Page 3 | Calling somebody else dad

LongTallSallyx · 2024-02-28T20:04:30+00:00

Child of seperated parents, age 6. His parents have been separated since he was 4 but his dad is still in his life and has him every week. The mum met somebody new when the boy was 5 and that man now lives with them, the mum is expecting a baby with the new partner. Whilst at his dads house the little boy drew a picture of "his family" and drew his mums partner as dad, leaving his bio dad out of the picture. When asked about it, he confirmed that yes "Stuart" is his dad. Bio dad wanted to have a conversation with the mum about it but mum doesn't see it as a problem as "Stuart" lives with them and has naturally fallen into the position of 'dad' Is the man unreasonable to be upset?

SarahAndQuack · 29/02/2024 21:11

itsnotforeveryone · 29/02/2024 21:01

'Children do that sort of thing - calling a new partner 'dad' either because they're starved of paternal affection, or because they want to please mum. '

I'm interested in where you found the facts and evidence to support this or is it your opinion?

'my DD has two mums. It's entirely possible, since my ex-P and I are separated, she will end up with more women she views as mothers. I think that is wonderful.'

So, you're saying it's wonderful if a child has more than one woman whom they view as a mother but 'not healthy' if a child has more than one man whom they view as a father. That doesn't make sense.

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I don't know if you've noticed, but this is actually a chat forum, not a peer-reviewed journal. So yes, this is my opinion. It's also what I've gleaned from reading about parenting. But no, I'm not going to do your research for you. If you don't feel you agree with me and you want to do more - and you're not confident in your own view - then you need to go off and do the work, like everyone else.

I think you must have misread, misunderstood, or skimmed my point about it being wonderful for a child to feel they have many parents. It is not about gender. You suggested I was objecting to a child calling two men 'dad'. I explained that, no, my issue was with the duration of the relationship and the attitude of the established parents. I mentioned that my personal circumstances mean that I am thoroughly familiar with children calling multiple parents 'mum', because your implication was that my objection was homophobic.

I've no issue with a child having multiple 'dads' or multiple 'mums'. It's wonderful when a child feels they have lots of parents. I do have an issue with a child feeling they have to decide between two dads, which seems to be the problem here.

purpleme12 · 29/02/2024 21:12

feellikeanalien · 29/02/2024 21:09

I don't think the issue here is that the little boy is calling Stuart dad, I would be more concerned by the fact he is drawing a picture of his family and leaving his dad out of it all together.

I don't think the picture's concerning no.
My child draws a picture of our family here as me her and our pets.
When she draws a picture of the other side it's her dad and his partner a lot of the time.
It's just cos we're never all together that's all

feellikeanalien · 29/02/2024 21:16

I see your point but this picture was drawn at his Dad's house and was described by the boy as a picture of "his family".

PrincessTeaSet · 29/02/2024 21:33

SarahAndQuack · 28/02/2024 20:57

I really disagree with this.

You surely don't let your child do whatever makes them 'feel comfortable,' do you? My child would feel most comfortable never brushing her teeth, for example. She hates it. But, of course, I have to make her do it. She also doesn't want to learn her spellings. Again, sadly ... she has to.

Everything I have ever read about child development and parenting indicates that it is really important you do not fob children off with the easy, 'comfortable' answer. And I've read a lot, because I am not my daughter's biological mother. In the OP, that's a child who could be simply expressing a felt relationship (that's lovely!) Or, trying to find a way to welcome a new adult (that's lovely too!). Or, the child could be trying to please mum (and that's also a very nice thing the child is doing). Finally, the child could be trying to construct a family that 'looks like' the families he's come to understand are normal.

There's nothing wrong with talking to a child about all of these possibilities. In fact, it's very important.

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I really disagree with you. If the boy's mum and boyfriend had a new baby and the boyfriend is known as dad to everyone else in the family it would be very cruel to tell the child they can't call him dad as well, if that's what the child wants to do. It would be different if no new baby as in that case the calling him dad could only have come from the adults involved.

Are you saying your adopted child isn't allowed to call you mum? That's unusual as most adopted children do call their adoptive parents mum, and it doesn't prevent conversations being had about roles different adults play in their lives at all.

Although hurtful to the OP's brother I think he'd be ill advised to say anything to his son about this, of course he should allow his son to talk about the new step parent etc though.

SarahAndQuack · 29/02/2024 21:37

PrincessTeaSet · 29/02/2024 21:33

I really disagree with you. If the boy's mum and boyfriend had a new baby and the boyfriend is known as dad to everyone else in the family it would be very cruel to tell the child they can't call him dad as well, if that's what the child wants to do. It would be different if no new baby as in that case the calling him dad could only have come from the adults involved.

Are you saying your adopted child isn't allowed to call you mum? That's unusual as most adopted children do call their adoptive parents mum, and it doesn't prevent conversations being had about roles different adults play in their lives at all.

Although hurtful to the OP's brother I think he'd be ill advised to say anything to his son about this, of course he should allow his son to talk about the new step parent etc though.

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Oh, gosh, absolutely! The child should be calling the new partner 'dad' if he wants to, in that context. My point was that the child should not be expected/pressured to do so, and that the mum really does have a responsibility to have a conversation about multiple 'dads,' to make sure the child knows they don't have to choose.

I think yo've confused me with another poster - I don't have an adopted child.

purplediscoblue · 29/02/2024 21:37

See i don’t agree with calling someone else dad unless dad is not and will not be in the child’s life.

My partner has a 5 and a 4 year old with his ex she met someone around the time we got together and she stopped and my partner stopped seeing his children and she’s been calling her boyfriend daddy and has now allowed my partner back in so they’ve essentially got two dads as they work remember my partner from before.

orangeleopard · 29/02/2024 22:20

If you educate the child so they have an understanding and they still choose what they call each person - that’s their decision. I had separated parents and both my parents moved on fairly quickly. I had the ‘talk’ multiple times yet I still chose to call my stepdad ‘dad’, despite my bio dad still being in my life. My stepdad was a consistent day to day male figure in my life and still to this day, as and adult, I still call him ‘dad’.

MrB87 · 05/08/2024 04:53

I am on the bio dads side here... I also happen to be in a similar situation 😔,
I split from my 2 children's mother when my daughter was 3, and my son was almost 5. Within a year my ex was with someone new and pregnant, and all of a sudden I wasn't allowed contact. Only recently I've been granted contact with my daughter (now almost 12) after her mother put her in to the care system.. When my daughter talks about her home life she describes it as my mum and dad... This destroys me inside because I'm her dad, and nothing can ever change that 😭

Trumpetjelly · 05/08/2024 08:11

If the little lad wants to call the new partner ‘dad’ and it’s bring fine from his choding and not directed by adults - Let him.

I am Mum . My adopted daughter has had many foster mums . And her birth mother.

We refer to her birth mum as ‘ mum’ - in context so we know we are not referring to me and I’m cool with that. Occasionally she will refer to her by name but mainly ‘my mum’.

I am totally fine with that - ‘mum’ is not a protected word. Most of us on this site are called mum or a variant of it… I know I am the mum whom has raised my daughter and who parents her. Having another mum doesn’t take away anything from me. Using the same word doesn’t dilute down my love for her.

rather than getting hung up on the word - he needs to focus on keeping a strong relationship with the child. A child can not be loved too much and a child with 2 ‘dads’ who both contribute to loving and raising them is lucky . I can see it may be less confusing if one is ‘dad’ one ‘daddy’ one ‘papa’ etc but if in that little lads eyes both are ‘dad’ then so be it.

of course he needs to be clear who is the bio dad and who is the step dad as he grows - but it’s so important that within each family unit the little lad feels part of it and if he wants to call this guy ‘dad’ then let him.

as an adoptive parent I thought before my child was placed that I would be fiercely jealous and cross that others have been my daughters mother before me - but when it came to it - I’m not and I see that ‘mum’ is a role and a word that many have undertaken in my daughters life. Yes now - I’m over the moon to be her ‘mum’ but that others have been too - doesn’t dilute down that I am her mum. Our love for each other is built upon how I care and protect and am involved in her life. I am glad that she did have these other women in her life that gave her life or nurtured her (foster mums) before she came to me but I am not threatened by a word . If tomorrow she decided to call me ‘trumpetjelly’ rather than ‘mum’ anymore I would very much be her mum.

focus on the relationship not the title!