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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not going to see my boyfriend this weekend, am I being needy?

38 replies

KeiraKnightley2 · 28/02/2024 17:24

I've been seeing him for a few months. He's a PhD student and at the start consistent time together was hard. I hung in there thinking it would improve as things progressed.

And they did! He made more time for me of his own accord, made lovely plans for Valentine's and we finally slept together. The sex was enjoyable but not amazing, and he beat himself up for being 'rusty' (I didn't care).

Anyway he's been consistent since sex and phones just as much as ever, but we haven't now met for 2 weeks because he was travelling for work, then I was.

I intentionally booked to come home a bit earlier to see him but now he says he can't meet me this weekend, it will be a week before we can next meet because he is so busy with the final weeks of his PhD and behind on work

Is it silly to be upset? I feel this is the time when you should really miss and want each other.

OP posts:

Original poster

KeiraKnightley2 · 28/02/2024 21:14

@Hillrunning yeah he barely had any time at first and I was seriously rethinking. Made it clear we needed to be meeting up.

Feels like he's put in loads of effort to sort of 'get me' and now he feels he can ease off during the next busy period. So after he submits his PhD we'll see.

OP posts:

Hillrunning · 28/02/2024 21:22

I'm not sure you fully understood my post. I mean, you should be hugely impressed that he likes you enough to have found time for you at such a hard and important moment in his life.

It isn't about him feeling the can ease off, it's seems far more like he has really pushed the boat out and now needs you to show some understanding his way.

InSpainTheRain · 28/02/2024 21:23

He's finishing his PhD! He will be massively busy. I honestly think you need to give him all the time he needs right now, and accept it. I can't describe the stress he probably feels. I bet he'll turn out to be a good guy and it's a genuinely busy time for him. At least give him until 2 weeks after he has handed it in. Good luck.

Dishwashersaurous · 28/02/2024 21:38

Just another voice saying that if he's managed to make time to see you and get to know you at all at this point of his PHD he must really, really like you.

Let him submit and then you can actually see where the relationship lies

Zanatdy · 28/02/2024 21:47

Give him some time, if you like him then give I’m that space he needs

MamaMode · 28/02/2024 22:42

@KeiraKnightley2 I understand your upset, but with the end of his PHD being his reasoning for his lack of time, I reckon you should try and be a bit more patient, as PHDs can be all consuming. He is at his final hurdle, so not point him getting distracted at this point, but at least you can reassure yourself with the fact that it will all be over 'very' soon. So he will have more time for you

Noseybookworm · 28/02/2024 22:54

You do sound a bit needy to be honest. He is under pressure to get work done on his PHD so he's not blowing you off for nothing. Make plans with friends and have some fun at the weekend - it's much more attractive to be self sufficient and independent than clingy and needy!

wombat15 · 28/02/2024 23:04

Is it a long distance relrelationship? I can understand not wanting to travel or spend a whole weekend but if you are in the same town, I think he is making excuses.

Original poster

KeiraKnightley2 · 28/02/2024 23:11

We're roughly 1 hours 15 mins apart @wombat15

He has been really busy in recent weeks, so spending a day together but not whole weekend. He worked hard to carve out that time.

OP posts:

Spectre8 · 28/02/2024 23:15

Yes you are being a bit needy. For two weeks you were both travelling, him oen week you the other so thays okay and acceptable. However it's the fact you intentionally came back early to see him and he is too busy that is what is probably getting to you.

To be honest all he has said is I need one more week. It's not a huge amount of time. You came back early, had you not I'm guessing seeing him wouldnt of been an option anyway until the weekend he is now suggesting.

Starspangledrodeopony · 29/02/2024 19:22

He’d be insane to split his focus at this stage of his doctorate. INSANE. My husband basically didn’t exist in my final few weeks, nor did anyone else.

Original poster

KeiraKnightley2 · 29/02/2024 20:41

@Starspangledrodeopony I understand.

The thing is that in May he's taking a position at a uni an additional hour away which will make the relationship long distance. Our relationship is still young and I worry about spending time together before then.

He's found a place in the new town with a lot of space and suggests I could work remotely there if I want sometimes (I only need to be in the office x1 day a week). I suppose I just need to give him this space to finish this and see how things go over the coming months.

OP posts:

Dishwashersaurous · 01/03/2024 12:58

Out of curiosity how did you meet?

The next few weeks are the most important for his entire life, particularly if he wants to go into academia.

He needs to focus on his PhD and nothing else.

Either you decide you will wait or not.

If you want a different relationship choose someone who lives locally with a different job

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