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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not be a bridesmaid?

28 replies

FeelingConflicted · 28/02/2024 23:24

Even though I’ve changed my username this is still majorly outing me. Hoping no one I know is on here 😬

I’m happy to accept if I’m wrong here.

I don’t have a great relationship with my family, I spent most my childhood growing up with my grandparents. Younger sister with my parents.

Majority of the time the relationship is strained due to different beliefs (I’m a sinner according to them & they wish I was different). I keep it cordial and always back down/apologise so they can have a good relationship with my DC who are treated well by them.

My sister is getting married, I begged to be a bridesmaid and was refused for about 8 months, then told I could be on the condition I change my appearance (I’ve different colour hair, have tattoos, wear make up). This was a few weeks ago.
I have always looked “different” it’s just my look & DS gets bullied about something, I tell him to never change for someone so I’d be a hypocrite to do so for 1 day? Or stubborn?

All the other bridesmaids who were asked 8 months ago & have their dresses, gone and done various wedding party things. I’ve not even seen the bridesmaid dress and been told I’ll need to lose several stone to fit in mine, it’s only 7 weeks away.

I’m torn. I’m glad to finally be asked but then feel I didn’t respect myself to have had to beg to be one & also change my whole self, in the first place.
If I was a guest I can be “me”. I know she’d prefer me not to be and it’s even been admitted that I’m only now asked so it “doesn’t look bad on the family”.

I don’t want to upset her and sound selfish if I now say I’d rather not be one.
I’d look stupid after begging too, it came from a place of hurt that I wasn’t asked but distant cousins were.

Shall I just go along with it as it’s just one day? I know I’ll be unhappy. In hindsight I don’t even know why I begged 😔

OP posts:

LittleOwl153 · 28/02/2024 23:30

If you have to loose several stone to get in a dress you haven't even seen in 7 weeks time... you're not actually going to be a bridesmaid are you? They are setting you up to look ridiculous whatever happens.

I'd bow out now with dignity. I'd actually be tempted not to show up at all....

And don't think they are doing well by your kids... they might hold the pretense until one of them takes after you and becomes a bit quirky...

Lazypeopledrivemecrazy · 28/02/2024 23:31

Quite honestly OP, I'd bow out now, and have nothing further to do with them! What horrible people! Also, why would you want your children to have a relationship with people that have treated you badly for what sounds like your entire life. Continue being proud of who you are, and don't EVER bend over backwards to accommodate crap like this. So they don't like the way you look? So what, fuck 'em, would be my response! Expecting you to lose several stone in a short time, just to fit in a dress that it's highly likely you won't feel comfortable in, and then being made to feel awkward because you literally had to beg to be there. No way! Summon up that pride of yours and walk away. No one needs shit like this in their life.

LenaLamont · 28/02/2024 23:32

Sod that for a game of soldiers!

You are fine as you are. Don’t cosplay as someone else just to be a bridesmaid they only tolerate when you’re in Stepford Daughter mode.

justjuggling · 28/02/2024 23:33

keep your dignity, decline the offer to be a bridesmaid and embrace who you are and how you want to look.

Original poster

FeelingConflicted · 28/02/2024 23:35

Thank you, I honestly thought IABU.
I tried to have a convo and it just blew up so thought I’d post here.

It’s a bit messy with the DC situation, only 1 sees them mainly. I’m unwell a lot so in hospital quite often and I don’t have anyone really. Those that backed me have all died within the last few years 😔 I need to work on getting a support system.

OP posts:

NewName24 · 28/02/2024 23:38

I don’t have a great relationship with my family, I spent most my childhood growing up with my grandparents. Younger sister with my parents.

Majority of the time the relationship is strained due to different beliefs (I’m a sinner according to them & they wish I was different).

I don't get why you would ask, let alone spend months "begging" to be a bridesmaid to someone you have a fairly cool and distant relationship with. Well, to anyone.

I mean, clearly no-one is going to lose that much weight in a year, let alone 7 weeks, so this is all a bit irrelevant anyway.

Original poster

FeelingConflicted · 28/02/2024 23:40

NewName24 · 28/02/2024 23:38

I don’t have a great relationship with my family, I spent most my childhood growing up with my grandparents. Younger sister with my parents.

Majority of the time the relationship is strained due to different beliefs (I’m a sinner according to them & they wish I was different).

I don't get why you would ask, let alone spend months "begging" to be a bridesmaid to someone you have a fairly cool and distant relationship with. Well, to anyone.

I mean, clearly no-one is going to lose that much weight in a year, let alone 7 weeks, so this is all a bit irrelevant anyway.

Just wanted to feel wanted I suppose. Always tried to have a relationship with my sister but never felt good enough & this was another time it reminded me.

OP posts:

KissMyArt · 28/02/2024 23:42

Even if she didn't want you to lose several stone, I wouldn't be her bridesmaid on account of the fact she clearly and honestly doesn't want you to be.

Don't lower yourself OP, it'll only invite a lot of stress for you.

ohsaywhatnow · 28/02/2024 23:46

You need to lose several stones to fit in a dress you haven't seen, sorry to say but it seems to me that someone has bailed out & you're being asked to make the numbers up in someone else's dress. As a PP had said, is that realistic in 7 weeks, if you don't do it you'll be blamed for being a bridesmaid short

Maddy70 · 28/02/2024 23:47

Bow out.

Crazycatlady79 · 28/02/2024 23:58

Fuck them, OP.

Pull out of this farce of being a bridesmaid and, if you choose to attend the wedding of your shirty sounding sister, please go as you are - bright and glorious - not as the simulacrum that your family would have you be.

olympicsrock · 29/02/2024 00:00

No - don’t do it. They should love you for yourself xx

Original poster

FeelingConflicted · 29/02/2024 00:01

I’ve been told not to get my make up done and to tone my nail colour and change to “normal hair”.

I would love to wear pink, have purple hair, have matching nails and my usual full face of make up and lashes 🙈 but don’t want to add to the tension and be petty.
But then that’s my “normal” too so I’m conflicted!

OP posts:

DreamTheMoors · 29/02/2024 00:06

You can be in the wedding as long as you change absolutely everything about yourself.

Does this sound inviting or humiliating?

Original poster

FeelingConflicted · 29/02/2024 00:16

DreamTheMoors · 29/02/2024 00:06

You can be in the wedding as long as you change absolutely everything about yourself.

Does this sound inviting or humiliating?

Probably humiliating. I could add more details but it would then be even more outing 😔

I wish I wasn’t this way I’m still craving love & acceptance.
It’s making the grieving process harder (think younger family members have died also that were “on my side”)

OP posts:

Gymnopedie · 29/02/2024 00:26

I'm sorry if this seems like rubbing your nose in it OP. But what the above screams to me is that one of your sister's original bridesmaids has dropped out and she's invited you to fill the slot just to make up the numbers or balance out the photos or something.

I think you're fine to decline the invitation because to me it isn't genuinely meant, as in 'I want Feeling Conflicted to be one of my bridesmaids'. And if your relationship with your family is as strained as you say, have you really got anything to lose by not going at all?

I'm sorry that right now you feel you have no-one so you were hoping she might show that you were a bit important to her but she hasn't. Take time out, be nice to yourself, build up your own network. Friends are the family we choose. And we're all here if it helps even a little bit.

Luckingfovely · 29/02/2024 00:50

I think it's a really good time for you to stop for a moment and think about what you really want.

You craved being asked to be a bridesmaid, but I don't think you actually want to be one.

As well as that, they want you to unrealistically change everything about you in a timescale which you can't do and don't want to.

There's clearly an unhealthy family dynamic here. Take some time to figure out what relationship you truly want with them. And also probably back out of the spare bridesmaid position, for your own and everyone's sake.

SecretSquad · 29/02/2024 01:19

I'm so sorry for you as I can feel the pain of being treated badly by them and your desire to be accepted. But in any way you think about this wedding, its going to turn out badly if you are a bridesmaid.
Even assuming you managed to lose the weight in time, dress fits and you follow all their rules, they aren't going to welcome you with open arms or value the effort. They will still be the same people who exclude and judge you. And you will be angry at yourself for giving in and jumping through those hoops. You don't deserve to be only treated as family if you conform.
The best possible outcome for you attending the day is going as you.
I think you need to split your dilemmas into two parts.
Firstly, opt out of bridemaid duty for your own sanity. Yes they will judge you for it, but they will judge you anyway. So give a reason that you don't care about being judged for. I'd suggest something like "I've had a change of heart, I know I asked to be bridesmaid, but I realise I'll feel out of place and would be happier as a bystander, as its your day and I don't want to distract from that." Personally I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of admitting their demands were hurtful. The bride knows that already and I hope you realise that if she chooses to bad mouth you saying you wouldn't agree to her demands, she'll sound like bridezilla.
There maybe fallout to saying no, but the wedding is 7 weeks away, its plenty of time for them to change plans and cope.
I suggest you give yourself a moment to get over any fallout before dealing with problem two, what to wear and how to cope on the day of wedding itself. Once the dust settles, you can choose how you play your part in the day with a clear head and without it being dictated to you. Perhaps you will decide to slightly tilt your style towards their taste for the day. Every wedding guest will do, lets face it no-one dresses as they normally do at a wedding! Or if your family have an over the top reaction, well maybe you won't go at all or wear something subtly subversive, like all black to a summer wedding.
Saying no will empower you.

Original poster

FeelingConflicted · 29/02/2024 14:34

I’ve opted out and had a barrel of abuse from sister/mum.
Feel so deflated. Im never good enough but put myself in this position constantly seeking validation and approval from them.
Im always trying & always told I’m in the wrong, my feelings are never considered and think I’ll have to come to terms with the fact they never will be.

OP posts:

Gurlesque · 29/02/2024 15:06

Don't put yourself through this. Nothing good will come of it.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 29/02/2024 15:11

Being asked at such short notice is insulting. It’s not like you’re a new friend of someone who could only now attend. You were right to say no.

Americano75 · 29/02/2024 15:23

I'd be opting out of the wedding full stop.

SquishyGloopyBum · 29/02/2024 15:37

They put you in an impossible position op, and set you up to fail. You couldn't have met their stipulations anyway. Now they have another stick to beat you with.

I think you are in need of counselling to unpick your childhood and why you are seeking their approval.

Lollypop701 · 29/02/2024 15:47

I’d be ill on the day, no point with more stress and they aren’t going to be happy with the normal you so sod that.

you need to go to counselling to get your head around the dynamic. I’m sure you are fine as you are and they are the problem but it’s hard to accept and work through on your own and counselling will help

KreedKafer · 29/02/2024 16:00

Honestly, I really don't know why you asked to be a bridesmaid in the first place, but that aside - clearly your sister doesn't actually want you to do it. If she really wanted you to be a bridesmaid she wouldn't be telling you to change your appearance and she certainly wouldn't be asking you to wear a dress you physically will not be able to fit into. It isn't possible to lose 'several stone' in seven weeks. I would make it clear to your sister that you asked to be a bridesmaid because she is your sister and you love her, but that it's obvious you aren't acceptable to her as you are, and that for that reason you'll do her the favour of saying no.

I think you really need to stop asking for your family's approval. Either they accept you as you are, or they can lump it and just have a relationship with your DC. Labelling you a sinner and making it clear to you that you are only acceptable to them if change everything about yourself is a clear indication that their acceptance of you is entirely conditional upon you becoming a clone of the other women in your (I assume) extremely religious family.

Are your family Jehovah Witnesses by any chance? Or Mormon?

Honestly, whatever the situation, you are better off maintaining a cordial distance from your family. You shouldn't be 'backing down' or apologising for not sharing their extreme religious views.

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