To not be a bridesmaid?

28 replies

FeelingConflicted · 28/02/2024 23:24

Even though I’ve changed my username this is still majorly outing me. Hoping no one I know is on here 😬

I’m happy to accept if I’m wrong here.

I don’t have a great relationship with my family, I spent most my childhood growing up with my grandparents. Younger sister with my parents.

Majority of the time the relationship is strained due to different beliefs (I’m a sinner according to them & they wish I was different). I keep it cordial and always back down/apologise so they can have a good relationship with my DC who are treated well by them.

My sister is getting married, I begged to be a bridesmaid and was refused for about 8 months, then told I could be on the condition I change my appearance (I’ve different colour hair, have tattoos, wear make up). This was a few weeks ago.
I have always looked “different” it’s just my look & DS gets bullied about something, I tell him to never change for someone so I’d be a hypocrite to do so for 1 day? Or stubborn?

All the other bridesmaids who were asked 8 months ago & have their dresses, gone and done various wedding party things. I’ve not even seen the bridesmaid dress and been told I’ll need to lose several stone to fit in mine, it’s only 7 weeks away.

I’m torn. I’m glad to finally be asked but then feel I didn’t respect myself to have had to beg to be one & also change my whole self, in the first place.
If I was a guest I can be “me”. I know she’d prefer me not to be and it’s even been admitted that I’m only now asked so it “doesn’t look bad on the family”.

I don’t want to upset her and sound selfish if I now say I’d rather not be one.
I’d look stupid after begging too, it came from a place of hurt that I wasn’t asked but distant cousins were.

Shall I just go along with it as it’s just one day? I know I’ll be unhappy. In hindsight I don’t even know why I begged 😔

OP posts:

Original poster

FeelingConflicted · 29/02/2024 16:24

KreedKafer · 29/02/2024 16:00

Honestly, I really don't know why you asked to be a bridesmaid in the first place, but that aside - clearly your sister doesn't actually want you to do it. If she really wanted you to be a bridesmaid she wouldn't be telling you to change your appearance and she certainly wouldn't be asking you to wear a dress you physically will not be able to fit into. It isn't possible to lose 'several stone' in seven weeks. I would make it clear to your sister that you asked to be a bridesmaid because she is your sister and you love her, but that it's obvious you aren't acceptable to her as you are, and that for that reason you'll do her the favour of saying no.

I think you really need to stop asking for your family's approval. Either they accept you as you are, or they can lump it and just have a relationship with your DC. Labelling you a sinner and making it clear to you that you are only acceptable to them if change everything about yourself is a clear indication that their acceptance of you is entirely conditional upon you becoming a clone of the other women in your (I assume) extremely religious family.

Are your family Jehovah Witnesses by any chance? Or Mormon?

Honestly, whatever the situation, you are better off maintaining a cordial distance from your family. You shouldn't be 'backing down' or apologising for not sharing their extreme religious views.

They are JW. But their actions and way they talk about others is horrible, more so than someone with no beliefs.

I have had therapy but I think I need to have more as it’s clearly still an issue for me, it makes me feel so low and worthless and I don’t know why I keep doing it to myself.

I have been looking at going on a retreat the weekend of the wedding but I may just go and play happy families for the day. I’ve been told I won’t be in pictures anyway if I turn up as I am so that’s a positive 🤣

OP posts:

splatmouse · 29/02/2024 16:24

I'm sorry that you feel 'never good enough' OP but honestly you are seeking validation from the wrong type of people. People who will only accept you if you adapt to suit them, not accept you for yourself. Being 'not good enough' for people like that is actually a good thing, really. Although I appreciate it's hard to see it that way when they're your family.

mumonthehill · 29/02/2024 16:41

I just want to say that as i have got older i am always in awe of those around me who are their true selves. Be proud of who you are, what you wear. They may not like it but I can tell you now at a wedding you would be the one I would want to talk to. Stand tall!!!

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