I don't want to be friends with my long-term SIL - AIBU?

[InTheEndIGaveUp]

I met my DH in 6th Form, and we are now in our 50's, as is my SIL. We have been married since our mid 20's. You'll agree that is a long time to all know each other.

During this time, my SIL has been a thorn in my side, and caused a lot of problems between me and their family. I got on well with MIL and even FIL when on our own, but when SIL is there, it all changes.

In summary, SIL is/ was very insecure and she was very jealous of DH and I and the life we created, which to be fair is just like most couples; house, car, kids, holidays and days out. On the other hand, she has had a number of long term partners that didn't work out.

In the past my SIL has made it very difficult to have a relationship with MIL. In fact, my MIL has to covertly tip toe around her to spend time with my DC. A few examples taken from the massive list are; MIL stopped staying overnight with us on DC's birthdays as SIL got upset. At a wedding I was at the wash basin, and 2 of my DH's relatives were talking in connecting cubicles about me, saying SIL had said I had MH issues and was a psycho. I called her out on this, and my FIL stepped in to defend SIL. I have no respect for FIL either, he's a dickhead. I was once very ill, and was recuperating and looked like death. SIL came round and was so ecstatic at the sight of me, that my MIL had to take her aside to tell her to stop. Finally, my marriage has not always been perfect. We met as teens, and have been together 30+ years. During a couple of wobbles, my SIL and my PIL dropped me like a hot coal. In fact they went months without speaking to me, or my DC, and only did so when DH and I got back together. During that time my SIL did everything she could to keep us apart, and even encouraged him to end it. These things are all still very raw in my mind. There are 100's of others. I have no relationship with her. I wouldn't even go for a coffee with her.

The issue now is that my SIL is now happy, in a long term relationship. Her partner has DC, a very large family, and she seems happy. However, now that she has domestic bliss, she seems to think her and my family should happily hang out together on special occasions and in-between. She wanted my family and her and her DH and SC to go away for the weekend. I said I was busy.

I don't want to hang out with her. She is someone I cannot trust. She is someone who just thinking about her, raises my blood pressure and anger.

She started to message me about upcoming birthdays, going away together, Christmas, Easter etc. and I just passed it over to DH to respond to her. Also, my DC are teens and early 20's and have no relationship with her, although she seems to think they see her as a beloved aunt, they really don't! They don't want to go over to hers, or they come here when it is a special occasion.

I just feel that I got to this age without a relationship with her. It would have been nice to be friends and be close. We could have had a great time. I am a loyal and good friend to others. I've thought about forgiving, but I still feel the seething, underlying resentment to me and then remember the things that have happened and I tell myself not to be a mug and trust her again.

At the moment I see her about twice a year. That is as much as I can stomach, and the least I can get away with, without causing a family argument. DH can go over as he likes, but I doubt he will. If MIL and FIL were no longer on this earth, I would tell her what I think of her, and it wouldn't be very nice.

Who is BU here? Me or SIL?

Your SIL sounds like an utter, evil bitch. The bit about her being ecstatic at you being at death’s door and her encouraging her brother to leave when you had your rocky patch seals her fate.

Please avoid her for life. Sounds like DH is on board.

Why do you see her twice a year? Please don’t say you host the bitch for Christmas?

Some things you don’t get a second (56th perhaps ) go at, and for your sil that’s a friendship with you. She well and truly poured petrol on that, lit it on fire and danced as it burned. You just say no thank you and if she says no you have to it’ll be SO FUN I think you are right to say calmly but point blank I simply don’t hang out with people who have told people I’m a mentally ill psycho or who have celebrated every misfortune or illness in my life. Life is too short for that.

YANBU. She wants to present as a family person to her new DP because he is. Don't buy into it. And definitely don't be pressurised into it.

YANBU. She can’t undo the harm she has done. She is not someone you should want to spend time with or tolerate.
Why should you play happy families? If you want to tolerate her for a few hours twice a year for DH and MIL then you are a saint. If DH wants more then he can do it without you . Your children can also decide for themselves.

I would reply to her, “SIL, you have been horrible to me for 30 years. I am not bringing my family on holiday with you. The kids have already said no.”

As a PP said, she is trying to appear family orientated to impress her new partner. Don’t let her.

You are right not to trust her OP. This is not a real friendship she wants.

People like this have an uncanny ability to re-write history and forget the awful stuff they have done. I wouldn't bother with any confrontation as it will not go well just keep a distance.

There's a person like this in DH's family and I am polite and civil but there's nothing there whatsoever as the damage was done years ago.

Protect yourself. Keep saying no better still get dh to keep saying no as well .That friendship boat has well sailed. Kids are good at seeing through people and yours are of an age they will have formed their relationship with her already . It doesn't matter what she wants they are in charge .
Wishing you well

SIL is BU.

Your grown up kids don't want to play happy families. Neither do you.

Tell DH if he wants to go he can. (He won't).

If she's messaging you a lot I'd suggest saying to her that DH deals with all of that and don't get back to her.

You can have three layers of defence:

1 just don't reply for at least a few days
2 if she nags you say oh sorry I was busy and forgot your message
3 if she nags you after that say DH deals with all of that.

This.
YANBU

OP does not need 3 levels of defence. She just needs to tell SIL that she wants nothing to do with her and will not debase herself by pretending that all is well
Simple

I actually had a conversation with my DH about families due to my SIL this week. He was trying to justify her behaviour and that I should be respectful (ha!) to her as she is a relative and his sister.
My words were 'I married you, on the strength of you. I did not marry your family, not would I have given the choice."

I have two SIL, both are considerably old enough to be my mum. I do not need a replacement mum. I was quite happy leaving mine for dust at 16 after getting sick of her abusive behaviour. So to me, families are fine, but not necessary once you reach a certain age if they add no value to your life.

The one we were discussing has actively acted like a complete bitch to me. She is smug. She married well but thinks she is an expert on life when you are struggling, as we are currently due to circumstances we didn't cause.

As if our situation isn't difficult and upsetting enough, she has to add to it. If I bite my tongue much more I will have a piercing.

I've been with DH since 18. I'm now mid 40s. They've always been rude and it's been made clear by the other one that I'm not good enough in her view for their brother.

DD has SEN and is about to lose her temper because she has now started to make her miserable with her unasked for and wholly incorrect "advice".

I am now going NC. I already had one blocked on my phone and I don't do social media (except here) so no issue there. The other will shortly be joining her.

I advise you to move on. She adds nothing of merit to your life. If it was a casual acquaintance, even a friend of some time scale, you wouldn't put up with it.

Just bear in mind what I said, we marry our partner not the hangover of family politics and personalities. I don't feel bad at all for cutting mine off. Quite the opposite.

Your DH can deal with her- I've never told mine he can't continue a relationship if he wishes with them. I'm under no obligation to.

There are a few people I'm not going to forgive, ever; I just don't dwell on it. But that only works because I rarely if ever have anything to do with them. Hanging out with your tormentor because "be the bigger person" 'n' shit would only make you feel ill, while she'd be happily oblivious.

If she'd finally had a moment of clarity and genuinely changed, well, that would be great, but forgiving her is your choice and it doesn't seem as if you are in that space (unsurprisingly). But where's the bit about her seeing the light and apologising for her behaviour over the last 30 years? Spectacularly missing, that's where. It's all about what she wants, even after all this time. You're not supposed to have feelings of your own, you're supposed to fit into whatever niche in her life she's placed you at the time, whether enemy or friend. You're not a real human being to her. And that's not a thing it's safe to forget.

Ahh, you have confirmed my suspicions that she’s doing it to make herself look like she’s a family oriented person, with a great family herself and we all get along swimmingly, with her, the beloved, cool aunty.

He’s got a massive family, as he’s got lots of siblings and n&n’s close to his DC and they spend a lot of time together. My SIL is trying to get into a routine with us, as in, last Christmas she spent it with DP’s side, now it’s her sides turn. Same with Easter etc.

It’s now clear to me what she’s doing. I’m so dim. I was confused as to why she suddenly wants to play happy families with us. It’s not because she wants to know me, or my DC.

My MIL is visibly upset at the pushing back, and I think she’s on the verge of saying something to me, but I don’t care. Now I know why SIL is doing it, I feel much better saying no.

Wow, what a performance. Those posters saying it’s all about her, are dead right. She wants the scene to look like this, and we are the walk on parts.

You're not a real human being to her. And that's not a thing it's safe to forget.

That is exactly how I feel.

Stay strong and keep her at arms length. Karmas a bitch.
And make sure dc doesn't weaken
If he wants to play happy families send him on your own! Have a staycation with your older kids
Good luck

We don’t need all that detail, OP. She’s a connection by marriage who’s only in your life because of who you married — sometimes that turns into friendship, sometimes not. This one didn’t. She doesn’t get to unilaterally change that after 30 years.

YANBU - the best she can hope for her is cordial and not ripping her face off on special occasions (as long as those special occasions don't overrun an hour).

I'd keep my distance, no need to tell her and air it - just be cordial and "ah sorry we are busy that day" - but i never told you the day? yeah I'm still busy.

Nothing dictates that you "have" to make allowances and interact with someone you feel so aggrieved too - and in all honesty, the people telling you to do so, telling you to forget your past hurt and swallow your angst and interact with her - they would be a massive red flag to me also. They don't care about you - or rather they care about appearances more.

I'd literally ignore the messages. If you want, you can pass them to DH. It sounds like he's on the same page but if there's any doubt, just tell him that he can safely assume it's always a "no" from you.

If either MIL or SIL say anything to you directly and you can't ignore it, just be honest. Keep it very brief. "I'm positive that SIL would agree we've never been close and our relationship has been very strained at times. I'm happy to continue being civil and courteous on the occasions we see each other but no, I don't want a closer relationship with her. We are very different people".

Don't be drawn into any kind of argument or further discussion about it. Don't give it oxygen.

This. She can F off with her let's play happy families. Leopards don't change their spots. She will pull this sort of thing with partners family too.

Similar situation. I am
totally NC with SIL. DP is very LC with her- family funerals that kind of thing, plus sends a birthday/Christmas card/present so MIL isn’t upset.

She has proven she can’t be trusted.

My MIL is visibly upset at the pushing back, and I think she’s on the verge of saying something to me, but I don’t care. Now I know why SIL is doing it, I feel much better saying no.

Bluntly let her be upset.
I would not be indulging any of this nonsense others are correct it isso she can pretend shes marvellous.
I wouldn't play along. If i was feeling particularly petty I'd maybe make a point of sending DH solo for extra awkwardness

I would send her a message stating very clearly “If you need to discuss family things, please do so with members of your family. I’m not interested in pretending that I have a relationship with you.”

so she can pretend shes marvellous

I’m actually sitting here with my chin on the floor, as you’ve all pointed it out to me so clearly. I suspected, but thought no one goes to that much effort to create such a world.

She does pretend she’s marvellous. I’ve had strangers (at BBQ’s, 50th parties I’ve had to suck up ) come up to me and tell me all about what my DC are doing, and how they’d seen the photos of them, did they get into that Uni for that course? I heard they got these grades at GCSE. I heard they got a blue belt in Karate? She doesn’t get this info off us. She gets it off PIL and disseminates it to her mates, with the tag line of look what my n&n’s are doing. Aren’t they great, and aren’t I a great Aunt by default? I was shocked. I had to ask them who they were talking about because my SIL has never once spent any time with my DC outside a family gathering and she’s bragging about my DC on her instagram and FB and sending her mates pictures of them.

I am so angry now the penny has dropped. The supply from my family for her narcissism is a mere trickle, but I’m now going to dry that up.

My SIL is trying to get into a routine with us, as in, last Christmas she spent it with DP’s side, now it’s her sides turn. Same with Easter etc.

Had she now asked you round to hers for Easter/xmas, @InTheEndIGaveUp ? Is your DH on board with not going?

She sounds horrible!