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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He finds me attractive, we're really close but he won't date me

52 replies

Hooooooo · 27/02/2024 23:10

I have seen him looking at me a few times and I can 'sense' he's physically attracted, he also said to our friend that I was very good-looking apparently.
We talk for hours, laugh and joke, really interesting discussions, can talk about deep subjects too.
He's told me I'm awesome and that we have so many similar interests.
He sometimes gets kinda nervous around me.
Yet, he's not interested. Sigh..
It's just one of those things I guess. I feel stupid because I was sure he was, he goes out of his way to talk to me.
It's ok, I've accepted it and I'm moving on. Have you ever had that situation where it seemed like everything was right but they just didn't want to date you?
It makes me feel like there's something really off-putting about me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hooooooo · 27/02/2024 23:11

I've known him for around 3 months only, so it's not one of those situations where I've known him for decades and we're just too good friends.

OP posts:
Lammveg · 27/02/2024 23:12

Maybe he's got other things going on, as in its a him thing and not a you thing.

Original poster
Hooooooo · 27/02/2024 23:13

Lammveg · 27/02/2024 23:12

Maybe he's got other things going on, as in its a him thing and not a you thing.

Maybe! I know it's not good to ruminate, I've just not had a situation like this before. Usually we just don't gel that well/not much to talk about, or no attraction. I mean an obvious reason.

OP posts:
Maybeicanhelpyou · 27/02/2024 23:14

It’s a leap year, ask him!!

Ponoka7 · 27/02/2024 23:14

How do you know him/where are you sering him?

Sickoffamilydrama · 27/02/2024 23:14

Yes sometimes people can be too much involved in their own things to want a relationship.

Or could also be related to how you know him if via friends maybe he's worried about changing the dynamics of the group or if through work then it can become awkward.

Original poster
Hooooooo · 27/02/2024 23:15

Just met him through a mutual friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hooooooo · 27/02/2024 23:15

There have been comments from him about 'personal issues ' but I've no idea what they entail.

OP posts:
Sconenjam · 27/02/2024 23:18

Maybe he does fancy you but his circumstances are not right for a relationship right now. Maybe has to much going on.
Agree it’s a him thing.

maddening · 27/02/2024 23:19

Has he actually declined you or has he just not asked yet?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 27/02/2024 23:19

I have had people that I've had all those things with. Getting on well, attracted, interesting conversations etc. I would never get into a relationship with a lot of them. It's fine on a friendship level but I know a relationship wouldn't work - different life goals, approach to individual time vs couple time in relationships etc. They are lovely to spend time with but I just know I wouldn't find them so lovely when they want to go to Disney land with their extended family for our anniversary when I'd rather go a couples holiday exploring in Cambodia. Sometimes it's sensible to leave it as friends.

CheekyHobson · 27/02/2024 23:20

There have been comments from him about 'personal issues ' but I've no idea what they entail.

Okay, when someone tells you who they are, believe them.

He’s got personal issues. It’s none of your business what they are unless he decides he wants to tell you. Maybe he got brutally dumped by an ex. Maybe he was neglected in childhood or has a dysfunctional family. Maybe he’s a closet addict. Maybe he has a micropenis and he’s very insecure. Could be anything.

Point is that he has told you loud and clear. He’s got issues that make him emotionally unavailable for a relationship. Don’t go making this about you. Just accept what he has told you and move on.

Deathbyfluffy · 27/02/2024 23:21

Have you asked him outright if he wants to date you?

Stompythedinosaur · 27/02/2024 23:23

Perhaps he isn't attracted to you. Perhaps he isn't looking to date right now. Perhaps he's interested in someone else. It's impossible to tell. But, don't trick yourself into "sensing" that something is there when it might not be.

Original poster
Hooooooo · 27/02/2024 23:26

Definitely seem to have the same life goals, we like travelling to the same places etc.
Agreed it's none of my business, I've never asked what the issues are, just said I'd be there for him if he ever needed to talk.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hooooooo · 27/02/2024 23:27

He's said to a mutual friend he can't date ATM, that's all I know.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 27/02/2024 23:33

Yup.
Guy I met volunteering. Always had a laugh, Freddie towards each other, always very tactile.. I got drunk and told him. He looked confused. I moved on and I'm now married. And we're still the same when we see each other. Still the last ones up drinking and chatting, still very tactile, but I know there's nothing untoward, nothing inappropriate and we see each other only a handful of times a year.

Is he Def not interested or just not made a move?

aurynne · 27/02/2024 23:42

Most likely he hasn't developed romantic feelings for you. It just doesn't happen sometimes. Or he may have them for another woman.

I have friends I find attractive and I get along really well with, but I've never been interested in romantically.

Teajenny7 · 27/02/2024 23:56

Have you asked him out

Hollydays · 28/02/2024 00:08

Have you had any interaction that indicates he doesn't want to date you? In my experience if a man wants to date you he will try!

ShrubRose · 28/02/2024 01:55

CheekyHobson · 27/02/2024 23:20

There have been comments from him about 'personal issues ' but I've no idea what they entail.

Okay, when someone tells you who they are, believe them.

He’s got personal issues. It’s none of your business what they are unless he decides he wants to tell you. Maybe he got brutally dumped by an ex. Maybe he was neglected in childhood or has a dysfunctional family. Maybe he’s a closet addict. Maybe he has a micropenis and he’s very insecure. Could be anything.

Point is that he has told you loud and clear. He’s got issues that make him emotionally unavailable for a relationship. Don’t go making this about you. Just accept what he has told you and move on.

IMO this is excellent advice. Very wise. I would strongly recommend following it.

And you can also be grateful that he told you. He's not available, for whatever reason, and he's gently telling you that rather than letting you fall in love with him and suffer disappointment.

If I wanted to speculate, I might wonder if he feels he might be gay. But it doesn't matter - he's not available, or he's not available now, and you can accept him as a friend whose company you enjoy and that's it.

Lumiodes · 28/02/2024 02:19

I’ve known men who were very attractive and also a good friend to me. I still didn’t want to date them because there was a deal breaker. One man had a child and I just didn’t want the hassle. Another man had a history of taking drugs. If this guy fancies you and gets on with you, there’s probably a glaring dealbreaker somewhere that you haven’t noticed.

PersephonePomegranate23 · 28/02/2024 06:18

If he has personal issues, you're doing the right thing in what you said. Don't pursue anything as people have suggested, you have to respect people's boundaries.

It's a shame, but that's life. He's also doing the right thing in not dating if he's not in the right place at the moment.

Don't put lyour life on hold for him, bit who knows how things might pan out longer term.

Newnamehiwhodis · 28/02/2024 06:22

Sometimes people need time without a relationship. Enjoy the friendship and let it be.
It’s not about your attractiveness -

PietariKontio · 28/02/2024 06:26

Why are you certain he's not interested? Because he hasn't 'made a move yet'? Well, nor have you, so he might say the same. No, not all men always do so if they're interested, and there's a myriad of reasons why - not confident, not sure of what the other person thinks. In fact the longer a friendship goes on, the stakes get higher, which can make someone more hesitant rather than less.
I was friends for months with my now wife of 25+ years before we went out, I was so worried about spoiling our friendship, or seeming to be "that guy" who was only friends with women for one reason, that it got harder rather than easier to be honest about how I felt.

Having said that, I would say though, that if he's being fairly clear that he's not in place for a relationship then hear that - it's what people are always advised - that it's not fair to others to start a relationship when you're not in a good place to be a good partner, so he's being a decent person tbh.

All in all, don't see this as a you issue - it's just a timing and life issue.