Are those 'Acts Of Service'? Or just the basics?

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DH is not particularly physically affectionate. Less so than ever, due to various stressful life events.

I feel I need it more than ever, also due to various stressful life events and Perimenopause/age/having a babies has made me feel insecure in my looks, so I think I need those small signs of affection/attraction.

By affection I don't mean physical intimacy necessarily (This is lacking though),
I mean random hugs, the odd compliment etc. Not a lot.

DH argues that he shows affection/support through acts such as walking the dog, getting things done around the house etc. Making me tea in the morning etc.
He is great around the house and a great co-parent, we absolutely share all the load.
But highlighting those things as signs that you love someone feels lazy to me.
I can see that, yes, being there, doing life with someone shows that you love them and you choose them... but it's not quite the same is it?

I understand that Acts Of Service is some peoples main love language. But do standard shared house hold tasks that serve BOTH parties/the whole household or relationship basics (like making a cuppa) really count as AOS?
Because, I do all those things too.
Aren't those just base level expectations of the human you live with and are in a relationship with?

I manage to do all those things, plus more, PLUS do lots of extra acts of service and be affectionate, and plan nice gifts and dinners etc.

I adore him, we are soul mates, but I think he may be due a bit of gentle kick up the arse? AIBU?

My DH is the same and any time I ask him for something or to change something he will say but I do/did XYZ and refers to household tasks.

Like you, I just see that as the stuff that we all have to do.

If you live in a house you need to to keep it clean enough. you need to maintain it. If you use a bathroom you need to clean the toilet. If you wear clothes you have to wash them. You have to make food to eat and so you have to then wash up and tidy up. If you own a dog it needs walking. If you have children then they need parenting.

If you do any of the above with another person then that should be shared fairly. It’s not love. It’s just the stuff that needs doing.

Acts of service are the little considerate extras we do for each other, not the core chores.

Defrosting the car for you when he’s not going in it? Act of service.
Defrosting the car while you load the DC and you both drive off? Not an act of service.

Cooking the family dinner? Core task. Cooking you a low carb version when everyone Else is having pasta? Act of service.

Bringing you a cuppa is a grey area 🤣 If he’s having one and you are next door, simple courtesy. If he isn’t having one and he brings it to you still upstairs in bed, act of service.

Ultimately though, you need to speak each other’s love language. You need to step up Acton’s of service if that’s what makes him feel loved (but you may have to point it out, DH thinks it’s just part of the service). He needs to be more physically affectionate if that’s what you need.

The whole point of Love Languages is not supposed to be so you can say "Stop bugging me, I am showing you love but in my love language!"

It's supposed to be about giving you a framework to communicate with your partner and understand both how they show but also how they perceive love. So under his own framework, you're asking him to do more Physical Affection and Words of Affirmation. Which if he's taking the Love Languages framework on board, he ought to make an effort to do.

TBH I don't like Love Languages and think the book is awful and stereotyped - it actually DOES classify all that stuff your DH is claiming as "acts of service" when they come from a man 🙄, whereas for a woman that's just a normal Tuesday and all the extra stuff is the "acts of service". But if he's going to bring love languages into it, then he at least ought to use it properly and listen to what you're saying you would like more of.

Exactly! It's frustrating isn't it!

So well put @pickledandpuzzled

To be fair, he does do some of those, like make tea for only me and bring it up etc.

But I guess after 20 years, that doesn't feel 'romantic' and more just 'automatic' if that makes sense?

I disagree. I'm not very touchy feely, less so than my other half.

I show care in the small things - bringing back a coffee, making sure the house is kept clean and tidy because if it wasn't it would cause them stress.

I think pressuring your DH into doing what you perceive to be 'acts of service' will backfire and cause resentment - if they are forced then they are not real or sincere.

Why can't you appreciate the things he does do for you, rather than criticise what he doesn't?

So I’d say there’s an element of you taking some things for granted. Take it as one who knows, you’d feel sad if he didn’t do it!

One of the things that made me like DH when we first met was him carrying the basket round Tesco for me. It’s really easy to stop seeing this stuff.

Perhaps you both need a chat about being appreciative? I cook every day- nutritious, tailored to us meals that I plan, shop for and cook. I avoid trashing the kitchen. No one says thank you, or ‘that was nice’, anymore.

I don’t think you can force someone to be affectionate. To bully them into complimenting you and being affectionate. If a man wrote this, and that is wife needed a kick up the arse he’d have his arse handed to him. And be branded a sex pest.

you need to sort your own issues around insecurity out. You cannot bully your husband into being a performing seal.

Would you say a SAHM shouldn't expect acknowledgment and appreciation for what she does at home for the family because it is "the basics"? I think any time anyone does something that benefits you, even if it benefits them too, it should be appreciated. Because you would really notice it if they stopped doing those things.

You should be able to acknowledge that your DH is showing you that he loves you with his actions, while also wanting him to show you it in a way that means something to you. i.e. affection. Keep talking. Ask for a hug when you want one instead of saying nothing, thinking he should know.

Not really if that's his share of the housework. For me it's the little extras for example, at. Iggy, after kids in bed, my husband ALWAYS asks me if he can get me something (cuppa, snack, a gin ☺️), if I have had a long day or if I say I am cold he'll make a fire for me or would run me a bath, he knows how much I dread defrosting the car, so sometimes he does that for me.

My DH and I have talked about this in counselling. I want affection, he doesn't think of it. He just doesn't want it himself. Our counsellor taught me to ask for what I need and him to try and give it. I learned to not criticise what he doesn't do but tell him what I would like. He loves me so he is trying to do some of the things I ask for.
So a kiss before bed, a hand on a knee etc.
People are different and their needs are different.

The kick up the arse comment was tongue in cheek...

I would never bully anyone or force them to do something.

I appreciate him a lot. I just find myself missing romance and feeling desired.

I would never force someone to show me that. I want them to want me.

I was just having a laugh, clearly that didn't come across to you.

Sorry if it didn't come across - I do show him appreciation. We both show each other appreciation. We acknowledge often that we are a great team and feel we have a great balance.

I was just questioning whether those shared tasks fall under 'Acts Of Service' in regards to love languages. I have realised I would like more. It sometimes feels like we're best friends (which is lovely) but nothing more.
In my early 40's, I don't feel ready to say goodbye to romance.
You're right. I need to speak up more and make it clearer.. I have done in the past. Mentioned that I would love a hug, or that I'm sad we arent more intimate. I have been holding back though as I know he has a lot on his mind.

Contributing equally to the running of a household you both live in is not an act of service. It's up there with "I did the washing up for you" or "I'll babysit the kids".

DH thinks I appreciate all the things he does in the house (a lot, to be fair) because he's doing it for me. I think he still subscribes to the view that all housework is women's work, and that him doing some chores is showing his love for me, because I don't then have to do it.

My view is that since we both live here, him doing the hoovering, taking the bins out or cleaning the toilet is not showing his love for me, it just needed doing and he is equally responsible.

@pickledandpuzzled

Thanks and you're right, maybe I am taking those things for granted after 20 years.
Though i will argue that the tea in bed is now occasional after being a regular thing which did make me sad and was a bit of a catalyst for this whole train of thought actually!

But I definitely take what you say on board.

p.s I also put a huge amount of effort into meals, good food etc. I guess I would say that is one of my AOS.. and one could argue it's also just a daily household task!

Yes. Just say to him straight what you want from him at that moment. Actually say to him "Can I get a hug". Don't do that vague thing of "I would like you to hug me more often" because if that kind of thing doesn't come naturally to him, he isn't going to know when to do it, and you're just going to feel even more disappointed for getting your hopes up. If he loves you, he will want to please you. But he's not going to suddenly become a mind reader and do these things spontaneously.

I show care in the small things - bringing back a coffee, making sure the house is kept clean and tidy because if it wasn't it would cause them stress

Doing your fair share of looking after your own house is not a favour or an act of service to anyone else. Men (quite rightly) get flamed for saying to their female partners 'I did the hoovering for you'. Surely that applies just as much to women?

The whole concept of Love Languages was concocted by a conservative American pastor, so the fact that it very easily can be used to justify some pretty regressive things - like men only doing the mere basics for their wives and classing them as "acts of service" - is hardly surprising. It has no research or evidence basis.

I remember the days with an ex when I'd stagger in through the door after work absolutely shattered, hungry, tired, stressed and see the utter chaos that was waiting for me to deal with - and not even be offered a drink if he was literally standing in front of the kettle at the time.

The last thing I wanted at that point was for him to start pawing at me for 'a cuddle'. He, naturally, complained that I wasn't affectionate enough towards him, but when I'd be up to my elbows in foetid sink water trying to find a mug and not think about the smell from the stuff he'd dumped on top of the full bin, I really wasn't in the headspace for that.

DP, however, amongst myriad other things, does drinks, cooks, listens to my moaning about work and makes sure I have a nice packed lunch every day. The sheer amount of things he does for my benefit (as he'd not eat anything like as fancy/expensive/healthy as I like, would be fine if he didn't have to hear my venting about a shitty day and doesn't have a lunch himself, so doesn't need to be making one at all) vastly outweighs the fact that I usually need to go up to him if I want a hug, as he doesn't tend towards seeking them out.

It might feel weird, but maybe he could come to see giving you a hug/etc as another positive act like bringing you a cuppa? OK, you would need to request them at least at first, but it could work without it feeling like a criticism.

I think it’s a bit unfair to write things off as “just daily tasks” because there’s lots of things that you could say are a daily task that actually someone does do for you out of love/to show they love you. For example I cook lovely meals for us for dinner, we eat them together, but that doesn’t mean it’s not an “act of service”. At the moment as I’m heavily pregnant my husband often just goes and runs me a bath, takes our dog for a walk, fills my water bottles up and puts them in the fridge for me so there’s always one there waiting for me when I need one, if I’m getting off the sofa to go for a wee (which as you can imagine, 8 months pregnant, is about every 3 minutes) he will stand up and give me a hand up from the sofa, he changes our bed sheets and organises all my pillows into place for me going up to bed so I can just climb straight in, he puts my slippers and dressing gown on the corner of the bed so I can easily slip into them in the morning, brings me a cup of tea or orange juice in the morning, brings me back a bottle of juice and some sweets from the corner shop even though when he asked I said I didn’t need anything, and so so many more…none of these things are particularly romantic and you wouldn’t read about them in a love story or see them in a rom com, but that’s how he is showing me every single day that he loves me, he’s taking care of me, they aren’t grand gestures or particularly a massive effort or special, but they mean the world to me and I wonder if maybe there are lots of little things like that which you’re maybe not seeing for what they are, or are just taking for granted as a given after so long together? I’d rather have the calm, solid and steady kind of love that we have than have the crazy, highest of highs and lowest of lows we see on films and in books! X

I think the whole idea around love languages is a bit stupid, but putting that to one side, an act of service is supposed to be doing something for someone you love. Things like defrosting the car when he’s not going to be using it, or taking the time to make you a lunch to take to work. He’s not doing the hoovering for you. It’s not your mess. It’s household mess and something you’re both responsible for. So taking away those chores, what is he doing to contribute to your relationship? If he believes in that rubbish enough to have identified his particular way of showing he loves you, what is he doing to ‘serve’ you?

I think it’s a bit unfair to write things off as “just daily tasks” because there’s lots of things that you could say are a daily task that actually someone does do for you out of love/to show they love you.

For you. That's the point. Doing the hoovering isn't 'for you'. It's just a household task. Running you a bath, arranging your pillows for you, yes.

I think there may be more to 'I did the hoovering for you' than is perhaps appreciated. It is a household task of course - but people (regardless of sex) have different standards.

There are 10 specks of dust on the floor.
You are happy when then there is 1 or less.
They are happy when there is 6 or less.
They do the hoovering when there was 3 because they wanted to do it for you.

There are 10 specks of dust on the floor.
You are happy when then there is 1 or less.
They are happy when there is 6 or less.
They do the hoovering when there was 3 because they wanted to do it for you.

Sounds like an unlikely scenario to me.