? Do you really care?

I would stay out of it OP. It's the same at our village school. Families go on holidays together. Frankly I could think of nothing worse and the kids aren't that close in school.

The downside to small village one form entry schools is that by Yr 5 and 6 the kids are sick of the sight of each other and the friendship dynamics really change. It can be quite brutal and it gives those outside the main cliques an opportunity to integrate at a much better time before secondary.

In terms of parties, it's the thing here now to have one or two friends for a special outing - theatre show and dinner, museum, bowling and food for 5 rather than "all 12 girls". Providing you aren't inviting 9 or 10 and leaving 1 or 2 out, it's much better. Just ask your daughter what she wants to do.

Do you live in the village? It is towards the end of year 4 / start of year 5 in the village that I live that kids start knocking on one another's doors / playing out together on their own. Which removes parents involvement in being required to arrange play dates. If similar and your DD has friends I wouldn't worry as they will end up arranging meet up themselves.

I get this to a certain extant, but if you read the post you will see they are new to the area hence probably not having a social network....try having some empathy to people who have moved somewhere new

I assume the OP didn’t dump all of her friends when she moved?!

she’s putting too much pressure on it and maybe that is being picked up ? Care less and it will probably happen naturally!

I get that their attitude will result in DD being left out of out of school activities, which is a real shame. But not sure why this means she is alone at play time? Are you sure the issue is you being excluded and not your DD? If I thought my DD was alone at playtime I'd be having a chat with the teacher to see if any light could be shed on this. Also, is every mum of every potential friend for DD in this clique, or is it just the sparkly circle of 'in' people who pick and choose? Are there less socially prominent DC in your DDs position with whom you could encourage friendships?

Because they’re a bunch of ignorant shrews who I would not
give a lick of my snot. I can’t abide this behaviour. It’s such a bad example to their children and it carries on to the workplace. It says more about their insecurities than yours.

if the wee one is being left out during the school day then I’d make sure the school were right on it. Otherwise I agree with the great advise on hear by getting involved with clubs etc

I'm sorry you're finding this tough OP.

WRT the party, by age 8/9 where we are no one does all-class parties, usually no more than 4-10 children and definitely drop and run. I'd do a smaller thing for the children your daughter likes and be explicit it's a drop and run scenario. Separate your feelings about the mums from whether your DD wants to be friendly with their child. It may break the ice and kick start some play dates afterwards. I'd also expect play dates to be unaccompanied by this age so it doesn't matter if you don't like the parent or they don't like you as long as they're civil enough to engage with setting up the play dates. If they're not, well that's would be crap for your DD but long term you'd be better off without them.

For your DDs birthday i would ask her to chose one or two nice friends and invite them to an activity.

Send an invitation via text if you have the numbers and a paper one for DD to give to her friends at school. Word the invite so that the parents to drop off at the cinema and pick up after the pizza, or whatever.

If they're 9 then have a couple over for tea at yours perhaps? They don't need to be accompanied. Use the words drop off and pick up.

Just concentrate on facilitating your DDs friendship with whoever she wants to be mates with at the time. Forget about weather you like the parents or not.

A couple more years and she'll be in secondary and then you don't get to know the families of the friends much at all. Don't know if it's better or worse!!

Good luck x

Well I used to be able to walk so it was easier for me, but can't you just stay in your car until close to when you need to be at the school gate/in the playground. So for example if you need 2 minutes from car to school, leave 3 mins before max.