To think there's not much you can do about an anxious personality

[cowrintimrousbeastie]

I don't mean an anxiety disorder, but an anxious disposition.

I'm an anxious person by nature. I think most people (who don't have any clinical issues and function fine on a day to day level) fall into two personality types in terms of how they cope with stress: depressive or anxious.

My father is an anxious person and I've definitely inherited that from him, as well as the stereotypical behaviour: on-and-off nail biting, face touching, strong desire for routine and order to feel calm, introverted nature and a need for a lot of time alone, overthinking tendencies etc.

I have worked very hard to counteract my anxiety and have pushed myself more than my father has in life. I got a degree, learnt to drive, work in a professional role where I have to speak in front of people and work in stressful situations. I don't take medication for my anxiety but muddle through life with my own coping strategies.

I am careful about what kind of jobs I take (freelance work) and push myself a little at a time at my own pace, rather than flinging myself into the deep end. I try to work on habits like nail biting and check in with my husband if I feel like I'm struggling to cope with anything (I have a tendency to shut down when not coping and go silent). I am fortunate enough that we both earn well so that I don't have to work more than 2 or 3 days a week, and I have shaped my life to work best for me so that I don't become overwhelmed and panic.

Anxiety has shaped my entire life. I'm a very happy and content person with everything I could want in life and friends and family would actually describe me as laid-back, but my nature seems to be fixed like this and (although much improved in recent years) there is always the background hum of anxiety in my brain.

YANBU- For someone with an anxious disposition there's not really much you can do other than find your own coping strategies/self care and just get by

YABU- Get yourself to the GP and get on medication for goodness sake

What is GAD?

I don't think I have discouraged anyone from taking medication.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder. From the way you describe your Dad, he may have suffered from it, but sadly in the past, mental health problems weren’t openly discussed the way they are today.

Some other posters have said “don’t take medication”, but it can be very helpful to some people. I think it probably saved my life, tbh.

I think most people (who don't have any clinical issues and function fine on a day to day level) fall into two personality types in terms of how they cope with stress: depressive or anxious.

And what about the extroverts who jump into life with both feet? I know lots of people who are neither depressive or anxious. My MIL, my DDad, lots of my workmates and friends. Some of those people are very much 'don't give a fuck' in their attitudes and some are adrenaline junkies that love dealing with a crisis. I'm definitely in the latter camp and suspect it's partly a reaction to my Mum stressing about the most minor thing and my Dad laughing and saying 'nobody will notice, it'll be fine'. There was definitely a case when we were teenagers of my siblings and I managing my Mum's stress by saying 'don't worry, I'll do X, DSis will do Y and it'll all be sorted'. We are all both capable adults who get things done, interestingly DBro is very laid back (like Dad) but is married to a very capable woman who gets 101 things done in the time it takes a normal person to do 1 thing.

Hi OP. I feel exactly like this, that I just have an anxious "hum" always going in the background. I suffer from headaches, tense muscles, etc and it all boils down to anxiety. I'm smart but have not pushed myself work wise as I dread the responsibility/ cocking up etc. I was signed off work recently due to work related stress. Back in now, having taken myself off a big project so that's better for me - but obviously not my career.

I'm also a single parent. I need down time by myself to recuperate which I struggle to get. I completely understand where you are coming from. For me, I think my dad was an anxious person, and had passed that on, not through genetics but how I was brought up. I was expected to be perfect, and so I worry a lot about people pleasing.

If you wouldn't mind, would you mind sharing about your career path - I need to earn more but struggle finding something to fit this annoying personality trait. I would love to eventually work part time to find a better balance.

Thank you I'll read up on this as I've never heard the term before

Those people are mad buggers 😂

Yes, the anxious hum. I feel it too. Sometimes my stomach is squirming for no obvious reason. I think I often have a delayed reaction to stress as well. My husband might say "oh you're biting your nails again" (when I haven't realised I'm doing it) "what's upsetting you?"

I'll reply in all honesty "nothing". I think my brain might be processing something that I've not consciously figured out yet!

I'll send you a PM x

"I think most people (who don't have any clinical issues and function fine on a day to day level) fall into two personality types in terms of how they cope with stress: depressive or anxious. "

Most MN'ers have chronic anxiety. I know no one who does though.

I'm happy, content, have good self esteem. I deal with stress easily. I'm neither depressive nor anxious. Never been either.

"People either deal with stress in an anxious manner or a depressive manner, and within that there's obviously a spectrum of how anxious or how depressive. I don't mean they're like that all the time. Even I'm not and I'm certainly more anxious than the average person! "

Nope. I disagree. I'm neither.

I used to think this. Found out I was autistic in my 30’s.

I agree with you OP, I’m an anxious person, always have been and probably always will be. I manage it by creating a world for myself that reduces my level of anxiety (SAHM) but now I’m facing going back to work and just the thought of it brings on all sorts of physical side effects, feeling sick and insomnia being the main two. I would love to not be like this (my parents are too) but I can’t see it ever being drastically different I’m just old enough now and financially comfortable that I can avoid high stress triggers

That sounds tougher than what I'm currently dealing with but I know the feeling. I hope you're ok x

I don't think there's any shame in making life simpler and happier. If you can afford it then do whatever you want to do that reduces stress and brings happiness and contentment.

I don't see it as any different to my mum suffering with chronic pain. She has the money to alleviate the pain by buying a very comfortable car with heated seats, an expensive bathtub with jacuzzi jets, getting her hair washed and styled regularly at the hairdressers so she doesn't have to do it herself, buying a very expensive mattress etc. All of these things reduce her pain so it's worth it. Do whatever reduces the pain of anxiety in your life.

I had a mindset shift after I had my son and realised I just don't want anything terribly stressful in my life anymore if I can avoid it. I still push myself to improve my skills at work and tackle new challenges, but on a smaller scale than before and at my own pace, not driven by any daft notions that I "should" or "ought" to. Says who?

I take easy going jobs for the most part and spend the rest of my time having fun with my family. That's what matters above everything.

Most MN'ers have chronic anxiety. I know no one who does though.

🤣🤣@Oblomov24 You certainly read some interesting things on MN!

I wonder too if people are more comfortable talking about problems online to strangers than IRL?
Except for my DH, no one knows my diagnosis, I haven’t even told even my closest friends, because I wouldn’t want worry them-plus it’s not necessary as I’m much better.

I expect some of them have problems that I’m unaware of too. 🤷

I don't necessarily believe people are born anxious, but I think the way we learn to function in our early life often becomes the blueprint for how we are in later life.

😂 I may have heard that said before and have definitely said it about my SIL who never stops.

I agree. I’m an anxious person by nature (and it’s got worse recently due to peri, some health issues). My parents were v anxious so I’m not sure if it’s nature or nurture. Unfortunately my DCs are more clinically anxious and one is on meds (more likely they’re both neurodiverse which is being explored but they’re adults).
My main anxiety is around health these days, but I have good reason for it, I’ve had some pretty useless cbt(!) and it’s not bad enough for meds. I can worry about everyone’s health!! I am also anxious about time - always early for things etc, hate being late, worry if my manager is a bit ‘off’ with me (but she’d def tell me if an error is made). I also like being in control which is a corollary of being anxious as well - people always say how organised I am, but it would make me anxious not to be!

What work do you do?

I can relate to a lot of what you say but my work (teaching adults) does not pay well despite me having several degrees.

I wonder if my anxiety would be less if I could pay to make life easier like you say about your mum and chronic pain. I do think ove under achieved job wise but also find it a great source of anxiety!

I'd love an approach to life that just accepted I find life overwhelming and stressful and minimised stressful things but work is up there as one of my main stressors (although also brings reward and satisfaction)

I also suspect I'm on the spectrum somewhere. I think if I'd found my work niche in a more well paid area or less stress I'd be better set up but not sure how to sort this at 45!

Although I'm anxious I'm also quite an adventurous person. When I've travelled to far-off places I've partly enjoyed it and partly found it hellish. It's taken me a while to realise that's ok! There's so much focus on being 'happy' and 'confident'. But I'll settle for my pattern of half thrilled half terrified.

I've definitely under achieved in work though. Lots of that has been due to external factors (big time family serious illness) and that I've prioritised being there for people. But I do need a shove to put myself forward for things with more responsibility. I'd rather balance things across work and life.

It's been so interesting reading about others in the same position.

I have social anxiety - but not anxiety otherwise , could hitchhike to Timbuctoo (prob not a good idea), fight off a wolf, don’t like heights or mice though. I would def say it is our thoughts that can trigger your anxiety , if you can work out what the thoughts are, you can possibly use cbt to reduce them.

Totally agree with you op

I'm supposed to be at that point. I'm late 50s, through the menopause, no estrogen (the caring hormone) left. I'm supposed to have no fucks left to give. I read that all the time on mn, women who are delighted they just don't care anymore.

I'm wondering when this enlightened state will hit me. I'm as much a worrier than ever. Anxiety is my middle name.

Sorry to tell you this @cowrintimrousbeastie

Hey I'm really sorry cbt didn't work for you, I'm currently having some sessions and have found them really useful, I just need to actually put the tasks into place!

I totally get the organised thing, it's because I need things to be in control/ want to ensure I don't displease people by forgetting things. Same for never being late, and then I'm stressy with my kids if they are dawdling etc. It's exhausting. I do wonder what the long term effects are physically of having to deal with this.

OP I think you've deffo you the balance and priorities right. If I had the finances I would definitely go part time to better manage it.

@ssd

Ugh 😩 This will likely end up being me too

I'll hold out hope for peace in the afterlife then 🙏🏻

@AmazingLemonDrizzle

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