Feel like I have zero spare time is this normal?

[Notami]

I’ve got two children. Eldest is 3. Youngest is 9 months. I work 4 days. DH works 4 days. We each take our day off on different day so we only have to worry about childcare 3 days a week.

Kids typically get up 6, sometimes earlier. Then it’s either nursery drop off by 9 latest and onto work. (Or on my day off I have both kids from 7.30 when DH leaves for work.)

Then it’s finish work pick up kids have tea. Bath-time story bed by 7.30. But my 3 year old, no matter what I try, will not go to sleep before 9pm and insists you lie with her until she falls asleep. If you don’t then she shouts and cries at the top of the stairs and so we can’t get the youngest down to sleep. So it’s 9pm by the time they both go down. Then it’s downstairs cleaning and packing bags/sorting outfits. Then my youngest usually gets up at least once between 10 and 12. And then pretty much every 2 hours after that. So my Dh and I do 2 hour alternating shifts of sleep.

So I don’t have any free time other than maybe 30 mins at lunch on a working day which if I’m working from home I usually need to use to tidy house.

Weekends we are off. We try to give each breaks but it’s so full on with the teo. Sometimes it just doesn’t feel worth asking as you know you have to repay the favour.

I just wondered if it’s like this for other working mums with small kids and if/when it changes. At the moment feels like I’m on call 24/7

Not much to add but just to say that in my experience it does get easier, definitely. My daughter was similar and needed us to fall asleep but grew out of that when at nursery more and after day naps had stopped and was more tired. I used to read my kindle on her bedroom floor, or you could listen to an audio book or pod cast so you feel like you are doing something small for yourself?
We also got a cleaner just for a couple of hours every other week which helped.
It feels like a bit of a slog but for me both my kids are at school now, it's still busy and I work 4 days too but now manage to get out and exercise a few times a week and socialise a bit too.

How is this true? Asking out of genuine interest as a mum of two with toddlers… was assuming (/praying!!) once they were at school there’d be more down time?

I get up at 5:30 to fit exercise in. It’s really important to me (self regulation, emotional well-being) so worth it.

I think the broken sleep, early mornings and refusal to go to bed are really hard. My middle child went to sleep on his own from day one and it was so much easier.

Number 3 is the polar opposite.

Moneybum my primary school aged child takes up way more time day to day than my 4 year old in nursery.

4 year old is reliably asleep by 8/8.30 and has no homework, I just occasionally top.up the spare clothes in his nursery bag.

Nearly 8 year old goes to bed later and has a variety of extra curricular activities to remember to wash kit for/pack kit for/pay teachers. Then there is homework and random dress up days and PTA requests (eg make cakes, volunteer for an hour at event)

I am hoping for a few easier years - maybe age 9 to 12 where he can do a lot more stuff by himself but isn't a moody teen yet 😄

We have kids the same age, basically all the same as you. I cosleep with the baby, eldest wakes about 2am every night so my DH cosleeps with her after that so we so we all get sleep, albeit very broken! She also can't sleep until about 9pm, she has always been low sleep needs.To me it makes sense kids want to sleep with someone there for reassurance, they will grow out of it.

DH and I have the kids solo at least once or twice a week to give the other a break. We both have hobbies so going out to do those is our main break generally! It does help. What is missing is we spend hardly any time together alone but we will start to get that back as the kids get older.

It's really hard. I'm on maternity leave with our second child and looking forward to going back to work just so I can book a day of annual leave and use it to sleep!

The poster who I replied to said having teenagers was harder and they had less time and preschool was much easier. I just disagreed with that because having teens to me is a breeze, they are super independent, take a lot more time for themselves or with friends than wanting us to be entertaining them. Having preschool kids was much harder, literally 24/7 non stop. Having children in school still felt quite hard at times, they are still of that age where they need you an awful lot. Bed time routines, bath time, homework help, after school clubs and different activities. To be honest the hardest thing for me when mine were at primary school was the fact that I worked 40 hours a week as well, so the constant juggle of all of that.

Yes, I'd say pre school and reception is worst. We're now juniors in primary and it's a lot easier. They go to bed and read themselves, switch their own lights out. They get dressed in the morning from clothes they get out the cupboards themselves. Whilst yes, it's a nightmare managing who needs what, what days, for which extra curricular activities, the fact you're a taxi service means you can nip to the supermarket whilst they're at Cubs, go for a run whilst they're at choir rehearsal etc.

It's still HARD. I upped my hours to FT because I was irritated working 5 days and getting paid for 4 so time is precious. I empty the dishwasher, make packed lunches and hang laundry whilst the kettles boiling and they're eating their breakfast. I am now an expert at multi tasking.

But do I appreciate the fact they can switch on an iPad and watch TV or read a book on a Saturday morning and get their own breakfast whilst I lie in for 5 minutes? Hell yes.

Utterly normal
And then there's a phase where you have a bit more free time as they're playing nicely together or are completely absorbed in an activity so you can have a cup of tea in peace but you're always on edge as you never know when they're suddenly going to switch and start attacking each other/destroying things
Then there's the phase where you know that they'll spend the next half hour or hour doing an activity or watching TV and you can do something else but within shouting distance and just as you have got fully absorbed into your book or whatever they'll need to come and tell you about some utterly dull incident at school that day or one of them will randomly roll off the sofa and whack their head on the floor (bitter experience!)
And then you get to a phase where one or other of you can go out for a few hours at the weekend without knowing you're making your other half's life harder by doing that as it is just easier having both parents around
And then, as the youngest starts secondary, you get to this utterly liberating phase where they can be left home alone for chunks of time and you can come & go relatively freely. Sorting out the garden and deciding to go to the dump there & then as it doesn't have to be a family outing and nor do you have to get anyone else to stop what they are doing. Agreeing with a friend to meet them for a coffee and not having to check in with anyone else. It's amazing!

I have a 16yo and it's a breeze. I suppose it depends what sort of teens you have though. DS is like me in that he just cracks on with things, doesn't get stressed much. He has been lucky enough to have a solid friendship group throughout secondary and has kept out of any social media dramas.

Yep sounds normal.. this is the hardest age. It got easier for me when the youngest started school at 4. They are now 8 and nearly 6 and it's honestly a breeze in comparison to those early years.

Normal, but in my experience the younger school years get harder as there is more to do with school stuff until they can manage more independently with it. So maybe from 7-8yrs old.

You’re in the trenches. How long have you been back at work?

These threads make me realise just how lucky I am that both my kids slept through reliably from a very early age. Because two hourly wake ups ahead of a day at work would have killed me.

My three year old can sort themselves out in the morning, that was a bit of a game changer. We leave clothes out the night before and he will dress himself and head downstairs to his cupboard, which has breakfast things in it all portioned out. It makes mornings a lot more straightforward with the baby, and he’s very proud to do it.

Now I just need to teach him to out the kettle on.

Normal but very difficult. Can you take it in turns to do both bedtimes so you get an earlier finish every other day?

Mine are 6 and 3 now and it's loads easier than it was when they were 4 and 1 (or younger).

@SirWalterElliot no that’s what I think has made the jump to two so hard. So with one we would alternate bedtimes. So the other could get on with housework etc until day 8.30 and then every other night we’d get 1.30-2hours personal time. Now both kids need a parent to fall asleep and they can’t fall asleep in the same room as they wake each other up. So we have to do a bedtime each and both take until about 9pm to go down. On the rare times we try to give each other a break in the week nights then it’s one of you with both kids crying until like 10.30 as they’re knackered but can’t sleep. We have tried lots of tactics (all the ones mentioned in this thread and more) to try to get them to go sleep independently. But nothings worked so far.

It’s been helpful to know from this thread that I’m not alone at least. Although I feel for those that have had it like this right thought to teenager years!!!

This is what I am waiting for!! I can handle being busy, it’s the time to squeeze in a hobby (like a run). If I have to do that while they do ballet or whatever, so be it. I will knit while they swim!

And it has been an eternity since I had a lie in 🫠

It comes back. These days my oldest (9) is not infrequently at a birthday party or with friends for several hours on a weekend, and one parent can loosely supervise the 6yo while doing house stuff while the other has free time. They also both get themselves up, fed, and dressed. On the weekends they're allowed to chill out with TV in the morning and I don't get up until I feel like it. On weekdays I come down to them dressed in their uniforms and eating the breakfast they got themselves, and yes I have to remember sodding World Book Day and to sign their reading diary and give them a pound for the collection, but it's easier than having to watch them every minute any day.

I’m reading this in awe that your 6 year old will sort themselves out completely for school and at weekends too. My 6 year old just comes into our bed after she wakes up and refuses to go downstairs on her own (as she’s scared!) and getting her to sit and eat breakfast, then getting her dressed, then shoes teeth etc is such a painful process (I have a 4 year old too, same thing). How do you convince your children to do all this by themselves?! Do they have rewards etc it just feels impossible! Any tips gratefully received

I would agree it’s normal for this time in your life and particularly harder with your 3 year old settling so late. I think I noticed a particular change when my oldest started school and my youngest was 2; then slowly it’s got better to where when my youngest was 3.5 it became more easy for DH and I to return to our own hobbies and have weekends away without leaving the other parent in the shit.

Also the time when you can go into the shower without pre planning what your DC are doing is a really good moment of when you’re getting time to yourself back. I also know that my oldest will let me know if the younger one is doing something silly which helps.

Since the older one won’t go to sleep until later anyway, why not have one parent doing both bedtimes consecutively? So P1 gets baby down while P2 potters about tidying and chatting to 3yo. Then P1 puts 3yo to bed while P2 has free time. Next night Ps swap over. 3yo might even sleep better for having had 121 attention? No need for everyone to suffer.

But it will get better.

Yes I'm the same my life is manic, something on every night after work this week not getting home till after 9pm from 8.30am, I'm exhausted. Weekends are filled with journeys all over the country for the kids sports and tomoro is to Ireland. It won't last forever though but I can relate.

Totally utterly normal.

Work or kids

I only have one, who sleeps a bit earlier than yours - and it still feels familiar! In awe of parents of more than one.
It's now March and my new year promise to take up a particular sport is still waiting for me to "just get through this week"
When they are in bed I'm so exhausted that all the life/house admin is on the back burner. It's hard!