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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder if he was trying to hint to me last night

73 replies

Ifyoubelieve · 28/02/2024 16:25

I've liked a colleague for quite a few weeks, we get on really well and I thought there was a mutual attraction. I took the plunge and asked him for a coffee yesterday, and we got on great.
We got into past relationship history and he started talking about how he 'keeps it outside of work now ' because of past experiences, and doesn't get involved with colleagues anymore.
Not heard from him today. I guess that was his polite way of saying he isn't interested? I need to just move on.
I've never seen him dating anyone from our workplace but there are more men than women.

OP posts:

goingdownfighting · 28/02/2024 18:44

Ok so let's look at it the other way.

If he liked you in that way then he definitely would not have said that he doesn't date work colleagues.

PastorCarrBonarra · 28/02/2024 18:45

You can ride this out. Just act normal and friendly. Go for coffee again, like platonic mates do. Don’t alter your behaviour.

TheNinny · 28/02/2024 18:46

I accepted lunch once with a colleague who i knew was interested, but he put me on the spot and I thought it’d be more awkward to say no as we got along etc and i didn’t have an excuse to hand right away, then didn’t want to give a fake reason later on (I was not very experienced in dating do/dont though). I told him at the lunch that i wasn’t interested in dating anyone at the moment, wasn’t over an ex (mostly true). He said that was fine and a few days later asked dinner after work.
Thinking it was as friends i agreed as I’d thought i’d been clear. He then asked why If agreed to go out again if not interested 🙈 I’d genuinely thought it was as friends. Back at work I sensed a bit of distain from other colleagues who knew i’d said no to him, and were annoyed on his behalf.

So I think he was likely being polite and friendly, if you were indeed friends and getting along. I think most guys will ask if interested, especially as you’ve already been out before. so see if he suggests anything down the line. He may realise it’s worth dating someone from work after all.

LilacCrab · 28/02/2024 18:52

I think it's cruel to accept a coffee or lunch when you know the other person fancies you and you don't or do but want nothing of it.

You might be friends one day, i doubt it, but definitely not while someone is pining for the other. You just know the moment you say yes to it they will be ecstatic, looking forward to a 'date'. It's cruel to mislead and string along. That is for the replies praising him for being so nice and for other comments who did this to someone. I would have rathered my invitation was declined. Now if he thought it was just friendship and was clueless until he later thought more about it and had already accepted then fair enough.

toomanyleggings · 28/02/2024 18:54

He’s not interested. I wouldn’t even say this was a hint. He’s told you outright

HVPRN · 28/02/2024 18:56

Not interested. 100%. He was being polite accepting the invite, and polite to let you know he isn't interested, in a kind way.

Immemorialelms · 28/02/2024 18:57

He totally would date a work colleague if he fancied one.

And I'd accept a coffee from someone I thought might fancy me- partly to get to know them better and find out if I fancied them.

Even if he said yes to the coffee thinking it was a date, he owes you nothing more.

It's just polite to not make it about the person. "I'm not ready for dating right now" is similar.

Lurkingandlearning · 28/02/2024 19:18

DryIce · 28/02/2024 16:58

I mean he could be interested, I.e. your I tuition wasn't lying, but still doesn't want to risk a workplace relationship even so.

I think he handled it very nicely, he's obviously close enough to go for a coffee so you can be friends and there's no embarrassment

Good for you asking him though! Making the first move is hard!

I was going to post more or less the same. When you’ve been aware of him looking at you in a way that seemed to you that he is attracted to you, I bet you’re right. Sometimes it shows even if we don’t want it to. He didn’t say he’s not attracted to you, he said he will not date colleagues, so it’s just that rule trumps any attraction he has for you.

It’s a shame but no reflection on you.

KissMyArt · 28/02/2024 19:22

Creatureofhabit87 · 28/02/2024 16:39

Are you the same poster who keeps repetitively asking this?! Very familiar same last threads…

I was going to ask this too!

Almost identical in wording, so I'm surprised it's not.

He's made his position clear OP, at least you know where you stand.

NecessaryNC24 · 28/02/2024 19:25

Ifyouhavetoask99 · 28/02/2024 17:48

Wonder why he won’t get involved with a colleague ? What environment are you working in? I agree with the poster who suggested he was being polite by accepting the coffee, it’s good that you know where you stand now anyway!

Work relationships are best avoided if you want to be taken seriously professionally- goes for both sexes.

Plus these days it's an HR Minefield.

Starspangledrodeopony · 28/02/2024 19:54

Some of these posts…

Mumsnet seems to enjoy taking an opportunity to scoff at a woman who they’ve decided was embarrassingly keen.

(Which you weren’t by the way, OP)

OoohLovelySlippers · 28/02/2024 20:01

If he was interested he would have asked you out.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 28/02/2024 20:30

Never mix business with pleasure and never shag the help. One of you will have to leave if there is a relationship breakdown. Meet someone at a book club or pub. Be creative and keep work separate most people value and love their jobs and will not give it up.

Jl2014 · 28/02/2024 20:47

He’s told you straight out he’s not interested!!! It’s not a hint!

sliceofcarrotcake · 28/02/2024 21:14

He’s not interested. Don’t read anymore into it and no need for being awkward, just be mates.

Bringtheweatherwithyou · 28/02/2024 22:18

Jl2014 · 28/02/2024 20:47

He’s told you straight out he’s not interested!!! It’s not a hint!

This.

And I think its unfair of posters to harp on to the OP saying he might be interested etc. He told her he wasn't interested. The OP needs to respect what the man said.

Noseybookworm · 28/02/2024 22:24

Ifyoubelieve · 28/02/2024 16:31

True, though he accepted the coffee, he could've just said no? When I asked for the coffee he said he'd love to. I don't get why he accepted it just to come and tell me he's not interested in me?

Show quote history

Maybe he's trying to let you know that he just wants to be friends? I would go for coffee with a colleague and not think that signifies that I want to date him.

Whatthefnow · 28/02/2024 22:38

My ex colleague told me he doesn't get involved with colleagues.

Then he left the job and we got together.

Into our third year now and I'm mad about him 😊

Tel12 · 28/02/2024 22:55

It seems to me that his response was right. You feel a bit awkward now, imagine dating then splitting up a few months down the line. More than awkward.

Lavenderandbrown · 28/02/2024 23:00

Good on you op for asking him out and taking a chance. Dating at any age takes some courage and confidence and you have both. He very well may find you attractive and be flattered but is choosing not to date you or not “fish from the company dock.” No shame my friend. Keep looking and plenty of couples started in the workplace so it wasn’t a reach. Coffee is coffee in my opinion. Leave it at that with him.

PieonaBarm · 28/02/2024 23:31

I had a colleague that said this. He's now snoring next to me after 17 years together, married for 9 of them. If he's interested he'll come again.

skmissty · 28/02/2024 23:46

WhatHeSaid33 · 28/02/2024 17:48

Ah, you can ride it out… in a few weeks ask him for another one and just be really matey like it was always just a mates thing.

I’d have probably said “oh no, that’s a shame because I have a massive crush on you and thought we’d get married and invite everyone from work to the wedding” - followed by a sweet (sardonic) eye fluttering smile

Don't do this 😂😂😂

AndiOliversGlasses · 28/02/2024 23:51

You’re colleagues. I imagine he agreed to the coffee as some sort of networking or team building thing. Entirely normal. Did he talk about work at all?

He’s been very clear with you.

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