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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should my friend have told me her partner is unsympathetic towards ill grandparents?

28 replies

25smallstacey · 27/02/2024 00:03

My Grandparents are both sick in hospital at the moment. In two different hospitals (a county apart) so we are stretched quite thin as a small family and stress levels are high. One is in ICU and one has pneumonia. Both late 80s. My Mum was a single Mum so I was partially raised by them.

My best friend has a partner who she has a complicated relationship with. They live together but she often complains about him. She told me tonight that he's being unsympathetic towards the situation because they are elderly and that she is finding it hard. She is rearranging their plans for this week to help me and he doesn't understand why. In a sensitive moment, I snapped at her and explained that wasn't the right time to tell me that. The thought of someone in my life being unsympathetic stung.

Yes, I know they are in their late 80s but I'm incredibly close to them. AIBU that i'm being so sensitive?

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 27/02/2024 00:06

She is rearranging their plans for this week to help me

Snap at her any more and you’ll be on your own.

DaftyLass · 27/02/2024 00:08

She is helping, adjusting her life (and possible her fellas) to help, so you shouldn't snap at her.
It's not her job to keep sweet for you

Original poster
25smallstacey · 27/02/2024 00:10

Fair enough, I'm in a sensitive space! I felt sensitive he was being harsh towards two negative people in my life and I didn't like hearing that

OP posts:
LittleGreenDragons · 27/02/2024 00:10

The thought of someone in my life being unsympathetic stung.

He's not technically in your life though, she is. And she's trying to tell you that she's struggling to support you as best she can or wants to because of her bad relationship. She's being split in half trying to help you whilst not being supported herself.

Hope your grandparents get well soon, and give your friend a big hug.

DodgeDoggie · 27/02/2024 00:16

She sounds like a good friend and he sounds like a dick. Why is she with someone like that?

R41nb0wR0se · 27/02/2024 00:17

I think she's trying to tell you how much she cares about you - putting your needs above her partner's opinion. I also (gently) think she was probably hoping for a sympathetic ear from you - it's possible to still be compassionate to other people when you're having a rough time yourself

HoHoHoliday · 27/02/2024 00:20

You snapped at the wrong person. Apologise wholeheartedly to your friend and move on. You're in a horrible stressful situation. Sending you, your mum, your grandparents lots of positive thoughts and a virtual hand hold.

For what it's worth - to your friend - I could not be in a relationship with someone who has such cold feelings.

Mumof2teens79 · 27/02/2024 00:27

So she should have lied to you?

I don't understand what she has done wrong.
I also sort of see her DPs point.
Yes it's normal/lovely to help your BF when they are overwhelmed....but to rearrange their plans is huge

redalex261 · 27/02/2024 00:29

Why are you taking your sensitivity about his opinion out on the person who is helping you? You should apologise to your friend.

saraclara · 27/02/2024 00:33

FFS. You are incredibly lucky to have such a generous friend who is rearranging things to help you. And you snapped at her? How self centred can you get?

Luckycloverz · 27/02/2024 00:36

Yes as above you really need to apologise to your friend for snapping at her.

Original poster
25smallstacey · 27/02/2024 00:36

It probably comes from a place of disliking him for a long time and always feeling her life is tense because of him.

When I say I snapped, I got upset and said I wasn't in the place to hear that while sitting next to a hospital bed. I am going to apologise in the morning and be sympathetic towards her. Life is complicated and I became protective in the moment. She's currently trying to move meetings to come to visit me closer to the hospital during the week. I get it now in hindsight, it wasn't ok.

OP posts:
5YearsLeft · 27/02/2024 00:38

I know how stressful this can be, OP. I was raised by my grandparents and I’ve lost them both now.

But if my best friend had confided this in me, that she is basically upset with her partner for being a dick about the situation AND the fact she’s helping me, I would commiserate that he’s a dick, not snap at the person helping me.

You will probably make a few mistakes like this. Your anger at the unfairness of losing your “parents” so young will have some spillover. But apologize to your friend, and tell her that you didn’t mean to snap at her, you appreciate her, you know she doesn’t feel the way her partner does, you’re just going through one of the worst periods of your life right now and it’s hard to imagine there are people like her partner who can’t see that or don’t care.

homezookeeper · 27/02/2024 00:49

The first thing you need to do is apologise to her. Yes, you're very stressed out, but she is trying to help you and probably partially confide in you that while she's supporting you, she's having issues with this man being a twat over an issue that she sees as important - helping you. She's probably struggling with the knowledge that he could be such a bastard. She's been honest and still wants to give you support.
That's a friend. You can feel however you like about the wankbadger she's with, but do not take it out on her. If the worst happens, it's her who will be supporting you.

Original poster
25smallstacey · 27/02/2024 00:55

Yes, I can be more rational now. I just have to step aside from my own feelings.

He was telling her to me more committed to her work than her friendships and she found that hard. I am going to make a big apology and then commiserate. I'm in my own bubble right now, which is making me more sensitive than usual.

OP posts:
Polominty · 27/02/2024 00:55

You have been totally unfair to your friend, in your opening post you said you are stressed and stretched trying to meet everyone’s needs so you allow yourself to say when things are difficult. However when your friend, who is trying to be there for you, says it’s tricky for her to rearrange things because her DP doesn’t understand you criticise her for telling you something you don’t want to hear. Friendships work both ways even in difficult times. I hate to say it but if I were your friend and was rearranging my life to support you and then I was getting criticised for my DP’s opinions I would be wondering why I was bothering.

BeakyBlinders · 27/02/2024 02:53

I dont know many people who would rearrange their plans/work/relationship to come and visit someone repeatedly in this situation.

Mumof2teens79 · 27/02/2024 03:58

If his concern is her work then he is right.
I wouldn't be happy with someone moving meetings to be able to visit a friend who was visiting relatives in hospital.

icelollycraving · 27/02/2024 05:16

She sounds a lovely friend. In honesty, there aren’t many people who would move their commitments to support a friend who has loved ones in hospital. People often offer help but few would facilitate it, potentially affecting their own lives.
You were wrong to snap at the person putting themself out for you. Apologise, say you’re feeling very sensitive and that you appreciate all her support. If you don’t, she may not be in a rush to come to your aid when you need her again.
Your grandparents are v important to you. You are important to her so she showed up, you’re lucky to have a friend like that.

Newchapterbeckons · 27/02/2024 05:38

What a lovely friend.
If she is putting her job or work at risk, he is right, she shouldn’t be doing that and you shouldn’t let her.
This is your issue op, as nice as it is to have support you shouldn’t be expecting others to move everything around because your gps are ill. I feel like you are expecting too much from her, and she was telling you that in a gentle way.

I understand you are upset but you do need to consider others too.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 27/02/2024 05:40

I think it depends what she is rearranging. If it’s having a significant impact on him - they’re cancelling events he was looking forward to, needs to do all childcare on his own etc then I can see why he’s a bit annoyed.

maybe she is also telling you the impact it’s having at home to try and get permission from you to help a bit less. It seems like you are taking your friend for granted.

Rubbishconfession · 27/02/2024 05:44

Please don’t take your friend for granted. She’s re-arranging her week for you, that’s huge.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 27/02/2024 06:34

Don’t let her move work meetings for you. I get you’re going through a tough time but she shouldn’t be jeopardizing her job to support you

TheThreeCheesesOfTheApocalypse44 · 27/02/2024 07:10

He was right......she should be more committed to her work than her friendships. At the end of the day her friends don't pay the bills 😬

Hopefully your grandparents pick up a little soon and you'll have less stress on you. 💐

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 27/02/2024 07:41

R41nb0wR0se · 27/02/2024 00:17

I think she's trying to tell you how much she cares about you - putting your needs above her partner's opinion. I also (gently) think she was probably hoping for a sympathetic ear from you - it's possible to still be compassionate to other people when you're having a rough time yourself

This! I also agree with @DaftyLass ’s comment. She’s already helping OP and changing her plans to help OP! She doesn’t have to keep sweet as well.

The fact that she’s rearranging her weekend - despite an unsupportive partner - is already amazing!