To wonder if he was trying to hint to me last night

[Ifyoubelieve]

I've liked a colleague for quite a few weeks, we get on really well and I thought there was a mutual attraction. I took the plunge and asked him for a coffee yesterday, and we got on great.
We got into past relationship history and he started talking about how he 'keeps it outside of work now ' because of past experiences, and doesn't get involved with colleagues anymore.
Not heard from him today. I guess that was his polite way of saying he isn't interested? I need to just move on.
I've never seen him dating anyone from our workplace but there are more men than women.

I know that, but me asking him for the coffee could've just been ambiguous, he clearly took it that I was definitely interested, even though as another poster pointed out, men and women can go for coffee platonically.

Don't let this put you off approaching men in future. And well done for making a move, it's not easy. Nevermind. Onwards and upwards.

Thank you, I appreciate you saying that.

Why can't you just be friends with the guy?

You said you got on really well. Friendships are really valuable.

I'm sure we can be friends, just feel a bit awkward

Don't be awkward. Just carry on being friendly and show no awkwardness!

That's what I was planning to do, I mean I feel embarrassed inside. I won't be asking him for coffee again.

I mean he could be interested, I.e. your I tuition wasn't lying, but still doesn't want to risk a workplace relationship even so.

I think he handled it very nicely, he's obviously close enough to go for a coffee so you can be friends and there's no embarrassment

Good for you asking him though! Making the first move is hard!

he accepted the coffee, he could've just said no? When I asked for the coffee he said he'd love to. I don't get why he accepted it just to come and tell me he's not interested in me?

Because he took your suggestion of coffee at face value and wanted to do that, but also wanted to be clear that's all it was? What is he supposed to do? If he assumed it was a date that would be presumptuous. If he didn't say anything you might have thought it was a date and been hurt when you felt strung along. He's handled it pretty well. The door is open for you to remain friends if you want to, or distance yourself if you prefer.

In all my working years, I have never refused having a coffee with a colleague, male or female and neither has anyone refused me. Don't read too much into his acceptance.

I’m pretty sure! Ahh well!!

You're pretty much the only person who seems to think so 😂

True, I mean there was nothing for him to handle, it wasn't a date for me either, just a chance to talk to him more. I just misread his signals prior to it I think.

100% this. All he’s done is agree to coffee with a colleague and then very explicitly stated he’s not interested in any kind of relationship with you.

He was right to do that because you have been reading into his “looking at you” and “frequent chats” as him being interested in you romantically, so he’s handled the situation well and very respectfully shut it down to avoid any confusion or miscommunication.

Wonder why he won’t get involved with a colleague ? What environment are you working in? I agree with the poster who suggested he was being polite by accepting the coffee, it’s good that you know where you stand now anyway!

Ah, you can ride it out… in a few weeks ask him for another one and just be really matey like it was always just a mates thing.

I’d have probably said “oh no, that’s a shame because I have a massive crush on you and thought we’d get married and invite everyone from work to the wedding” - followed by a sweet (sardonic) eye fluttering smile

I would say you might be right that he's interested, he then agreed to coffee but may have got cold feet in between times and remembered it's risky to have a work romance so he dropped it into conversation. But I'd continue being friendly but make it seem more buddy than flirty

This.

I think only one PP has said the obvious that I am thinking, to actually take him at his word.

He is interested but, probably sensibly, doesn’t date colleagues.

If either of you change jobs, it is worth revisiting.

I won't be asking him for coffee again.

It would be less awkward, I think, to ask him for coffee again in a few weeks, and talk to him about the sorts of things work colleagues and work friends talk about. Anything that comes up that is too personal, gently segue back to more worky things.

You could see if he arranges the next one after that a month or so hence, or make sure it's not just you that initiates appropriate text exchanges. Dial it back a bit anyway, and then you can fade it/him out into the work background if it's only you initiating, or if you seem to be becoming actual friends then it'll find its own level.

(Cringing inside if you must until that passes and you are just friends. Don't do the above if you have a tendency to hold out hope though, do what you know deep down will work best for you.)

No worries OP. If you don't ask you definitely don't get, so it was worth a try :)

You took a risk and he let you down gently and was nice about it. It might feel a bit awkward, but at least you know where you stand. I think you should be proud of yourself for taking a chance and it sounds like you handled it gracefully too. Better than waiting and wondering. And it doesn't mean you can't be friends.

I think that was his way of letting you down gently. Sorry.

Sometimes you just get on well with someone. I have a male work best friend. Guarantee neither of us is interested in anything more, he's married with kids, I have a partner and I know I'm not interested, and I can't see why he would be. We've met for tea virtually and face to face many times, and we work away occasionally and meet up for dinner. We share some values and opinions on specific topics and we're both a shoulder to cry on for the other when work is annoying.

I guess this guy just wants to be friends, you get on well, he just wanted to put that stake down so you know what the situation is. You can still get on well and go for coffee, that would be very normal!

Sounds like he didn’t want to say no to coffee but equally wanted to make sure you are clear that he’s not for you.