Calling somebody else dad

[LongTallSallyx]

Child of seperated parents, age 6. His parents have been separated since he was 4 but his dad is still in his life and has him every week.

The mum met somebody new when the boy was 5 and that man now lives with them, the mum is expecting a baby with the new partner.

Whilst at his dads house the little boy drew a picture of "his family" and drew his mums partner as dad, leaving his bio dad out of the picture. When asked about it, he confirmed that yes "Stuart" is his dad.

Bio dad wanted to have a conversation with the mum about it but mum doesn't see it as a problem as "Stuart" lives with them and has naturally fallen into the position of 'dad'

Is the man unreasonable to be upset?

It's not ideal as he hasn't been in his life long BUT if this comes from your nephew wanting to call him dad opposed to being told to then thats a bit different.

At the end of the day the more people to love children and to be there for them providing a safe and happy home the better.

He has him every weekend without fail. He collects him from school on a Friday afternoon and drops him back to his mum late Sunday afternoon/early evening.

@dinku5 thats great that you are now ok with it but it makes you sound like they see you as a handmaid that has provided them a child and were just an incubator.

Wow I'm surprised at the responses here actually.
I entered a new relationship when my DS was three. My exDH and I were always civil and friendly and DS went to see his Father often. My new DP and I then had a DD together. When I was pregnant, my DS asked if, when the baby was born, my DP would be the Dad of the house. I said he would as he was the new baby's Daddy. He seemed happy with this explanation. Once our DD was born, my DS just evolved into calling my DP (now my DH) Dad. He'd talk to our DD and say 'oh look at Daddy' etc etc and it just evolved. We never told him he had to call him Dad, he prior to this, always call him by his first name.
DS always knew who his father was, he adored him and still does and continues to have a wonderful relationship with him. DS was just lucky enough to have lots of people to love him. Also, just so the trolls don't have a go at me asking me how I'd feel - when my ex DH married again, him and his new DP had a baby and my DS then called his father's new wife Mum, again due to the evolution of the relationship and the new baby coming along. But again, my DS knows who his mother is.
We (My exDH and now DH) always wanted my DS to have a loving family and always wanted to avoid us and exDH having a toxic relationship. We ALWAYS put our DS at the centre of all the decisions - he was and is the most important person in the dynamic and his needs came first. A name does not validate or define a relationship - it's who you are and how you behave, not what your name is.

As his auntie, I'd be gently telling nephew that Stuart isn't his dad and he shouldn't call him dad. Maybe think of another nickname for Stuart together. It's really irresponsible/hurtful of his mum to do this when his dad is in the picture. I'm not surprised he's upset. This of course is assuming that your brother is very involved with his son and not flakey or unreliable.

My mum married my sf when I was 5. I started calling him by his name, then cycled through various different options, father, step father, daddy, dad before settling on Dad. It was the option that felt right to me.
It was absolutely driven by me, not by my dp. Don't assume that this is being driven by your nephews mum and partner.

Just encourage your db to be a great dad, listen to his ds, be there for important events, school plays, sports events and training, hobbies. That's what builds the bond, not the name.

Oh yes! I certainly feel like that sometimes but honestly the best course of action was 'training myself not to care'

A name does not validate or define a relationship - it's who you are and how you behave, not what your name is.

I agree with that completely. I also think children often try to figure out new relationships by testing out how they could match up to what's already known. A child calling a step-dad 'daddy' is probably trying to understand how to parse that relationship. Both parents ought to be helping the child and talking more openly about what has happened.

Not good.
My family member has been with his partner for 4 years and lived with her for almost 1. Partners DD has known my family member from 8 months and has never met her biological father. DD still calls him by his first name, her Mother has never suggested differently.
The title of Daddy must have come from your brothers ex. I feel sorry for your brother as it's going to be very difficult to change now.

Exactly this. It’s different if he’s been told he has to call stepdad “Dad” but this is probably an innocent six year old trying to process how his family has changed. To him his new brother or sister is his brother or sister, and by extension their dad is also his.
It must hurt bio dad, but six year old is innocent and can’t be made to feel he’s being “bad” by adjusting anyway he has.

Bio dad needs to make an effort to build a civility of sorts with step dad. There is enough love to go around and if it was my kid, as much as it would hurt me, I’d want to know the new step parent feels warmly towards and treats my child well. I wouldn’t want my child to feel “second best” to new brother or sister.

Mmm that doesn't mean that he has to put to with his child calling him dad
He doesn't have to go mad with child.
But he's every right to tell child not to call him dad

This.
The replies on this thread are shocking. It’s up to the kid what makes him feel comfortable. His dad’s jealousy is not his concern. Of course he needs to understand who his bio dad is, but as long as that’s all clear he can call his step dad/ mums partner / siblings dad whatever he wants !

Yes this!
Parents need to be parents. If you have ended a relationship and you have children it's not going to be easy. But it's your responsibility as an adult and a parent to care for your child and put their needs first - always and every time. It may be difficult at times -of course - but parenting, good parenting is hard, it's tough but totally worth it! Totally agree with building relationships with the adults too it's what the children need not warring, tetchy adults who can't cope with the fall out of their own decisions. I hope the OPs brother can move on from this - he does seem to have a lovely relationship with his DS and sees him frequently. He is his father and that will NEVER change.

Do you really think a 6 year old has that much comprehension?

He collects him from school on a Friday afternoon and drops him back to his mum late Sunday afternoon/early evening. He probably has more actual hours of child time than mum does. Just gently correct every time.

I very much doubt the Mum would be so breezy about it if/when her ex gets a new gf and her son started calling her Mummy….

I really disagree with this.

You surely don't let your child do whatever makes them 'feel comfortable,' do you? My child would feel most comfortable never brushing her teeth, for example. She hates it. But, of course, I have to make her do it. She also doesn't want to learn her spellings. Again, sadly ... she has to.

Everything I have ever read about child development and parenting indicates that it is really important you do not fob children off with the easy, 'comfortable' answer. And I've read a lot, because I am not my daughter's biological mother. In the OP, that's a child who could be simply expressing a felt relationship (that's lovely!) Or, trying to find a way to welcome a new adult (that's lovely too!). Or, the child could be trying to please mum (and that's also a very nice thing the child is doing). Finally, the child could be trying to construct a family that 'looks like' the families he's come to understand are normal.

There's nothing wrong with talking to a child about all of these possibilities. In fact, it's very important.

A client’s ex was encouraging their child to call his partner ‘mummy’. He was told by the family court judge in no uncertain terms that the child only had one mummy, and that it was to stop immediately. It didn’t and social services noted it as parental alienation - which is saying something as ss and the courts avoid using that phrase. It is exactly that though.

This isn’t comparable to not brushing his teeth. It’s not something he needs to do , or not to do , for the sake of his own health / wellbeing, it’s about how he defines and recognises his own relationships with different people in his life. And yes that should be about what the child is comfortable with/ what feels natural to him , and not something that should be controlled by / subject to his parents’ issues or his dad’s jealousy.

Who said anything about not talking to the child?! Sure, that is important to keep the lines of communication open: but nothing at all wrong, per se, with him calling two men “dad”.

I think this is a totally different situation as the fact that family courts/ss are involved tells us that this is not a cohesive, blended, loving family. The ex sounds like a controlling abusive person so in this case I'd agree with the courts as it does sound like he is trying to alienate the mother of his child, I dread to think what else he may have done😥 You can't force this kind of thing. To a degree, you have to be led by the child as you should in any situation where emotions and big change happens for children. Love them, listen to them and talk to them. And be the adult.

I would tell your brother to chat with your nephew and reassure him that he is his dad and always will be. I don't agree with ranging boyfriends who have only came around down the line being called dad, same for mum and girlfriends, especially if a parent is in the picture

I think it is very much comparable to brushing his teeth.

For the sake of his own wellbeing, this child should be gently corrected when referring to a fairly new adult in his life as 'dad'. It isn't healthy. Nor does it seem healthy that the mum, in this case, is pretending it's not an issue that the child wants to 'replace' one dad with another. Children do that sort of thing - calling a new partner 'dad' either because they're starved of paternal affection, or because they want to please mum. In both cases (and even if it's the first option, and the bio dad is at fault), the solution is not to say 'well, the child knows best! He said it so it must be fine!'.

I don't think it is necessarily the case that the dad is 'jealous' - could well be he is more upset and concerned that his son is feeling under pressure to 'choose' the mother's new partner. That's a reasonable worry.

I never said there was anything wrong with a child calling two men dad - and, in the post you're replying to, I pointed out that my DD has two mums. It's entirely possible, since my ex-P and I are separated, she will end up with more women she views as mothers. I think that is wonderful. But the situation described here doesn't sound wonderful.

can he have more contact so he help his DS have a greater understanding that he has two families. One with Dbro as dad. And one with mum and stepdad

'Children do that sort of thing - calling a new partner 'dad' either because they're starved of paternal affection, or because they want to please mum. '

I'm interested in where you found the facts and evidence to support this or is it your opinion?

'my DD has two mums. It's entirely possible, since my ex-P and I are separated, she will end up with more women she views as mothers. I think that is wonderful.'

So, you're saying it's wonderful if a child has more than one woman whom they view as a mother but 'not healthy' if a child has more than one man whom they view as a father. That doesn't make sense.

I don't think the issue here is that the little boy is calling Stuart dad, I would be more concerned by the fact he is drawing a picture of his family and leaving his dad out of it all together.