He keeps leaving

[VBMama]

I have been with my partner for almost four years , he moved in 18 months ago and we have blended our families.
One DSD 19 and at university, and my two DS 9 and 15 who live with us. The children get on really well and consider themselves siblings . We have family holidays, Christmas together, lots of trips out and his DS has become quite close to my sisters and family and I really love her

Two years ago my partners mum died and he took over her house, which is a mess and a lot to deal with . We both have quite stressful jobs -his in particular, and there’s a lot to juggle at home , my mum has dementia , 15yo is quite hard work etc etc

Every time we have a stressful time, or lately even a slight row he leaves, goes back to his mums house - not too far away - then comes back and says sorry , he doesn’t mean it is going to change etc.

He's done it this past week and I am so angry and sick of it . I had a miscarriage in December, I have been really unwell and work is tough at the moment . My eldest is about to do his GCSE’s and the 9yo is so close to my partner. I can’t continue to put up with this , it feels so controlling and abusive even though he is wonderful at all other times .
He is now saying we should go to counselling but he will stay at his mum’s and I’m so hurt and frustrated that he just leaves- with no consideration for how we all are . He took the car and I’ve been stuck over half term without it for instance .
What do I do?

If the house you're in is yours, change the locks and don't let him back in. He is controlling the narrative and keeping you in line with these histrionics.

He won't be happy, but you will have a chance at being so.

It’s your house? Don’t let him back in!
Whose car is it?

Tell him the next time will be the last and he can stay there permanently. He doesn't get to 'opt out' to the detriment of everyone else.

Agree with others. Don't put up with it.

You need to tell him 'This time I'm done. It is over, and I don't want to try again. It's all about you - you took the car and left me with no transport over half term, which demonstrates that in your head you come first, all the time. It is horrendous for the 9yo and 15 year old and they are my priority. Don't bother returning. It's over'.

For the sake of your sanity, and your kids, end it now. You've given him more than one chance and he's still fucking about playing silly buggers.

End it now.

Let him be gone.
Change the locks.
Separate everything that is currently joint.
Consider him, and treat him as, an Ex.
Above all: don't get pregnant!!

How do you feel in that minute when you realise he has gone again?
Relief, let him go.
Disappointment, sadness, upset. How many times do you want him to make you feel like that before you go I'm going to let you do that to me again?

When he comes back, how do you feel?
Sad? Hopeful? Fear that he will leave again? If it's the latter let him go.

For the other response in your gut do you want or need him to do to make you feel like you want him back or what would you need to feel comfortable saying this has run it's course and we can't keep on this merry-go-round

Being an adult committed relationships involves sticking around to get through the rough patches. It looks like he is only wanting to be there for the good days. Is that enough for you?

what everyone has already said..

You should break up with him BECAUSE of your children. How can you bear to put them through this, especially the 9 year old? it must be traumatic for him, the sort of trauma that lasts and lasts.

Yes sorry it’s my house , thank god I own it . We share everything financially otherwise though. The car is his, but we got rid of mine. I’m so upset that he can just leave us stranded like that .

Yes , it’s had me so confused about what is best for them . In the past it’s never lasted more than a night and I’ve just said he’s working away, so they’ve been none the wiser. But this time it’s been over a week and I don’t even want to speak to him.

My house thankfully, his car

He is playing games, toying with you.
Do not let him.
Time to be brave.
You WILL feel better once he is definitely gone.
And your children can start to feel secure again.

What would I do?
The next time he leaves, I'd have his packed bags on the doorstep and the locks changed for his return.
Only a mug would put up with it.

Yes this. even worse, he's toying with your children. that's unforgivable

Leave, or obviously make him leave and sort out decent contraception ffs.
He's a twat, but you are responsible for your own body.

Please don't get pregnant in this situation.

And the children are not siblings. 4 years, only 18 months living together. They may be friends but they are not siblings. Too much, too fast.

If the car is supposed t be a joint asset, tell him he needs to treat it as such and leave you with it at least half the time.

Plan for this to be permanent.

Just change the locks and buy yourself a car. You don't need this selfish pillock in your house or your life. He'll make your life a misery (he already is). You deserve better.

He’s not behaving well but my guess is he’s grieving. He’s recently lost his Mum and it’s knocked him for six.
Id give him the benefit of the doubt and try opening up a conversation with him about what’s going on. A little love and understanding may go a long way to resolving things.

This is the only reason why I’ve let it go in the past . It’s my fault for not insisting on counselling the last time . It just feels now like a total lack of respect and repeated patterns and behaviours . He goes really cold and off when he’s gone too - someone else called it stonewalling - it’s feeling quite abusive now as each time I feel sick , worried about him and having to keep it altogether at home .

Can you afford to buy another car? It will give you your own independence so you don’t need to lean on him. Unfortunately he sounds like he is slowly checking out of the relationship so I would start preparing for the inevitable.

Everything seems chaotic. Might be better if ge lived at his mum's. It's not compulsory (and you'd probably be happier) to live separately.

You have to be (fully, 100%) prepared to lose a relationship, to save it.

Which means, you need to tell him to leave. Not come back. That you are done with this controlling, abusive, hurtful, harmful, destructive behaviour from him - and you will not accept it from him any longer.

If he wants to get counselling to deal with it, and/or his grief over losing his mother, he should absolutely do that. He should.

But you won’t live like this any more.

You either handle it like this ^^ or you accept his abusive behaviour and put up with it.

Edited to add - I personally don’t know why you would want to save a relationship with a man like this, but presumably you do.

So he only started this after he inherited a place of his own, and now that he can walk out, he does. Has he paid any rent over the years, paid towards wear and tear, upkeep of your house? All seem a bit convenient to me.

You need to prioritise your DC’s long term emotional wellbeing and tell him it’s over. Also, when financially possible, buy yourself a little car. The fact that yours was sold but he kept his and then leaves you with no transport is so controlling and a red flag.