Not inviting my mum to sons 1st bday

[Cornishcaf]

Sorry long post! 🙈
To put it into context I have never had a close relationship with my mum, we never argued particularly but we have never been close.
I didn't grow up with her being interested in me and my life and no closeness hugs/kisses etc
Since moving out at 16 we would see each other an average of 4 times per year, Christmas, birthdays and mother's day, these would normally just be a cup of tea for an hour.
She would say she wants to see us more, so I would try and ask her out for lunch etc which we would meet but these invites were never reciprocated, so I gave up asking.
She would rather we came to her house and sit in front of the TV!

Now the other issue is my mum is a huge chain smoker, she smokes indoors, her house is yellow, and smells, I would wear old clothes to her house and need to go home and immediately jump in the shower and change clothes as they smell so much, If she visits me we would need to subtly put throws on our sofa so we could wash them, if she doesn't sit on a throw we would need to wash the sofa covers, as all her clothes smell like old musty smoke.

Since having my son who is 11 months, she has seen him about 5 times, she never checks in or shown any support, just popped by on occasions, had a cup of tea a cuddle with baby and left, I did ask when she visited to wear fresh clothes that she had not smoked in, but because she smokes in her house even her fresh clothes smell.
I have to bathe and wash baby's hair after she holds him.

We are holding a gathering of friends and family for our son's 1st birthday at a local hotel, nothing fancy, we just wanted to be in one place for a few hours where people can pop in and say hello and celebrate little ones big day!

AIBU to not invite her, she smells so strongly, I frankly feel embarrassed, I have lots of new mum friends with little ones and last thing I want is the room to smell of musty cigarettes.

She's also really funny about my step mum, she even phoned me a few days before I was due to say she had to meet baby before my step mum did, even though I'm super close to my dad!
She felt she had the right to ask that because she's my mum, but as above we are not close! But apparently just being blood related trumps everything to her! You don't need to put any effort in!
My step mum sees my little one almost weekly, bits him lots of sweet presents, always checking how he is, and makes him laugh constantly.

If my mum comes to the party and sees there closeness, it will definitely annoy/upset her.

If I don't invite her it's very likely she won't find out, I have brothers who all understand if I said don't mention it, and other than that she won't know or see anyone who would be going.
But of course there's always a chance she could find out!

Thoughts!?

She was a fairly rubbish, disinterested mother

She is a fairly rubbish, disinterested grandmother.

No need to invite her. You don't need the drama

First hand is actually smoking a cigarette yourself!
2nd hand is breathing in someones smoke/in room with smoker
3rd hand is where is lingers on clothes, furnishings etc

It's a great suggestion. I wasn't knocking it in anyway, just not sure if it's achievable or worth the hassle for us

I don't exclude her from seeing me or her grandchild at anytime she wants to, she can call and pop round whenever she likes, but she doesn't. Your right she's not been cruel or mean but I certainly don't think seeing your child and grandad 4-5 times a year for an hour a time is particularly making an effort!

It's a really good point, but after a lifetime of it, I don't feel that bothered about trying to reconnect, when I was younger I would phone her up, take her out for lunch, coffees etc try to establish some back and forth but I never got it.

I took her to London once for an exhibition I knew she would really like, I thought it would be great bonding, on dropping her home I said ring me anytime to catch up, I counted the months, it was 7! When she phoned to ask if I could pick up and drop Xmas presents to my brothers.

I don't really want this to be woe is me! But I guess show why I'm just apathetic about it all!

What dies she say when you confront her with her the low contact she gives and low interest with your son?
Sorry if you have covered that x

I really can't see that clothes with a faint smell of smoke are harmful, certainly less harmful than walking down a road breathing in car fumes, and probably on a par with perfume on a jumper. Putting throws on your sofa is completely ridiculous. Do you not have cooking smells or dirt or ever burn anything?
Smoking hysteria is becoming laughable

Did you ring her during those seven months?
She may equally think you dont bother with her or that she's giving you space to live your own life.
You don't need to be embarrassed that she smells of smoke. I'm sure your friends will have encountered smokers before.

You clearly don't know/haven't experienced the difference between 'faint' and 'oozes out of every pore'

I imagine the OP is talking about the second one

@Nanny0gg
a heavy smoker does smell of smoke, yes. But if she has not recently smoked and is wearing cleanish clothes it will not be 'oozing out of every pore'
How ridiculous. And of course I have experienced heavy smokers. I was one a long time ago and am now very sensitive to the smell as an ex-smoker. Personally I find BO far worse

No not covered it really, I haven't confronted her, as I don't feel the need to or want to. It's her choice and I'm pretty used to not having her as a strong representation in my life.

When someone spends almost 24/7 mainly in there home, chain smoking straights, I couldn't tell you how many but I remember being at her house for half hour once and counting three cigarettes smoked during that time. And she rarely cracks a window.
Trust me it oozes out! Everything smells!
She smokes in her bedroom so all her clothes, even clean soak up that smell.
You said in previous msg putting a throw on sofa is ridiculous, but I cannot explain how when she leaves my house the smell lingers and our furniture where she has sat smells strongly of old cigarette smoke.
As non smokers we probably are super sensitive to it.

No I didn't ring her during those months, I felt I left the ball in her court and tbh I was curious to see how long it would be for her to make the contact.
When you spend a long time being the main one trying you end up feeling what's the point.

I would be really interested if people would be saying the same stuff if it was a one sided friendship ie one friend always making the effort to contact, or because it's a blood relative I am somehow bound to making an effort!?

It's not about finding something more offensive, it's the fact that the smell of smoke is absolutely vile and third hand smoke is grim. The smoke soaks into EVERYTHING when someone smokes like OPs mother does.

Makes sense you're an ex smoker so don't think its that big a deal.

You do not need to tiptoe around this. Your family; your rules! Even if your mum found out about the gathering, you can politely explain how offensive the lingering smell is. I sympathize. My MIL smokes & when she visits, even though she smokes outside, it lingers & reeks so I am always not so discreetly opening windows, spraying febreeze etc. Yuk!

This!!