Wedding attending drama

[Henrietta75]

My mother is in her 60's and is selfish, arrogant, narcissistic, manipulative and cold. And that's just a Monday. If everything isn't about her she flips out and wants to be centre of attention.
My 4 younger siblings validate her insanity and my poor timid father has to go along with all the drama. She falls out with everybody and they all have a problem - and it's not her ever.
As the eldest, Ive battled her over the years and sometimes gave in (to much later rage upon reflection) but as i approach my late 40's myself with grown up kids Ive begun to deal with her less and less and observed how deeper shes losing her humanity and yet claims to be a bit more religious than the rest of the family.
Complete paradox!
The latest drama is her nephew is marrying his only son so its a big shindig with our massive entire clan attending this showpiece and a chance for relatives to catchup after many years on a happy occasion as theres been many people passing away sadly.
By providence, shes gone and booked in advance a very expensive holiday abroad and so will miss the wedding and has 'refused' us to attend as she wont be there to watch us. Shes tried every trick in the book, "they haven't invited us properly", "they don't want us there" threw a tantrum, acted like it's life and death if she doesn't get her way, rang my partner up during the middle of a working day, rang my brother whilst on a work trip abroad all whilst twisting facts to support her non attendance narrative. I've politely told her that unless you give me a reasonable objection on us not attending we'll be going. She's now threatened to have a falling out over this - I said her Grandkids (all young adults) I can't shield them anymore from your toxic behaviour and they'll see for themselves. Frankly, our relationship is at the most strained level it has ever been and she'd probably do me a favour by not speaking to me for a bit. At least twice a month it's someone's birthday or anniversary and we get together for half a day to celebrate including 2 days over Christmas back to back. My father knows these get togethers will be jeopardised if she causes a stink so they have more to lose. I also told my partner a few months ago that due to her unraveling it's only a matter of time now before she brings these get togethers to an end. AIBU for attending the wedding because it will 'upset' my mother ?

Of course you should attend if you want to go. It sounds like your mother has a lot of issues. I really don't think you should pay her any heed.

YANBU in the slightest, and at least if you go others might feel emboldened to do the same.

Can you explain this bit though?
her nephew is marrying his only son
Do you mean your cousins son is getting married? You say it as though you don't have a relationship with the family getting married?

My lovely nephew (who is 15) attended my wedding last year despite his mother (my sister) engineering a massive drama 6 days beforehand that meant she, her equally arrogant husband and my youngest DN refusing to come. He just ignored her attention seeking behaviour and had a great time. He was 15 and managed to ignore his mother's manipulation. You as a grown adult can do the same.

Go to the wedding and have a nice time.

You don't have to discuss your social plans with your mum - I wouldn't say anything. In fact, if I thought it would shut her up, I'd say, "ok I won't go".

Sorry that's yes my cousin's son. It's her side of the family so over the years she has had more 'say' when it's her side. She's tried to pull that shit on my fathers side but he once in 20 years had the balls to ignore her so now his 2 sisters and 1 brother don't contact my father anymore because of her.

I applaud that young man. Wish I had his confidence at that age. My life would have been a bit different.

Your father losing contact with his own siblings is so sad.

I would go for sure. You'll most likely need to rsvp directly as I wouldn't trust your mum not to send a blanket decline.

Your father must be bonkers for staying in this marriage for so long, tolerating her sh*t and letting her poison his children and all these family relationships.
Your siblings are also bonkers, sounds like you are the only sensible person in your family regarding her behaviour.
Take a stand, go NC, whatever you want to do for yourself. Who needs a "mother" like her?

This is the problem the kind of people like your mother and my sister. When they are capitulated to their whole life the only people winning end up being them. Being difficult serves them and nobody else and they never, ever show any curiousity or care for others, if they are challenged the strike out and cut people off but let them. It's a nicer life to be cut off. Best thing that's ever happened to my wellbeing is no longer dealing with my sister.

There are entire families who lose out because people pleasers who just want a quiet life give in and don't challenge these people. But a Mumsnetter called billy something on here really walked me through how damaging to your own family and yourself it is to people please and not advocate for yourself and refuse to let these people walk all over you. You seem like you are breaking the chain though, keep going. It's really hard but you MUST stand your ground here. It really is life changing and life improves massively when you draw your line in the sand and say no.

It is amazing the lengths they will go to to control their family. My MIL would be and is in similar situations. The last family wedding we attended was at a barn with a large room and garden but also had a small room where guests could sit out of the way of the party if they wanted to. She expected us all to spend the evening with her in this room. Fortunately , like the OP, my DH is the one who refuses to be manipulated. The rest of the family dutifully sat with MIL. My DS and his cousin took the opportunity to party ( they were mid teens) had a brilliant night while DH and I sat outside with friends, catching up and drinking without MIL tutting and passing judgement.
Sometimes you just have to do what you want to do and refuse to be manipulated.

Years ago my parents kept saying it would be their dream to go to India with us as a family together. That's nice. Years rolled by and they never did anything concrete but went themselves several times and often at short notice.
One day my mother in law asks if my partner would like to go with them as a family, I got invited too but because of work commitments I wouldn't be able to. So I said to my partner you go and I'll keep the kids. We went round (out of courtesy) to tell my mother and she threw the biggest hissy fit in my entire life. They want to take 'us' first. Being a bit more naive I eventually caved in (all the things got thrown at me selfish, arrogant etc.) and so my partner to keep the peace didn't go. Tragically my mother in law died of cancer a few years later and now my partner will never have that opportunity again. It's fills me with rage and sadness in equal measure that I they missed out due to my mother's insanity. That experiences' rage is probably what is driving this now.

You bloody well better go op! I have The Rage on your behalf!

Looking back I can't help feeling sorry for her in some way as she must not have any kind of happiness in her, moments of levity must cause her pain. She has 3 sisters and each one their first granddaughters are the apple of their eyes and in some cases closer to the Gran than their own mothers. I've observed this real close bond between my aunts and their Granddaughters- all except my mother and my daughter. She's bright, intelligent and funny and I'm at a loss to explain why she's so cold towards her own grand daughter.
I need distance from her as I can't take the toxicity!

I strongly suspect that your cousin's son timed the wedding date to coincide with a date that he knew she would be unavailable.

I've an aunt exactly like your mother and she wreaked havoc on our wedding day. And the stupid thing was, we know what she's like! She's got a long history of form for this behaviour. We know that if she's not the only guest of honour she throws her toys out of the pram. Nothing is ever her fault, not even her tantrums.

If I was doing it all again, I would have left her out of it altogether. I mean, she wouldn't have spoken to me and caused ructions but as it was she caused ructions and I plan on never speaking to her again as a result so the ultimate fallout would have been identical.

It sounds like you've allowed her to have an unhealthy amount of influence in your life. Why on earth wouldn't your partner go to India with his family just because your mother threw a fit? Why would you allow her to influence your decisions? Of course you should go to the wedding and if she doesn't like it, that's tough luck for her! Honestly, I'm not sure why you have any contact with her at all if she's as unpleasant as you say?

From the age of 19 I've been under her 'rule'. Her aggressive, matriarchal personality dominated the family with my soft Father bow to every whim. How to dress, who to talk to (or not to talk to) where to go etc. Didn't know any different!
Every year when my partner left to see his parents for a couple of weeks, she would lash out at me on all the things we have said or done that was bothering her. Began to fear her always. As I moved out my confidence grew albeit slowly and it dawned on me by meeting new people that I was living a normal life and she was insane.
Her arrogance would make a Tory MP wince. I'm the black sheep (married 28 years, 3 normal educated kids, husband, job I love and charity works I do) because I stand up to her. My sisters listen to her shit week on week but never correct her. Sad!

So she doesn’t want you to go because she’s not available to attend? Is that her reason?

Wouldn’t you not going let the side down? Could you try that argument? I don’t get her logic here.

I really don't understand why nobody else can go to the wedding because she made the choice not to or why anyone else would even consider not going just because she isn't ? She is deliberately trying to stop the whole family attending ... she sounds a tad unhinged.

Reasons I've been given not to attend :

• they haven't invited us properly (got the same invite as everyone else)
• the grooms father is an arsehole show off and doesn't want us there (we've known and spoke about it for 25 years)
• their family are currently in-fighting (all their weddings have some tensions)
• it's a long drive (2.5 hours)
• How dare (seriously) her sister pick up the phone and invite us personally

Oh wait the best one - the grooms grandad didn't didn't acknowledge us properly on his other grandsons wedding they went to a couple of years back - the man's now passed away. Yep unhinged.

Ignore ignore and ignore her tantrums. So much easier said than done I know but just treat her like you would have done one o e of your kids when they were a toddler having a tantrum.

And go to the wedding, have an amazing time

Why on earth did you go to tell your mother that your partner was going to India with his family? Out of courtesy? I can't believe that not only did you pay a special visit to tell her but that you actually pressurised your partner not to go!

Probably a week does not go by when I rage at my weakness and stupidity looking back at that situation. I was being bullied and intimidated by both parents ganging up on me. My partner is a people pleaser and went along with it albeit heartbroken.
I want to spend the rest of my life making it up to my partner.

Wow, those reasons your Mum has given for you not to attend. She really is crackers isn’t she!

I have a DM whose behaviour can be horrendous, I’ve actually been NC with her for about 4 years now, but I was the only one in the family to ever call out her outrageous behaviour. My sisters still put up with it and pander to her.

Before I went NC, I used to just use the same phase with her, when she came out with something outrageous - may not be for everyone though. I would just say ‘For goodness sake, seriously, just piss off’. There was never my point in trying to argue back or get her to see reason. She just got ‘for goodness sake, seriously, just piss off’ and I would leave the room or just leave her house.

The last 4 years have been lovely not having to deal with her.

I'm going and that's that !