To think there's not much you can do about an anxious personality

[cowrintimrousbeastie]

I don't mean an anxiety disorder, but an anxious disposition.

I'm an anxious person by nature. I think most people (who don't have any clinical issues and function fine on a day to day level) fall into two personality types in terms of how they cope with stress: depressive or anxious.

My father is an anxious person and I've definitely inherited that from him, as well as the stereotypical behaviour: on-and-off nail biting, face touching, strong desire for routine and order to feel calm, introverted nature and a need for a lot of time alone, overthinking tendencies etc.

I have worked very hard to counteract my anxiety and have pushed myself more than my father has in life. I got a degree, learnt to drive, work in a professional role where I have to speak in front of people and work in stressful situations. I don't take medication for my anxiety but muddle through life with my own coping strategies.

I am careful about what kind of jobs I take (freelance work) and push myself a little at a time at my own pace, rather than flinging myself into the deep end. I try to work on habits like nail biting and check in with my husband if I feel like I'm struggling to cope with anything (I have a tendency to shut down when not coping and go silent). I am fortunate enough that we both earn well so that I don't have to work more than 2 or 3 days a week, and I have shaped my life to work best for me so that I don't become overwhelmed and panic.

Anxiety has shaped my entire life. I'm a very happy and content person with everything I could want in life and friends and family would actually describe me as laid-back, but my nature seems to be fixed like this and (although much improved in recent years) there is always the background hum of anxiety in my brain.

YANBU- For someone with an anxious disposition there's not really much you can do other than find your own coping strategies/self care and just get by

YABU- Get yourself to the GP and get on medication for goodness sake

Sorry to hear of your struggles with family. My parents were always fantastic so it's definitely not from toxic family dynamics. But I'm so like my dad I can't help but feel I've inherited his personality type.

Completely agree about the pill. I was on the pill for yeeeaaars! Now that I'm off my hormones are wild. I've never known a natural cycle without hormonal contraceptive so I feel like I'm still navigating that as well. Combination of post natal anxiety/raising a toddler 🤯 and not being on the pill anymore. Sometimes I'm like "who am I?!"

An anxious disposition sums me up too. I don't tend to sit and worry about thinks excessively and think negative thoughts. But anxiety impacts my body like needing the toilet, upset stomach etc, I don't seem to have control over that with thought .

Over the years, I have noticed that a negative outcome is entirely possible. I don't think anything 'bad' ( that is , something that someone may have been anxious about) is any less likely to happen because someone wasn't anxious about it.

A certain amount of anxiety is healthy. It's a bit of a safety mechanism.

God the upset stomachs. I get this too. Even if I'm coping well with, say a stressful job, my stomach says otherwise.

Seem to have zero control over that 🤦🏼‍♀️

I ran to the toilet before every single driving lesson. Now I'm a very confident driver and don't get stressed about it ever.

But anxiety impacts my body like needing the toilet, upset stomach etc, I don't seem to have control over that with thought .

No - though distracting thoughts or self done pep talks can often help stop it getting that bad for me though not always -.

When I am that bad I tend to do try physical activities walking - hand shaking - jumping and breathing exercises/ boiled sweets/ rescue remedy/smells - and make lots of toilet trips. When it gets to insomnia stage often getting up and trying to doze to telly or radio.

You sound amazing OP!
No definitely don't take medication, yes, maybe accept that you have a tendency towards feeling anxious and carry on doing what you're doing; intelligently organise your life so it's manageable for you but still continue your growth and challenge yourself!
No idea whether this is up your street or not, but A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle is a fascinating exploration of ego and overthinking tendencies, I found it life changing.

@aLFIESMA

What a lovely, encouraging post!

Yes I think I have the bit in my brain saying "switch the iron off" except it's saying it too often and about all sorts of things that don't matter.

Everyone does - otherwise they'd be a lot more house fires.

Have a look at this video, I think you'll get a lot out of it;

YABU in that it sounds like you're doing OK, but at what cost? Those coping mechanisms take a lot out of you and burn a lot of both mental and physical energy. I'm glad you're doing well, but having been on both sides I see how a "normal" brain works and I don't have to jump through 13 hoops to keep the anxiety at bay. I resisted medication for a long time (because I was scared of it) but it was a life saver.

I still have those anxious thoughts/tendencies/initial reactions, but now I can turn them off and move ahead the way normal people do.

ETA: Sorry, I didn't mean to quote!! Ugh.

@brentwoods

Good point. At what cost? It is tiring. But I also see how other people struggle in their own ways and think "how tiring for them."

For example I know a woman who is quite anxious but in a different way from me. She is incredibly preoccupied with what others think of her and ties herself in all sorts of knots over it. I cannot understand this as I don't care what others think of me. I also have a good friend who gets in a terrible state about particular things in life that don't upset or worry me.

At what point do I say I need medication? Previous experiences on medication make me not interested in it again.

What a lovely post. Thank you.

Intelligently organising my life. I like that. I feel like that is exactly what I have worked towards doing for years now but never had a succinct way to describe it.

Untangling the jaggy bushes in my brain is what it feels like!

Therapy would likely do me good. I've been trying to "therapise" myself as Jeremy says in Peep Show.

@TheCrowFlies

Oh and thank you for the recommendation, I will have a look at that x

Thank you I'll definitely take a look at this x

I agree totally, I have an anxious disposition as well. I can see genetic and environmental factors at work. I've been medicated before and though it helped to lift the chronic anxiety I was experiencing (burnout) it really didn't change my orientation to the world. I've tried my very best to mask it like hell so that my kids don't see and I make myself climb to the top of the climbing frame with them if they ask.

❤️

You're smashing it x

I largely agree with you about the difference between clinical anxiety and an anxious disposition, though I wonder if the latter could tip into clinical anxiety under certain circumstances. I definitely have an anxious disposition, always have. Even when I was little, I was known as a worrier and it's followed me through life but generally it's in response to actual triggers and not just a pervasive sense of anxiety which for me personally would be my tipping point for seeking help. If I couldn't fathom why I felt anxious and if my coping strategies (movement, rest, walks in the fresh air, etc) weren't helping then I think that would be a sign that I needed greater help. I am feeling quite anxious this week as I have some big changes coming up and haven't been sleeping well thanks to my toddler. I see you have a toddler too OP, do you feel your anxiety differently since having them? On the one hand, some things I used to worry about I now don't bother about at all, but I feel as though I have new bigger worries, especially when she's ill and that's very anxiety provoking. FWIW it sounds like you've coped very well with your anxieties so far but I don't think you should be afraid to seek help if you feel you need to (and I ought to remember to take my own advice too!)

Anxiety runs in my dad's side of the family. His grandmother was anxious, so was his mother so is he, so am I and now I can see my son's inherited the anxious gene! Great! I'm at peace with my anxiety though. I don't need medication. I avoid situations that make me too anxious. I'm just used to it. I don't know anything else.
But yes, I agree. I think if you have an anxious disposition there's not a great deal you can do. I mean obviously you can avoid situations that trigger it or take medication but you'll always have an anxious disposition.

@zebranotzeebra

Very thought provoking post and lots to think about. Thank you.

I largely agree with you about the difference between clinical anxiety and an anxious disposition, though I wonder if the latter could tip into clinical anxiety under certain circumstances.

I agree with this. I do think I have suffered with post natal anxiety. But a combination of first time mum/muddling through/tired/both of us being new to this and learning/already an anxious type of person/hormones/breastfeeding/moving house... well, it's hard to unpack what's going on and I think I missed the signs of post natal anxiety and put it down to "I have a baby, of course I'm stressed"

I definitely have an anxious disposition, always have. Even when I was little, I was known as a worrier and it's followed me through life

This is very interesting as I can't say the same about myself. I was a very confident child. Very happy in myself and the world around me. No worries. Everything changed when I was a teenager. I became quieter and more introverted overnight. The transition to secondary school was hard.

but generally it's in response to actual triggers and not just a pervasive sense of anxiety which for me personally would be my tipping point for seeking help.

I must be clear that I am not living every moment in an anxious state. I have a wonderful life, am very content and have a lot of fun. However there was a phase in new motherhood where I really should have sought help. The anxiety was pervasive but I just didn't recognise it. I think I've clawed my own way out but I should have spoken to my GP.

I see you have a toddler too OP, do you feel your anxiety differently since having them?

Absolutely. I'm very laid back about my child. I don't worry about them and have dealt with any stress confidently and taken it all in my stride... in the moment. But when he's safely in bed at the end of the day I zone out and need time to process everything that is causing me to feel anxious. Often I can't even articulate to myself what it is. Just a sense of worry. I zone out completely, not even noticing I'm biting my nails. I'm doing a lot better with things like that now making sure to exercise more often and the (gradual!) change in weather is helping.

It's honestly so hard to know what's normal and what's not now as a parent- I know so many mums who need a stiff drink at the end of the day! (My version of this is lots of chocolate 🤦🏼‍♀️) Everyone is struggling in one way or another. I think I'm still figuring myself out after having a child. I was very sorted before I had my son and had everything in order. I lost myself for a long time after having him. Still figuring that one out.

Pretty much sums it up.

Bizarrely my anxiety has resulted in an attitude of "I don't give a damn" towards anything or anyone that drains me in a way that isn't beneficial to me and my family.

So, yes, some of my training or work can be draining but it's worthwhile, I love it, it's a positive thing in my life. So it's worth pushing through for. But if someone is draining me they can piss off and I'm not bothered. Complete opposite of a woman I know who is very anxious but needs people to like her. She is forever worried what everyone thinks about her. I'm grateful my anxiety doesn't manifest this way!

@cowrintimrousbeastie
It's honestly so hard to know what's normal and what's not now as a parent- I know so many mums who need a stiff drink at the end of the day! (My version of this is lots of chocolate 🤦🏼‍♀️) Everyone is struggling in one way or another. I think I'm still figuring myself out after having a child. I was very sorted before I had my son and had everything in order. I lost myself for a long time after having him. Still figuring that one out.

I agree with all of this, it's been much more of an adjustment than I expected. Throw in working and childcare juggles etc, and it's a lot. I think sometimes it just helps to know you're not alone!

I’m quite an anxious person; it went into overdrive with my son’s teenage years, drink, drugs, all sorts. Taking sertraline has really helped me - as has CBT.

@zebranotzeebra

❤️

I am an anxious person.
I know why I'm anxious - it's come about as a reaction to family circumstances.
I'm absolutely not speaking for everyone, but for everyone I know well who has anxiety, it's clear that its been caused by parental behaviour in some way - either directly copying anxious behaviour, or as a reaction to certain behaviours. I don't know anyone where I couldn't point to certain parental behaviours. Again, not saying it's everyone.
It would never happen, but I'd be so interested in research on this, to see how many people have developed it as part of their environment.

I find a few things very weird with the dialogue around anxiety currently:
-The complete general unawareness by most of the public AND lots of people with anxiety and their families, that avoiding the thing you are anxious about makes the problem worse.

• Some people's insistence that everyone just needs to 'get on with it' (wrong) but equally, the insistence of some people that noone with anxiety EVER benefits from 'just doing it' (also wrong)
• the complete lack of imagination of most people of a halfway point between 'not doing it' and 'just doing it'. There are so many ways to build up your confidence and exposure!
• the absolute insistence of some people with anxiety that altering diet and exercise 'doesn't work' (everyone whose ever said this to me has a diabolical lifestyle) but also, again, the lack of nuance - no, it's not going to fix things after a week, no it might not make you completely better, but there's a reason it's recommended - it can change lives. Ditto medication. The amount of people who find it acceptable to openly badmouth anxiety or depression meds! You wouldn't do it with insulin to a diabetic!

Sorry - bit of a rant there!

Yep, that's me. Everything in your OP. Sums it up for me. Have been like this for years. I would definitely call it anxious disposition in my case. I went to uni, got a degree ( went back again and did a different qualification) and now studying again (but distance learning). Struggled working full time. I would attribute that to anxiety but at the time didn't see it that way. I get exhausted being around people. I don't mind brief chats at school gates then head home.

I find life stressful. Nail biter. Get overwhelmed easily. Definitely agree with PP it can be linked to your upbringing and learned behaviour from your environment. DM is anxious as a person, it was horrendous growing up in that environment when I look back. Always worried I would upset her.

The consensus about family dynamics causing anxiety is interesting. I had a lovely upbringing. I wasn't frightened of my parents or had any reason to feel nervous or anxious.

You sound as if you’re managing your anxiety effectively, OP, and that’s great.

But, I’m not liking the anti-medication posts, because for some people medication can be genuinely lifesaving. It isn’t right for everyone and sometimes a patient needs to try a few before finding a good fit, but it does work well for many people.

I’m now diagnosed with GAD, I thought I was coping for many years and then had a near-breakdown. Medication and counselling got me out of this-after three weeks on medication, the panic attacks had stopped and I could think more clearly. I’m now on a low maintenance dose (I did come off completely but the anxiety started returning).

If you don’t need medication, great, but people do need it. No one would discourage people from taking medication for other types of illness.