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Original poster

Not going to see my boyfriend this weekend, am I being needy?

38 replies

KeiraKnightley2 · 28/02/2024 17:24

I've been seeing him for a few months. He's a PhD student and at the start consistent time together was hard. I hung in there thinking it would improve as things progressed.

And they did! He made more time for me of his own accord, made lovely plans for Valentine's and we finally slept together. The sex was enjoyable but not amazing, and he beat himself up for being 'rusty' (I didn't care).

Anyway he's been consistent since sex and phones just as much as ever, but we haven't now met for 2 weeks because he was travelling for work, then I was.

I intentionally booked to come home a bit earlier to see him but now he says he can't meet me this weekend, it will be a week before we can next meet because he is so busy with the final weeks of his PhD and behind on work

Is it silly to be upset? I feel this is the time when you should really miss and want each other.

OP posts:
FlyingSoap · 28/02/2024 17:26

He doesn’t sound as bothered as you unfortunately. Why can’t he find 30 minutes for a walk or an hour for lunch?

GreyCarpet · 28/02/2024 17:26

Is it silly to be upset? I feel this is the time when you should really miss and want each other.

It's understandable to be upset but it doesn't matter how much he misses you or wants to see you, he can't risk not completing his PhD.

Original poster
KeiraKnightley2 · 28/02/2024 17:27

@FlyingSoap we live 1 hours 10 mins apart fyi, so usually spend longer periods when we are together

OP posts:
Original poster
KeiraKnightley2 · 28/02/2024 17:27

Maybe I feel more vulnerable because we had sex last time and you always hear about men cooling off when the chase is over

OP posts:
mynameiscalypso · 28/02/2024 17:28

One of my team has just completed her PhD. It was intense and, at times, all consuming. It's takes a huge amount of effort and dedication. If he's in the final slog, I can totally understand why he's so focused on it. Sometimes that's life.

Throwawayme · 28/02/2024 17:28

Yeah you're being a bit silly. His PhD is important and it's just one weekend. I hardly saw my partner during the last month of my degree as had to focus.

yourlobster · 28/02/2024 17:28

It's not silly to be upset but if his reasons are genuine then I think you need to either accept there's a lot of demands on his time or move on.

A PHD is a huge amount of work and commitment on top of a job too.

PurplePanda1 · 28/02/2024 17:29

I would give him a chance as he has his PhD to complete. But saying that, only you know if you feel this relationship is going somewhere.

Stormbornform · 28/02/2024 17:29

The end of PHD's are hard. If you want to be with him I think you need to accept this and distract yourself. This is a new relationship. It can go slowly. He is communicating.

Hoglet70 · 28/02/2024 17:29

You don't get to the end of a PhD and then let yourself get distracted. I think you need to be understanding about this and let things go at his pace. Show an interest in his work and be encouraging but don't be needy because this will be so important to him.

midgetastic · 28/02/2024 17:30

Final weeks of phd write up and then viva prep are sone of the hardest work he might ever do - it might not work out but it's harsh demanding his time now

lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 28/02/2024 17:30

I think he's making his PhD a priority which is completely understandable if he is behind and in the final weeks. Then you couldn't meet the week before and he couldn't meet the week before that. It all sounds very reasonable and unavoidable.

The thing I would take more note of (from experience) is if there is still the desire to meet you, even though he can't. He sounds pretty consistent and balanced and that he's as in touch as much as he always has been. So unless you are noticing any cooking off in other areas, he'd be planning a nice time with friends and leaving him to it so he can get on with his work. He's not blowing you out to watch TV or see his mates.his reasoning is very sound

Didimum · 28/02/2024 17:30

He is being very sensible and responsible prioritising his PhD. Sorry, but that should come before a few-months-long relationship. If he cools off due to having had sex with you, then he’s not the guy for you anyway.

Keep aware of his dedication to keeping in touch with you during the last push on his PhD and take it from there.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 28/02/2024 17:36

The final few weeks of a PHD are always going to be prioritised over a relatively new partner and rightly so. There's no point in pursuing a PHD and then getting distracted at the very end.

How he treats you so far appears thoughtful and considerate and this won't be for much longer.

There will be times when you will also need to spend less time with him. Healthy relationships support each other during these times.

Original poster
KeiraKnightley2 · 28/02/2024 17:53

@lemonsaretheonlyfruit maybe it is all ok and I suppose I can't very well get annoyed when I was also away for a week.

Think it's just the timing of getting closer then him unable to meet.

Of course I realize the PhD is important and came before me. I'm just hoping the relationship can become more if a priority in future.

OP posts:
Mothership4two · 28/02/2024 18:54

Sounds like it's just life getting in the way but it's in the passionate 'can't wait to rip each other's clothes off' period of your relationship. I know you are worried about him cooling off after sex but he does have a valid reason. See what he is like when he has finished his PHD - I imagine you both are in for a good time 😊

ScabbyHorse · 28/02/2024 19:39

I would go out and socialise and try and have as good a time as you can, if he sees you're fine without him it might make him miss you more

Original poster
KeiraKnightley2 · 28/02/2024 19:51

@Mothership4two that's what worries me!

I'd have hoped he'd be keen for round 2, I know I am. So on the one hand, I know it's a busy time for him. Won't make a big deal of this

On the other hand id hoped he'd missed me and would be keen to see me asap. I know his PhD comes first but I can't deny that!

OP posts:
nutbrownhare15 · 28/02/2024 20:03

A PhD is a pretty good excuse. I'd cut him some slack until he's submitted it

HowNice23 · 28/02/2024 20:34

Perhaps the chemistry just isn't fully there? You say the sex was a bit meh and he's not wanting you to come up - when my partner was doing final exams I came up and was just around, making tea or just being in the room etc. It was companionable and loving even though it wasn't a hot date out on the town.

ApolloandDaphne · 28/02/2024 20:51

Yes you are being needy. Once he has completed his PhD he will have lots of time for you.

Original poster
KeiraKnightley2 · 28/02/2024 20:54

I've had meh sex with multiple boyfriends on the first try that ended up great down the line @HowNice23 - so I think it's too soon to worry. Maybe if he continues making excuses.

Also it was passionate, I just didn't get there. Quite often happens to me first time.

He's weird about me coming over because his place is tiny compared to mine. It is small but I don't care. Clearly he wants to be on his own for this last stretch anyway and I can't force it.

OP posts:
Original poster
KeiraKnightley2 · 28/02/2024 20:54

I hope so @ApolloandDaphne

OP posts:
theduchessofspork · 28/02/2024 20:55

It’s hard to tell right now, it could just be work, it could be he is not as interested as you. So I wouldn’t go all in until he’s free enough for it to be clear.

Hillrunning · 28/02/2024 21:03

I'm shocked that he even found time to see you the amount he has in the final months of a PhD. Everyone I know hardly found the time to shower. It is a monumental task for most. Totally OK for you to be sad but there doesn't sound like there is a single reason to worry.

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