Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be worried about my boyfriend and his ex

27 replies

ToBiaa · 28/02/2024 06:08

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months. We has a young child with his ex, he told me they couldn’t make it work. But they try to be friendly for their child’s sake. She did not know about me prior to this situation.

Anyway a couple of weeks ago, around Valentine’s he was acting strangely, he just seemed distracted. I kept asking if he was okay he brushed me off. Things have been okay since between us.

But yesterday I received an message via Instagram. It’s his child’s mother, she found out about me through a mutual friend. She said he called her wanting to speak to her.

Somehow he had managed to get access to her iCloud Photos, he sat through looking for hours and spoke to her at length at what he had found, pictures from 3 years ago he was upset with her about. She said he was said he was hurt at the thought she was seeing someone else. Meanwhile im here? I don’t think her reasoning for contacting me were completely correct. He denies that what he does means he has feelings for her. But she also showed me a message from him asking the last time she had sex!

He maintains that it was just a shock to see her pictures, any questions he asks because it could change the nature of their co parenting

OP posts:
MississippiAF · 28/02/2024 06:11

Cut and run

Mothership4two · 28/02/2024 06:14

MississippiAF · 28/02/2024 06:11

Cut and run

Just this.

Lucky you have only been together months and not years (and don't have DC with him)

ToBiaa · 28/02/2024 06:25

the thing is there has been no drama until now

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 28/02/2024 06:26

Huge red flag. 100% cut and run!

PurpleFlower1983 · 28/02/2024 06:27

Be grateful you have found out so early on with no ties!

ToBiaa · 28/02/2024 06:28

Okay, thank you for your comments so far. I’m sorry if this seems dumb but I really struggle with social interaction and relationships. Why is this such a red flag?

OP posts:
bottomsup12 · 28/02/2024 06:30

It's a red flag because look how invested he is with her? Why is he asking the last time she had sex fgs? Why does he care? He cares too much about her sex life and going through her photos for hours is weird as hell

PerhapsaSillyQuestion · 28/02/2024 06:34

I don't understand the post.
He found her I could pics and she called you and the 3 of you were all discussing these pics in length!

AmazingBouncingFerret · 28/02/2024 06:35

It’s a red flag because when I heard the father of my children had met someone, my only thought was “is she nice to my children?” And I’m fairly sure that was his first thought when he knew I was serious about my now husband.
He’s obviously still committed to her. Which means he isn’t with you. Seven months together and he was distant for Valentine’s Day, it should have been a sickening display of romance at seven months! You can do better.

Theunamedcat · 28/02/2024 06:35

It's not easy to "accidentally" access someone's icloud

Cut and run

PurpleFlower1983 · 28/02/2024 06:36

ToBiaa · 28/02/2024 06:28

Okay, thank you for your comments so far. I’m sorry if this seems dumb but I really struggle with social interaction and relationships. Why is this such a red flag?

He’s controlling! He’s over-invested in an ex who he is clearly not over and displaying controlling behaviour at that. Being up happy with photos he has seen? It’s a huge, huge red flag! Run OP! Seriously! You’re lucky to she this insight now! I had one of these ‘men’ for 9 years. It was horrendous!

PurpleFlower1983 · 28/02/2024 06:37

Sorry for typos! ‘Lucky to have this insight now’ is what I meant!

misssunshine4040 · 28/02/2024 06:37

He's still in love with her, do you want to be someone's 2nd choice?

If she wanted him back he would go running........

He does not prioritise you as he's still into her: looking at her photos, asking who she's sleeping with. His ex is contacting you.

Get rid

ToBiaa · 28/02/2024 06:38

only they had a conversation about her pictures. Apparently they were on their child’s iPad which is how he saw the pictures. He didn’t hack her or anything.

She found out about me after this and decided to contact me about their recent conversations apart from the sec thing I just couldn’t really understand why it was such a bad thing

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 28/02/2024 06:40

The sex thing should be enough! It’s weird and creepy! He’s clearly jealous abs not over her. Why do you want that for yourself? To be second best?

Bubblybooboo · 28/02/2024 06:45

Asking his ex about sex and about if she has a new partner shows that he is controlling and lacks appropriate boundaries. It is not socially acceptable to speak to people about when they had sex and certainly not ok to ask an ex partner that persona information. They have split up and he has a new partner, you. His comment about his concerning being about their co parenting relationship doesn’t hold up. If that were true he would have asked her if she has a new partner and stated a conversation about how introductions to their child will be managed…not asked about sex. Also given he hadn’t told his ex about you, it seems unlikely he truly thinks he needs to have discussions about new partners for their “co-parenting relationship”, otherwise he’d have told her about you!!

Jump ship. He’s obsessed with trying to control his ex and will likely be just as shitty to you.

Bubblybooboo · 28/02/2024 06:47

Honestly if you can’t see the red flags in this behaviour it sounds as though you are quite vulnerable. Have you had abusive relationships in the past. It might be worth seeking support if you have, to try and protect yourself.

ToBiaa · 28/02/2024 07:15

I just couldn’t understand what he had seen that got him upset, I don’t think it’s particularly controlling look at the pictures. Maybe there is something wrong with me

OP posts:
Zodfa · 28/02/2024 07:53

Lots of men suddenly find they "can't make it work" once the baby arrives. I hope you interrogated him more thoroughly on his reasons for splitting up with her.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 28/02/2024 07:55

ToBiaa · 28/02/2024 06:25

the thing is there has been no drama until now

How much drama do you need?

As the first post said, cut and run.

People in healthy relationships don’t post about them on MumsNet.

NotQuiteNorma · 28/02/2024 07:59

ToBiaa · 28/02/2024 06:25

the thing is there has been no drama until now

That's because you didn't find out until now. He was contacting her behind your back about things nothing to do with co parenting. I'm not surprised she's told you. He's hurt she's could be having sex and there he is keeping you a secret.

NotQuiteNorma · 28/02/2024 08:03

ToBiaa · 28/02/2024 06:38

only they had a conversation about her pictures. Apparently they were on their child’s iPad which is how he saw the pictures. He didn’t hack her or anything.

She found out about me after this and decided to contact me about their recent conversations apart from the sec thing I just couldn’t really understand why it was such a bad thing

Apart from the sex thing? Is that alone not enough for you?

Londonrach1 · 28/02/2024 08:03

He still has feelings for her. Let him go and find someone who loves you 100÷. You deserve that

Bubblybooboo · 28/02/2024 14:17

ToBiaa · 28/02/2024 07:15

I just couldn’t understand what he had seen that got him upset, I don’t think it’s particularly controlling look at the pictures. Maybe there is something wrong with me

It’s controlling to ask his ex about her sex life. It’s overstepping (not to mention plain weird) to look through lots of old photos on a device presumably managed by his ex. It shows a lack of boundaries and appropriate behaviour.

ChristmasFluff · 28/02/2024 14:57

Added to everything else, when he was off with you (because he was thinking about her) and you asked him what was wrong, he didn't tell the truth.

He's obsessed with his ex and a liar, but since those things aren't dealbreakers for you, prepare to have your heart broken. He doesn't feel the same for you as you do for him, because his brain is still full of ex.

Swipe left for the next trending thread