At the end of my tether with DH

[07whatever]

Full context so not to drip feed.
2 DC, both with SEN and one ND.
As you can imagine, tons of appts literally all the time.
Both self employed, DH works from home in the evening mostly when children are in bed.
I have recently been diagnosed with stage 2 hypertension so have been having tests etc to see if there's any underlying cause. Been anxious and worried about it as I'm only in my 30's.
I'm the only driver in the house.
Car needs to go into the garage this morning, have an appt at home, need to take urine samples to GP and to pick up perscriptions and take them to the pharmacy, pick up DC 2 from school and make a few phonecalls/emails. Pretty full on day.
I forget to put the tea in the slow cooker and just say to my DH that I need some mental support as I have a lot on at the moment and could do with a hand (I cook all teas, arrange all appts, drive everywhere, do all the laundry and cleaning amongst other things)
He comes back with "you need to organise yourself more" and that's it.
No offer of help, nothing.
I am getting so fed up with his attitude that everything falls on me. Both of the DC come to me for mental support and if they need anything. He tends to just sit on his phone watching videos on TikTok or scrolling through FB.
AIBU to ask him for a little bit of help? He seems to not realise how much I do and sort out. He just has to show up.
Getting to the end of my tether and my body is starting to feel like I've had enough, headaches, exhaustion, heart palpitations, being unable to sleep at night.

What. I can't even... what? There are no words for that. Make a list of all you do, a list of all he does, put them down in front of him and ask him why.

Yes, you’re unreasonable to ask for ‘help’. Help comes from people who aren’t responsible for the issue. DH should also be responsible managing the household bis children’s needs.

You need to sit down together and divide up the chores.

This man serves zero purpose except a great lesson in misogyny to your kids. Divorce the wanker, as a treat for yourself.

Give your head a wobble and ask yourself why you put up with this? What is the purpose of him when you carry the entire load. Urgh how can you even stand to look at him.
I disagree that you need to write a list and divide chores. He has eyes and a brain, he can see what needs doing.

I think he’s got a point, it’s time to
prioritise what you do starting with not doing anything for him. Organise your time so that you can’t do his laundry or anything else that benefits the sob

im in the midst of a menopausal meltdown today and, frankly I’d have pinned him against the wall and told him to fucking man up and pull his weight!

So what does he do all day?

YANBU but that’s obvious.

Also was just going to ask this, If he works in the evenings what does he do in the day!?

He’s a lazy dickhead. How you choose to deal with it is up to you but I think you need to think about how you got to this situation- why are you the one who cooks? Why is all the mental load on you. Why can’t he do drop offs and pick ups if he’s not working during the day?

I’d say prioritise the jobs you absolutely can’t see go to shit (like prescriptions, medical appointments), you keep doing those, and tell him that he is in charge of an equal share of the other categories like cooking, washing, school pick ups etc. Assume he’s going to do them in a shit fashion for a couple of weeks, but don’t waver.

If this doesn’t work or it doesn’t improve then realistically you need to get yourself out of the relationship. Not only is it making you unwell, but it’s setting a shocking example for your kids.

Follow @@YesThatsATurdOnTheRug suggestion. I did this with my DH many years ago. I watched for a couple of weeks and listed everything I did and everything he did and then showed him the lists. It just hadn't occurred to him how much I was doing to be honest and he was really shocked. To me it was blindingly obvious, but he had been totally oblivious because his life was comfortable and he hadn't bothered to open his eyes and see what was being done. To be fair he is a good man and believe or not a great husband. As soon as it was pointed out to him, he changed his ways and was much better. He totally took over everything when I had cancer a couple of years ago and has continued like that ever since so I definitely have no grounds for complaint now, in fact I'm guiltily aware that he should be the one complaining!

Organise yourself better by not cooking for him or doing his laundry, or cleaning up after him. Stop driving for him unless it benefits you too. Create more time for you at night by forgoing sex. Your "free" time will rapidly add up.

After a couple of weeks if he hasn't seen the error of his ways, start looking at what he adds to your life. Money isn't everything.

You don’t need anyone on here to tell you what you already know.

The question is not whether YABU or not. You know full well that you’re not..

The FACT is that no person deserves to be treated like this…especially a mum to two high need children, you know that.

The question is what are you going to do to change this. Because you deserve change.

Sending strength and love x

Is he looking after the children in the day and working at night? Or not.

Agree with this poster. That man is a fucking joke.

He's not pulling his weight. And saying you are disorganised when you are asking for help is gaslighting. What a catch . Wgat is ge adding to your life? Why isnt your GP practice sending the prescription direct to the pharmacy you use tho, so you just get the meds when they're ready? That's standard where I live (London).

Do you ever need to drive him anywhere because you need to knock that shit on the head for a start. Tell him he needs to organise himself more. Fucking knobber.

Don't ask him for 'a little bit of help' OP he needs a giant kick up the arse! Give him a list of things to do and tell him he's been taking the piss up til now and that he needs to pull his weight. If he doesn't, go on strike for a few days so he can see how quickly things fall apart around the house when you're not doing it all! You need to start taking care of yourself - once you've fed the kids tonight, take yourself off for a nice soak in the bath and then to bed with a book. If the kids need anything tell them to go and ask dad!

Only you can decide how to live your life, but this really should be an absolute deal breaker for your marriage.

I would stop doing anything for him and I'd be informing him that I'm filing for divorce. He's despicable.

What they all said.

Well your obviously NBU except for allowing this dynamic to continue and his comment would of had me absolutley raging! He is lazy and selfish. You need to tell him that from now hes got to pull his weight start doing a fair share of the load or you quite simply wont be doing anything else for him anymore. Although as others have said I dont know how you could stand to be around him anymore really.

Yeah... he's right, you need to organise yourself more.

So ditch anything he can do - cooking, cleaning, arranging kids appointments, any chores he can do on foot/public transport. Make sure to tell him this, only fair... 'I've organised my time better by re-allocating jobs to you. Up to you how you organise them of course...'

Free up some time, I am pretty sure the underlying cause of your hypertension is your DP!

Don't give him a list of things to do, that's just more work for you. He knows already what you do, but he doesn't care. What is the point of him being in your life?

Was he always like this?

'Help'?

As a fellow SEN mum I can assure you that doing it alone is so much easier than trying to do it alone filled with SO MUCH resentment at your husband. I was in this situation and got rid because I was doing it alone anyway. He was basically like another child to look after.

This is a form of abuse.
He's watching you physically fall apart pulling his weight for him and doesn't care.
He doesn't even care about his own children.
This is unforgivable and so far beyond list writing and laundry strikes.