Feel like I have zero spare time is this normal?

[Notami]

I’ve got two children. Eldest is 3. Youngest is 9 months. I work 4 days. DH works 4 days. We each take our day off on different day so we only have to worry about childcare 3 days a week.

Kids typically get up 6, sometimes earlier. Then it’s either nursery drop off by 9 latest and onto work. (Or on my day off I have both kids from 7.30 when DH leaves for work.)

Then it’s finish work pick up kids have tea. Bath-time story bed by 7.30. But my 3 year old, no matter what I try, will not go to sleep before 9pm and insists you lie with her until she falls asleep. If you don’t then she shouts and cries at the top of the stairs and so we can’t get the youngest down to sleep. So it’s 9pm by the time they both go down. Then it’s downstairs cleaning and packing bags/sorting outfits. Then my youngest usually gets up at least once between 10 and 12. And then pretty much every 2 hours after that. So my Dh and I do 2 hour alternating shifts of sleep.

So I don’t have any free time other than maybe 30 mins at lunch on a working day which if I’m working from home I usually need to use to tidy house.

Weekends we are off. We try to give each breaks but it’s so full on with the teo. Sometimes it just doesn’t feel worth asking as you know you have to repay the favour.

I just wondered if it’s like this for other working mums with small kids and if/when it changes. At the moment feels like I’m on call 24/7

Yes that sounds pretty normal tbh. Things will get easier as they get older

Yes unfortunately you have the hardest few years ahead of you. It does get easier, I promise!

Normal it does get easier as they get older. Have you thought about getting a sleep trainer in for 3 year old?

Okay good to know thanks. I knew it’d be harder but it’s a shock. With one child I started running three times a week when I went back to work and spent one evening a week on a hobby. Now that just seems ludicrous that I’d have time to do that.

Btw also want to clarify my posts mentions working mums specially just because that’s my circumstance. I don’t for a second think SAHMs have any more time!

I’m in a similar situation to you, so understand how you’re feeling. I have a 4yr old and a 1yr old. I work 3 days a week and my husbands day off is different to mine so we only have to pay for nursery 2 days per week. My job can be long hours and is very stressful at times. By the time I’m home I’ve got little energy to cook, let alone do chores or have a hobby. My days off are limited due to school drop off/pick up and having the baby at home. I’d love a spa day but that seems like a pipe dream at the moment!

Yup. It gets better.

We're the same tbh as they get older to teens its even less time when they then don't go to bed until, 10 /11pm. It sucks

Could you try different approaches with bedtime and sleep so you get an evening?

@Notami been there, the 2 youngest are now 14 and 16. Was laughing the other day about how “ we used to argue about who had literally 2 minutes more sleep than than the other! 🤦‍♀️🙈”
we used to take it in turns at the weekends each day for a lie in. No idea when that stopped but now they sleep and we wake early 😂. It’s time limited ❤️

Normal. Outsourcing some of the housework can help, if possible.

@FinallyFeb I have tried quite a lot of different approaches but without luck. So we’ve tried have v quiet time before bed and throughout the routine. Tried adjusting bed time. Tried a process of gradually edging out the room (to which she just followed). Tried allowing her to play with toys in room on her own. Sadly no success with those but def open to other ideas! Ps 3 year old no long get naps so not a case of too much daytime sleep

Ugh, it’s really exhausting. I find bedtime the hardest, after a long day you just want a moment to yourself right.

Just got our two year old to sleep and now lying with the 4 year old who is the same as yours and won’t let me leave the room before she’s asleep. Haven’t managed to have any dinner, still have work emails to tackle and the house is a tip.

Does your partner share the load? My DH is usually working till late so I mostly do the bedtimes by myself. He does manage a couple of nights a week for his hobbies or meeting friends though so I also should go out a couple of nights and leave him to it.

Yes normal, but you do get time back for yourself and your hobbies later I promise.

And with the benefit of hindsight I'm so glad I chose my kids in those years. It passes so quick and you'll never have the chance to spend those years with them again. Rose tinted glasses and all that, but I miss them wanting to sleep with us. Big teens now.

Tried a process of gradually edging out the room (to which she just followed)

Maybe try picking her up and putting her back in her bed and repeat. It will be more work at the beginning but she may get it.

Yes normal. But you say you don't want a break as you'll have to repay the favour. I'd personally happily take a little break as its important when you're feeling like a lot is going on. So what if you have to repay the favour.

Just wait until you have teenagers. Then you will definitely have no time. Pre-school age was a breeze by comparison.

I suppose that depends on individual circumstances. Preschool and pre teen was way harder and busier for us, 100%.

Tbh I'm shocked you managed running and a hobby with one!

Reading your post brought back memories, especially the part about the 3 year old not going to bed alone and then waking the baby. I felt like those days would never end. I managed to get to a point where I would put her back every time and then sit on the floor outside her room so she knew I was there. I even started reading my book out there in the end! I would say by the time the baby was 3, life felt a bit easier. Now they barely come out of their rooms and I miss being needed

Yes same for us. Although DH works Sundays and I'm studying for a qualification which often involves tuition on Saturdays. Literally no spare time.

I feel the same! Considering dropping my hours at work just so I have time to exercise, clean the house, maybe have a hobby etc! Don't have time for anything other than work and childcare it feels at the minute!

Been there. It's rough. It got easier for us when the eldest went to preschool then Reception. We realised that since dropping naps, although she had been tired of being awake by the evening, she hadn't always been challenged enough to tire out her brain (and sometimes her body). So on weekends and holidays we started putting in extra physical play after dinner (7pm winter trampoline time was sooo cold but it worked!) And also getting her to do 'jobs' - mostly just taking a damp cloth or a dustpan and brush around for 10mins, which sounds weird but did seem to help.

Have you tried a Yoto player / Tonie or similar for your 3 year old? Even if you still need to be in the room you could put the lights down really low , and a story on so your child can wind down and you can have a break. Or try popping out for 5 min at a time then extend it.
Two children that age is exhausting and relentless and it def gets better (we’re still exhausted by the long days but at least we sleep all night which makes it all so much easier to cope with)

Sounds normal although you went back to work early if your youngest is only 9 months.

I think I was very lucky sorry not helpful. Kids all in bed by 6 o’clock news and asleep by 630 . Down side was that Dad home once asleep. He got up at 6am ,gave the children breakfast but luckily they were not awake until 7am . I was up and alive by 745 .Worked well and feel bloody sorry for people getting up at stupid hour o’clock.
My dogs have been great.Absolutely no expectations to be up and out until 10am .So now the children are adults it’s an easy morning and dogs go out by 1030.