Not inviting my mum to sons 1st bday

[Cornishcaf]

Sorry long post! 🙈
To put it into context I have never had a close relationship with my mum, we never argued particularly but we have never been close.
I didn't grow up with her being interested in me and my life and no closeness hugs/kisses etc
Since moving out at 16 we would see each other an average of 4 times per year, Christmas, birthdays and mother's day, these would normally just be a cup of tea for an hour.
She would say she wants to see us more, so I would try and ask her out for lunch etc which we would meet but these invites were never reciprocated, so I gave up asking.
She would rather we came to her house and sit in front of the TV!

Now the other issue is my mum is a huge chain smoker, she smokes indoors, her house is yellow, and smells, I would wear old clothes to her house and need to go home and immediately jump in the shower and change clothes as they smell so much, If she visits me we would need to subtly put throws on our sofa so we could wash them, if she doesn't sit on a throw we would need to wash the sofa covers, as all her clothes smell like old musty smoke.

Since having my son who is 11 months, she has seen him about 5 times, she never checks in or shown any support, just popped by on occasions, had a cup of tea a cuddle with baby and left, I did ask when she visited to wear fresh clothes that she had not smoked in, but because she smokes in her house even her fresh clothes smell.
I have to bathe and wash baby's hair after she holds him.

We are holding a gathering of friends and family for our son's 1st birthday at a local hotel, nothing fancy, we just wanted to be in one place for a few hours where people can pop in and say hello and celebrate little ones big day!

AIBU to not invite her, she smells so strongly, I frankly feel embarrassed, I have lots of new mum friends with little ones and last thing I want is the room to smell of musty cigarettes.

She's also really funny about my step mum, she even phoned me a few days before I was due to say she had to meet baby before my step mum did, even though I'm super close to my dad!
She felt she had the right to ask that because she's my mum, but as above we are not close! But apparently just being blood related trumps everything to her! You don't need to put any effort in!
My step mum sees my little one almost weekly, bits him lots of sweet presents, always checking how he is, and makes him laugh constantly.

If my mum comes to the party and sees there closeness, it will definitely annoy/upset her.

If I don't invite her it's very likely she won't find out, I have brothers who all understand if I said don't mention it, and other than that she won't know or see anyone who would be going.
But of course there's always a chance she could find out!

Thoughts!?

Not unreasonable at all.
I'd feel the same way. Although I am NC with my own mother for various reasons.
You've listed the reasons you feel this way, and stated that she'd likely never know.
Enjoy your son's first birthday, and spend it how you want to spend it as a family.
Never feel obligated to do something you don't want to do just because you feel you should.
Best of luck 🩷

The smell of smoke is disgusting but also second hand smoke around your baby is unacceptable to me as a parent.

I wouldnt even make this about the party, I'd make this a general, I can't have second hand smoke around my child.

Think of his little lungs. It's more than just a smell.

EDIT third hand smoke in fabrics but whatever, same difference

You don’t want to invite your mum to your child’s 1st birthday, because your new friends might think she smells of smoke. You are inviting you stepmother though.

You need to plan what you are going to say when she finds out, as she will find out.

I think it's very clear that's not what OP is saying at all

If your mum can't behave around stepmum that's reason enough.

I'm curious - have you ever told her that even her clean clothes smell of smoke? With little one being so tiny if you want her to have cuddles with him I'd suggest she orders a set of clothes to be delivered to your house and she change into them upon arrival at yours, (put her clothes in her car) and she change back to leave and you launder that set of clothes for next time. It's a PITA for you, but it's your baby's health.

Yes I understand this, we see her for such a short time she doesn't smoke whilst with us, but I do worry about the third hand smoke.
I think if I saw her more often I might make a bigger deal of it.

I understand you have picked up on me talking about presents, I really don't view presents as a value to someone's relationship and I probably didn't need to write that, what my step mum and my dad give is there time, we see them almost weekly, they ring and check in to see how we are, in the newborn stage they bought food etc to help out, in terms of presents these are little £1 etc toys/books she sees in the charity shop, it's not the presents I like its the fact that even when we are not with her she is thinking about my son.

Yes what my friends think is important, they all have under ones and they may not want their babies exposed to third hand smoke.

You say more important than my mum, but as I've explained I don't feel she has been much of a mum/gran, previously I would see her 4 times a year, a total of maybe 3-4hrs a yr! I should note we live in the same town!
She has met my son 5 times in 11mths, twice when he was newborn, then Christmas, my birthday and my mum's birthday.
I never say no to her seeing me or him if she calls.

My new friends have one year olds who they might not appreciate being around third hand smoke.
Yes as I've explained my step mum is much closer to my son, seeing him regularly.

Why do you feel she will find out?
Her only connection is my brothers, who are very aware and feel the same as me about our relationship with our mum.
For example for one brother she has not given his 2 children birthday presents for about 6years.
Again presents don't matter to us, but time and effort do and her grandkids don't get that either.

Thankyou.
Yes I know, I don't like it, as I say she is asked to wear fresh but she can't smell that they are still smoky just from smoking in her house, Inc her bedroom.
She sees us so little that I feel the small amount of time probably compared to the upset/annoyance it might cause of asking her isn't worth it.
I was the 80's child bought up in a smoky house and I seem to be ok! Generally fit and healthy! So hopefully 5 times a year of a 5-10min hold is ok!

Unless there’s other issues (I’m NC/LC with my family) I’d just invite her. Based upon how it reads she probably won’t come or if she does it will be very quick, plus you are in a different building. As you are elsewhere in a hotel there’s no way she will be the only person who smells of smoke.

WandaWonder · Today 00:02
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So basically what your friends think is more important than your own mum but as long as someone buys your child presents they get an invite?”

So basically smoking is more important to OP’s mother than her grandchild.

The pp has made a good suggestion of new clothes delivered to your house for your mum to change into. Maybe mum could even shower at yours?

It's a lot of faff I know but it seems very cruel to exclude a mum who not been cruel or mean to you and who makes the effort to see her daughter and grandson every couple of months.

I would ask her if she’d like to do something for the afternoon to celebrate your sons birthday and make it outside somewhere like a farm park or something so you don’t have to smell the smoke. You can get some coffee and nice cake. So she has had a nice special one on one celebration. Then if she asks about any other plans I would tell her you are having a party but it’s baby friends. If she does find out your dad was there you can say it was in helper capacity and you had your lovely afternoon out so she won’t be upset. I think you are feeling guilty but you don’t need to

Just another thought, my mum never contacts me and unless I call we'd go weeks without talking. I said this to her once and she was horrified by how I felt thinking she was respecting my privacy as a busy mum by not hassling me and thought she'd let me ring her when I had a chance.
We live a few hours away and only see each other about 4 times a year so your situation isn't very different apart from the smoking which I would also hate, she probably isn't aware of if she isn't actually smoking around you and is accustomed to it.

I'm just putting a different perspective on it because I felt my mum wasn't interested and didn't make an effort but she thought she was doing right by me and that lack of communication came between us for a while.

As for the birthday party, it's up to you who you invite and I wouldn't want the focus on anything other than the birthday boy so if it would be uncomfortable or cause an atmosphere then it's not the place and I'd only invite people who will help him celebrate and enjoy his day and make it memorable for the right reasons. Only you know who that is.

I think she will find out because, even if she doesn’t see the baby much, given she made a big deal about seeing him “first” she will know when his birthday is. She might ask about any planned celebrations and being invited, or she may want to give a gift. Best to think about how you would handle that.

I just couldn’t do that . Potentially too hurtful. Can’t you just tell her about the smoking ?

Can someone clarify third-hand smoke?
First - in room with someone smoking
Second - picking up smoke smell from clothes, breath of a smoker etc
Third - ?

Intially I thought you was being unreasona but as I read the smokers smell, chain-smoking and not really get on and she wont find out - you are being reasonable. The stench sinks into your skin and chain smokers' clothing smells as soon as they have one smoke as it gets into the hair/skin etc

Lets hope she does not just turn up with a card and a present as some people, close family does

I'm with you OP

I probably wouldn't invite her either especially if she's unlikely to find out. Your mum sounds very similar to mine - smokes indoors and her house and clothes smell awful because of it. We've always had issues but get on OK now that I live abroad and see her rarely. I'm expecting my first baby and she's already talking about having them stay over at her smoky house! If I mentioned the smell she would get very offended and cause a big drama, so I'm already trying to come up with excuses. It's a.shame but there's not much else you can do.

Don’t be ridiculous. The woman smells of cigarette smoke. No one who smoked ever got to hold my babies. It’s disgusting and harmful.

I know two women of the generation above mine who were told by their daughters of my age when pregnant that if they wanted to visit and enjoy grand parenting, they needed to stop smoking otherwise it wasn’t happening . Both women stopped after 40 plus years of smoking and both said it was the jolt they needed. No one has a right to see and hold grandchildren anyway but they certainly do not have to right to do so if they stink of cigarette smoke.

Why don't you suggest celebrating his birthday with her at a child friendly cafe. Ideally before the other event. Then if she finds out about the other event you can say celebrating with you first or if it can't be beforehand that you didn't want her to feel awkward with your dad and sm so thought you'd have a special event just the three of you. If she says she's not up for it then you've made the offer.

first half of your sentence not the present bit I think myself and many others would answer yes of course it is.

Talk about twisting someones words!

Is that really what you took from the post?