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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Obsessing over 4th pregnancy. Help me stop.

35 replies

Littlepinkbag · 26/02/2024 19:40

I've 3 beautiful, healthy children, aged 9, 7 and 3. Happy marriage. 3 is our limit for all sorts of practical reasons.

I'm not broody. I don't want another baby, as such.

I feel desperate to be pregnant again. I've started tracking my ovulation and praying for an accident to happen. My husband is militant about using protection and I so want to be pregnant!

I'm 41 and assume my body is just crying out for one last chance. This isn't a gratitude thing, by the way. I can't tell you how grateful I am for my 3. It feels totally senseless, illogical, hormonal and biological. I can't help it, and it's driving me mad.

Please talk me out of this and tell me how U I'm being!

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 26/02/2024 19:42

I think it’s natural! I’m 40 and would love to be pregnant again but I have 2 gorgeous children and our family is complete, we don’t want more but biology definitely kicks in! I voted YABU because I know I am too 🤣

tiredmama23 · 26/02/2024 19:43

No advice to offer as I'm in a very similar situation - I turn 39 this year and already have 2 beautiful children (17 & 3), but I cannot shake that longing for a 3rd! I too feel it's my body / hormones screaming at me because it's the "last chance". 🙁

Solidarity OP x

tiredmama23 · 26/02/2024 19:45

The only difference with me is that I AM broody and very much so want another baby in my arms 😭 but I know that would be so hard and impractical for so many reasons. It's just a primal thing, it's deep within me, definitely not rational at all.

FirstTimeMum897 · 26/02/2024 20:06

Your brain/hormones are messing with you. You do not want a 4th child. Think about it. You'd be almost 60 when they finish high school. Think about all the school trips, tutoring, treats that your existing kids will miss out on because you chose to have a 4th. You're existing kids are almost all coming to really nice ages, you can soon reason with your youngest and send them to school. The chances of a disabled child at your age are so so so high, how will you cope with that?

Think how HARD a pregnancy at 41 would be on your body - I'm 35 and pregnant and it's no walk in the park. I shudder to think about doing this at 41/42.

There are so many downsides (although they are so cute and I love babies so I get it 😍).

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 26/02/2024 20:09

You have no idea if a 4th pregnancy would be like your others. Imagine being laid up on the couch feeling so sick with 3 kids around you who need you.

Original poster
Littlepinkbag · 26/02/2024 20:45

Keep the naysaying coming, ladies!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlepinkbag · 26/02/2024 20:58

My pregnancies were all fine, generally. I never felt like 'I'm never doing this again'. Once the sickness passed, I just loved it. I loved everything about it, even the waddling. The births were all horrible in one way or another and breastfeeding was very stressful with all 3, particularly with the last one.

I know I said it's not a baby I want, but I kind of feel like I'd like to collect my babies like Pokemon cards. I love seeing what they look like and what their personality is, eye colour, what relative they take after. I find it fascinating. I love how the genetics work and have another son all lined up to be conceived and born, just so I can get a look at him. My youngest isn't actually quite 3 yet so I'm still in the baby phase anyway. Maybe I want to have another baby to be like a real life Sylvanian families and play with the baby like a dolly and look at how cute the little animals all are together.

I was an only child and always wanted a huge family; with each new child I feel like lonely little childhood me gets some kind of validation. I can't explain it. It feels satisfying to have a bigger family.my husband is from a big family and his memories are more Hunger Games style survival of the fittest race to survive amongst one's siblings.

It's a drive and feels very strong but also very natural and right to want more babies.

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlepinkbag · 28/02/2024 20:59

I'm coming up to ovulation day and feel like someone with an addiction. Like I have to ride the urge to conceive through until I'm out of my fertile phase and then I will be out the other side, until next month. Does this make sense?

OP posts:
Mummyratbag · 28/02/2024 21:05

The continuation of the human race is driven by these feelings...it's completely normal. If lots of us (not all) didn't feel this way we'd not put up with pregnancy/birth/sleepless nights.

I had my last at 42 and would have loved to have kept going. I'm in my 50s now and it's no longer possible...I have sort of made my peace with it and can see how I'd been even more knackered if I had had more in my 40s.

Blame them damn hormones..

tiredmama23 · 28/02/2024 21:11

Littlepinkbag · 28/02/2024 20:59

I'm coming up to ovulation day and feel like someone with an addiction. Like I have to ride the urge to conceive through until I'm out of my fertile phase and then I will be out the other side, until next month. Does this make sense?

God yes. I'm right there with you OP - I could have written that myself!

Littlemisscapable · 28/02/2024 21:14

I felt like this and then we had a fourth ! It has been fantastic but some things are harder.. the little gang of 3 he was born into are now a lot more separate and we are pulled in more directions.. he doesn't have as much company as they did at the same age..and obviously it is more expensive. At 45 I can definitely say it was hormones talking but it's a difficult time for women..big change is coming.focus on yourself instead and your identity/career when this phase is over..

Sallyh87 · 28/02/2024 21:15

I totally get it! I don’t even want anymore children, I just have this uncontrollable urge to get pregnant. My health is poor and I shouldn’t but have a real urge.

Not the most helpful post as I have no advice. Hopefully it will just pass!

JoleneTookHerMan · 28/02/2024 21:20

FirstTimeMum897 · 26/02/2024 20:06

Your brain/hormones are messing with you. You do not want a 4th child. Think about it. You'd be almost 60 when they finish high school. Think about all the school trips, tutoring, treats that your existing kids will miss out on because you chose to have a 4th. You're existing kids are almost all coming to really nice ages, you can soon reason with your youngest and send them to school. The chances of a disabled child at your age are so so so high, how will you cope with that?

Think how HARD a pregnancy at 41 would be on your body - I'm 35 and pregnant and it's no walk in the park. I shudder to think about doing this at 41/42.

There are so many downsides (although they are so cute and I love babies so I get it 😍).

I had my youngest just before my 40th. I will be nearly 60 when she's almost 20.
pregnancy was hard but not harder than with my first when I was a few years younger.

None if this I consider a 'downside'

'A disabled child at your age?' Really?

hollyandivyknickers · 28/02/2024 21:24

Breathe through it ! Three is lots now. You will wave the school run years without a backward look.

and there are more likely to be issues as you get older.

I had this madness. DH was dead set against. He prevailed and now I am very glad he did.

WithACatLikeTread · 28/02/2024 21:25

FirstTimeMum897 · 26/02/2024 20:06

Your brain/hormones are messing with you. You do not want a 4th child. Think about it. You'd be almost 60 when they finish high school. Think about all the school trips, tutoring, treats that your existing kids will miss out on because you chose to have a 4th. You're existing kids are almost all coming to really nice ages, you can soon reason with your youngest and send them to school. The chances of a disabled child at your age are so so so high, how will you cope with that?

Think how HARD a pregnancy at 41 would be on your body - I'm 35 and pregnant and it's no walk in the park. I shudder to think about doing this at 41/42.

There are so many downsides (although they are so cute and I love babies so I get it 😍).

I had my youngest at 35 and although slightly harder than the one at 30 it was still reasonably easy. You talk like you are geriatric.

Original poster
Littlepinkbag · 29/02/2024 04:47

I think I've ovulated as the craziness seems to have lifted a lot overnight. My body doesn't feel like it's on the brink of creation, if that makes sense. Something has shifted.
I keep trying to think back to the last delivery. As soon as I was wheeled out of theatre, I told my husband to book a vasectomy. That was the first thing I said to him after our child was born! The recovery was terrible. Breastfeeding was torture: so painful that I was screaming in the hospital bed (very unlike me). I have the same urge to breastfeed wheb I have a baby, as I have to get pregnant now unfortunately!!! I got a lactation consultant as I had a low milk supply and was on a gruelling programme of pumping, breastfeeding, and topping up with expressed milk until my supply increased and it was brutal. It worked but it nearly cost me my sanity!

Then the sleep...my 3 year old only started sleeping last year. Some nights she was awake every 20 minutes. There were times I would be walking down the street and would really wonder if I would make it to our house without literally collapsing on the footpath!

We have no support as we live far from family.

In saying all.of this, every second of pain and discomfort has been worth it. My kids are amazing. Everyone comments on what fun, sweet, hilarious children my kids are and I just want to see what another one would be like!

But deep down, I know that 3 is the limit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlepinkbag · 29/02/2024 04:52

hollyandivyknickers · 28/02/2024 21:24

Breathe through it ! Three is lots now. You will wave the school run years without a backward look.

and there are more likely to be issues as you get older.

I had this madness. DH was dead set against. He prevailed and now I am very glad he did.

Ah, I work in a school and the school run is just me going to work! Which I love! Definitely breathing through it!

OP posts:
EmmaGrundyForPM · 29/02/2024 05:01

One of my friends decided at 40 to go for baby number 4. Baby number 4 turned out to be babies 4 and 5. There's a higher chance of twin pregnancies in older mums.

Scalottia · 29/02/2024 07:30

YABU. Nobody needs 4 children. Having a child at your age comes with more risk. Be happy with what you have. Just ignore the urges, it's just biology doing what it does. It will pass. 3 children is more than enough.

Starspangledrodeopony · 29/02/2024 07:38

Hormones are mental. 😬

Genuinelyenquiring · 29/02/2024 07:38

Littlepinkbag · 26/02/2024 20:58

My pregnancies were all fine, generally. I never felt like 'I'm never doing this again'. Once the sickness passed, I just loved it. I loved everything about it, even the waddling. The births were all horrible in one way or another and breastfeeding was very stressful with all 3, particularly with the last one.

I know I said it's not a baby I want, but I kind of feel like I'd like to collect my babies like Pokemon cards. I love seeing what they look like and what their personality is, eye colour, what relative they take after. I find it fascinating. I love how the genetics work and have another son all lined up to be conceived and born, just so I can get a look at him. My youngest isn't actually quite 3 yet so I'm still in the baby phase anyway. Maybe I want to have another baby to be like a real life Sylvanian families and play with the baby like a dolly and look at how cute the little animals all are together.

I was an only child and always wanted a huge family; with each new child I feel like lonely little childhood me gets some kind of validation. I can't explain it. It feels satisfying to have a bigger family.my husband is from a big family and his memories are more Hunger Games style survival of the fittest race to survive amongst one's siblings.

It's a drive and feels very strong but also very natural and right to want more babies.

Ooooh I can relate to this and it's total MADNESS. A fourth would be a disaster for all sorts of reasons but I would love one more!!

stormonasummerseve · 29/02/2024 11:00

Ah see i feel lucky here because I'm 41 and my son is 20 so that brings me down to earth sharpish 😂

maybein2022 · 29/02/2024 11:26

Ah OP I am the same. We have 3 and in fact number 3 was a surprise baby and now the longing for one more is intense even though we were only expecting to have 2! Realistically like you I know it’s not a good idea though.

Original poster
Littlepinkbag · 29/02/2024 15:58

So good to know that I am not alone in this absolute craziness! I keep thinking about how exhilarating it would be to see a positive pregnancy test, to tell people, to have the bump, to have a family photo shoot with me and my big bump and my kids gathered around me. My body just wants more and its the oddest thing.

OP posts:
HappierTimesAhead · 29/02/2024 16:03

EmmaGrundyForPM · 29/02/2024 05:01

One of my friends decided at 40 to go for baby number 4. Baby number 4 turned out to be babies 4 and 5. There's a higher chance of twin pregnancies in older mums.

😲 This made me shudder!