Handed down baby items....

Keroppifrog2024 · 2024-02-27T17:55:25+00:00

Hey, Just wanting another opinion regarding a situation between my friends and handing down baby items. I am part of a quite large friendship group many of whom have had children. It has been tradition to pass down any clothing or toys etc to the next person and this has been happening since my friends first child 9 years ago. Obviously some items that get damaged etc get thrown away but he agreement was that we share items and pass them down as a kind of 'it takes a village' style. Trouble is one of our friends partners (Female) had her child last and she is now 1 year old. We have just all found out that all of the items that were handed down to help have been sold through eBay and Vinted by her and there is basically only a handful of things left for me. Now for me - it isn't about the items but the principle- she received free things for her baby and she has now profited off these items. Do you guys think it was unfair of her to sell everything, even though she knew that they were to be handed down? Thanks

LolaSmiles · 27/02/2024 17:58

Personally I think the right thing to do when benefiting from someone else's act of generosity is to try to pay it forward.

Someone might genuinely need the money so might have their reasons, but overall I think someone flogging items they were given for free is probably being cheeky.

I'd probably not end a friendship over it but would think twice about whether they're someone I'd want to pass things to in future.

ETA: I know once it's been given it's technically up the recipient what they do with items. It just seems cheeky to me to take from lots of people and not pass it on.

WhatNoRaisins · 27/02/2024 17:59

From this woman's perspective was this tradition clearly communicated to her? Was she expected to "just know" or was there an actual conversation with her?

HelloMiss · 27/02/2024 17:59

Call her out on it!

MidnightPatrol · 27/02/2024 18:01

So she probably shouldn’t have sold stuff given to her by others, no.

And yes it was thoughtless to do so if she knew you were pregnant.

However I wouldn’t waste any energy worrying about it. You can probably pick up most of the stuff affordably / free on FB marketplace.

Hand me downs are always so about timing etc anyway - someone else might have had a baby at the same time and you wouldn’t get them anyway.

Olika · 27/02/2024 18:01

If this was the agreement within the group and everybody knew it then her selling was absolutely unacceptable.

DSD9472 · 27/02/2024 18:03

Was she made aware of the 'agreement'?
What was her response about selling it and what did the group say when she said everything was sold? Do you think she needs the money or didnt know the 'rules'?

Original poster

Keroppifrog2024 · 27/02/2024 18:04

WhatNoRaisins · 27/02/2024 17:59

From this woman's perspective was this tradition clearly communicated to her? Was she expected to "just know" or was there an actual conversation with her?

The agreement was clear as a conversation had happened at the time as she isn't someone who was a friend when the tradition started.

Its not about the money or buying the bits but more about the social dynamic/sentimental value ......for example there was a bear suit that each child has worn and had a photo with which she has now sold. Which means my child and future children with our friends won't be part of this tradition.

I guess it just goes to show you need to be careful with who you pay it forward to. I think it's rude to profit with someone else's things.

OP posts:

mummyh2016 · 27/02/2024 18:05

How have you all found out? Was she asked?
I know it doesn't help you but I hope the others don't pass anything else onto her!

caringcarer · 27/02/2024 18:12

It seems mean of her if she knew about you all passing items down to each other.

HeadsShouldersTitsandArse · 27/02/2024 18:15

Just ask her why she sold the bits when they aren’t hers to sell.

SpryAmberSeal · 27/02/2024 18:15

I think to sell things in that situation knowing that it would upset your friend circle/support system, you would probably be pretty desperate for money. I would try to be understanding and try and find out if she is OK before going all gung ho.

phoenixrosehere · 27/02/2024 18:18

Keroppifrog2024 · 27/02/2024 18:04

The agreement was clear as a conversation had happened at the time as she isn't someone who was a friend when the tradition started.

Its not about the money or buying the bits but more about the social dynamic/sentimental value ......for example there was a bear suit that each child has worn and had a photo with which she has now sold. Which means my child and future children with our friends won't be part of this tradition.

I guess it just goes to show you need to be careful with who you pay it forward to. I think it's rude to profit with someone else's things.

Show quote history

The agreement was clear as a conversation had happened at the time as she isn't someone who was a friend when the tradition started.

???

Original poster

Keroppifrog2024 · 27/02/2024 18:20

It's because he has brought round the remaining bits and a lot of expensive items and outfits etc are missing.

My friend asked her and she said she has sold things online but only bits that she bought (which is totally fair) but then on her selling accounts there is a lot of items that my friends passed down.

I asked her about why and she just keeps denying she has sold any of it.

I'm not being mean with her or anything like that and financially they are well off so it's not like she needed the money.

I just think it was a case that she isn't that close to the rest of us and wanted to profit with extra things she no longer needed which I think is mean considering I was already pregnant and she was aware.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 27/02/2024 18:23

Keroppifrog2024 · 27/02/2024 18:20

It's because he has brought round the remaining bits and a lot of expensive items and outfits etc are missing.

My friend asked her and she said she has sold things online but only bits that she bought (which is totally fair) but then on her selling accounts there is a lot of items that my friends passed down.

I asked her about why and she just keeps denying she has sold any of it.

I'm not being mean with her or anything like that and financially they are well off so it's not like she needed the money.

I just think it was a case that she isn't that close to the rest of us and wanted to profit with extra things she no longer needed which I think is mean considering I was already pregnant and she was aware.

Well I'd tell her I'd seen it and would distance myself.

She's a liar

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 27/02/2024 18:24

SpryAmberSeal · 27/02/2024 18:15

I think to sell things in that situation knowing that it would upset your friend circle/support system, you would probably be pretty desperate for money. I would try to be understanding and try and find out if she is OK before going all gung ho.

People who do such things aren’t necessarily hard up. Just grasping. Often it’s people who aren’t hard up who grab anything they can and sod everyone else.

GreatGateauxsby · 27/02/2024 18:26

Personally I’d screen grab the items on ther vinted account circle all the handled down stuff.
add up the £ amount of the stuff sold and put the pics on the group what’s app and ask her to explain herself and ask how she plans to make it right.

it’s a total liberty and stuff like this irritates me as is the key reason “we can’t have nice things”….there is always one dickhead who wants to ruin it for everyone.

i agree with @GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER it’s the ones who can afford it who do this not the hard up ones.

WhatNoRaisins · 27/02/2024 19:07

I think this says a lot about her character then OP and I'd be wary of her.

ComtesseDeSpair · 27/02/2024 19:18

I think this sort of arrangement only works with immediate family and people you’re very close to. She’ll likely have received loads of different baby bits from all over plus bought a lot of her own and keeping track of who gave what and remembering whether it was a gift or a loan or a pass-me-on isn’t forefront of most people’s minds when they have a new baby and then selling outgrown stuff - not to mention that babies destroy clothing and fabric items with poo accidents and she probably chucked a fair bit away without thinking that you were expecting her to keep it for you.

ALPHAFEMALESINCEBIRTH · 27/02/2024 19:32

quite frankly i wouldnt want things that's 8-9 years old and gone through umpteen babies and homes

this {loose} agreement is going on the assumption that the last to receive is definitely expected to pass on

if this was me and i knew what people expected of me i wouldnt like that and refuse items

when a item is given its then up to the receiver to do with it from then on
selling on straight away is not nice obviously and offensive to the person who gave it away but that person will then know not to do it again

what happens if someone has 2 babies in a year, do they keep said stuff
or if 2-3 friends are pregnant the same time

this very loose agreement/expectation would have gone wrong at one point

and technically the only one who should be offended or get nasty is the one that purchased items, not used it last or gave it to the next person

Kooples · 27/02/2024 21:40

GreatGateauxsby · 27/02/2024 18:26

Personally I’d screen grab the items on ther vinted account circle all the handled down stuff.
add up the £ amount of the stuff sold and put the pics on the group what’s app and ask her to explain herself and ask how she plans to make it right.

it’s a total liberty and stuff like this irritates me as is the key reason “we can’t have nice things”….there is always one dickhead who wants to ruin it for everyone.

i agree with @GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER it’s the ones who can afford it who do this not the hard up ones.

Edited

Yes and they can often afford it as they’re penny pinching CFs in other ways.

Kooples · 27/02/2024 21:44

ALPHAFEMALESINCEBIRTH · 27/02/2024 19:32

quite frankly i wouldnt want things that's 8-9 years old and gone through umpteen babies and homes

this {loose} agreement is going on the assumption that the last to receive is definitely expected to pass on

if this was me and i knew what people expected of me i wouldnt like that and refuse items

when a item is given its then up to the receiver to do with it from then on
selling on straight away is not nice obviously and offensive to the person who gave it away but that person will then know not to do it again

what happens if someone has 2 babies in a year, do they keep said stuff
or if 2-3 friends are pregnant the same time

this very loose agreement/expectation would have gone wrong at one point

and technically the only one who should be offended or get nasty is the one that purchased items, not used it last or gave it to the next person

Besides the point but I agree that I wouldn’t want to be part of this, as great as it is for those strapped for cash particularly. I had to write down who bought what to make sure I sent a thank you card acknowledging the item as my brain was like a sieve. I’d have struggled remembering what was in the hand me down pile then needed to keep everything. As it was, I was constantly donating to the local charity shop every couple of months to simply free up space.

Kooples · 27/02/2024 21:45

And I’d also not want to be part as I had a particularly poopy first baby who stained everything!

Immemorialelms · 27/02/2024 22:43

Yeah, I'd find it a bit precious unless there was an absolutely explicit thing about one item. "Now you have The Bear Outfit Susie! When are you sending the pictures? Be sure to keep it safe for me!" etc etc.

Not just a load of random things.I bet they weren't even that expensive, baby stuff isn't really.

telestrations · 27/02/2024 23:12

Sounds like she just doesn't care, and the lying is because it's easier then to say so

I'd be very upset about the bear suit! I guess time to get a new one

Sounds like you overwise you have a really good friends group to bring your baby into

GreatGateauxsby · 28/02/2024 04:26

Look....if it was all so manky and gross how was she selling it on for money?

I use vinted a lot and often cant shift decent stuff on there.
There is SO much quality and choice... stained or damaged items just dont sell.

I took OPs post to mean each person added some of their own bits each time.... so each person gets the bundle and there is some OG stuff like bear outfit and then some other stuff moves in / out depending on stuff the last person was given (added) poonamis, wear and tear (removed)