Are those 'Acts Of Service'? Or just the basics?

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DH is not particularly physically affectionate. Less so than ever, due to various stressful life events.

I feel I need it more than ever, also due to various stressful life events and Perimenopause/age/having a babies has made me feel insecure in my looks, so I think I need those small signs of affection/attraction.

By affection I don't mean physical intimacy necessarily (This is lacking though),
I mean random hugs, the odd compliment etc. Not a lot.

DH argues that he shows affection/support through acts such as walking the dog, getting things done around the house etc. Making me tea in the morning etc.
He is great around the house and a great co-parent, we absolutely share all the load.
But highlighting those things as signs that you love someone feels lazy to me.
I can see that, yes, being there, doing life with someone shows that you love them and you choose them... but it's not quite the same is it?

I understand that Acts Of Service is some peoples main love language. But do standard shared house hold tasks that serve BOTH parties/the whole household or relationship basics (like making a cuppa) really count as AOS?
Because, I do all those things too.
Aren't those just base level expectations of the human you live with and are in a relationship with?

I manage to do all those things, plus more, PLUS do lots of extra acts of service and be affectionate, and plan nice gifts and dinners etc.

I adore him, we are soul mates, but I think he may be due a bit of gentle kick up the arse? AIBU?

I think the specks of dust example is useful as a concept though and I know what that PP means.
BUT, this is not something necessarily reserved for couples. This type of caring & showing love are also done in plutonic scenarios. Out of love, respect etc.

I agree that the little thoughtful more personal things, like arranging the pillows for you or running the bath with your favourite bubble bath etc, feel more initimate.

fyi all, my DH didn't use the term 'Love Language' & doesnt even know it exists as a concept!
He just pointed out that as I had been stressed and we had a lot to do he had walked the dog, made the bolognese (for a big family lunch involving my family) etc.
Which I do appreciate! And I do see how that was an 'act of service' but throwing in the dog walk was a bit rich I thought.. cos he always walks the dog on that day!

So DH and I had this issue. He’s happy to live with dirt and chaos. He doesn’t register it. I am much happier in a clean and tidy house. This became a source of conflict, with him not doing a fair share and me getting exhausted. So we did an exercise.

We each had bits of paper with all of the domestic and household chores on (one bit of paper for each chore and we each had our own bits of paper - an identical set).

Then across the kitchen table we had timings from twice a day, right up to biannually and never. We then, independently, without discussing, put each chore in the zone that reflected how often we each felt it should be done. So that we could get to a middle ground on any where there was a disparity.

There was very little difference in where we put things. Some he felt should be done more often than me.

He hadn’t been socialised to put any effort into these things. I had. And he didn’t care if the standards he wanted weren’t met, but, enjoyed living in a clean organised house more.

What has helped is that now we have a Democratically decided set of standards and whenever the old trope he used use comes out (well I’m only doing this for you, you are the one with the high standards etc) I can remind him that the standards are OUR mutually agreed standards and he needs to do his FAIR share of it.

And now, mostly, he does. Just occasionally he will say ‘but I do all this for you’ no. You do it because it needs to be done and you agreed to these standards.

I think the Acts of Service thing is a bit of a red herring and a distraction. He does his fair share, which is great, but you want affection and he doesn't give it to you. In that situation you have three choices:
Suck it up, accept he's not affectionate and live with a lack of affection
Try to find a way to make him more affectionate
Leave

On a personal level, I HATE when I tell someone I'm upset about a particular thing and they say 'But I do this other thing!' To me, it's very dismissive as it deflects the actual point and shuts you down.

A mature, considerate response from your DH would be 'I'm sorry that it upsets you, let's think about how we can fix it,' or even 'Sorry I know it's not great but I don't think I can change.' He should at least take your concerns seriously and realise the effect it's having on you.

I am a very affectionate person and couldn't live without a lot of touch - luckily DH is also very affectionate so there's a good match. Despite how great he is I would really struggle to tolerate a lack of affection for a long time so I do think this is an important issue and not something to be glossed over.

Have you asked your DH why he's not affectionate?

He can be affectionate. He is with our DC, the dog, some elderly friends.

And he can be with me. But I think he just goes in phases and sometimes, if his mind is tied up with other things, as a PP said, it just doesn't occur to him!

I haven't asked him directly but we have had many conversations over the years in which the topic of affection, or similar, understanding etc comes up. It doesn't take a genius to understand how being sent away to boarding school in another country at age 10 could affect someone. He was left to essentially fend for himself and when he was crying and missing his mum, there was no-one to give him a hug. He had to toughen up, create a shell and get on with it, alone, quickly.
This is why I try to have a lot of patience and grace for this side of him.

To add, he is also not good at talking about emotions etc.
He got very good at burying his away.

I think this is another reason why he finds it hard to sympathise sometimes, enough to feel it's time to offer a hug. Because none was afforded to him.

I think you're maybe missing the fact that he's doing these things to respond to your needs. Cooking a big lunch for your family so you wouldn't be stressed out and could enjoy their presence is a great example. Fair enough about the dog! But what he's saying is that he regularly puts himself in your shoes and tries to either anticipate or directly respond to your needs and wants. It does sound like maybe you're not seeing that as an active effort. (But I'm acts of service so maybe I'm incredibly biased 🙈).