To pull my child from this setting?

[scarecrowswedding]

Ds, 3.5, at current childminders since July 23. Was fine leaving me at the door from the start but CM reported he struggled to settle in and would be defiant sometimes, struggled to share etc for the first couple of months. He's also very fussy with food due to undiagnosed allergies for the first couple of years of his life (he was sick for a long time) - CM asked me to provide his food because it was different to what she served the others- fine.

Then he started to really flourish it seemed, began to play well with the other children, have great relationships with the staff, fall into a good routine with eating and sleeping.

About a month ago CM reported he was being more difficult on Fridays, I assumed tired because the end of the week. Nothing too alarming- just being more defiant again and not wanting to share. Normal 3 year old behaviour from what I know of 3 year olds.

Last Friday, out of the blue, I receive a video from her of ds sat on a chair by himself in the middle of the kitchen, screaming and crying in distress. Along with a message from CM saying she's not sure they can continue to work with him because of his disruptive behaviour and I need to pick him up right away. So I rush over in a panic, he's fine by this point and she says that perhaps we should reduce his hours to half days and see how he goes. I get teary and just kind of agree. Worried because I work, but she knows my work can be flexible.

Over the weekend dp and I decided to pull him out. He was leaving in a month anyway because we are moving house- so I'm just leaving work a month earlier than planned. Not ideal but do-able. I sent her a message explaining why the way it was dealt with was upsetting and I felt unprofessional. Also detailing the 4 week notice required by her to make changes to the schedule as per the contract. She replied quite apologetically, saying that she MEANT to put in the message that we should discuss options that may suit ds better, she wasn't kicking him out, she just wants the best for him, etc.

Was ibu to pull him out? My mum thinks I shouldn't contact ofsted and show them the video. It was an awfully distressing thing to receive. She just managed this really clumsily I think.

Sorry that should say ... 'mum thinks I SHOULD contact ofsted'

She works in child protection so I tend to take her advice on these things

Hi, I work with children myself and I think the video was unnecessary and inappropriate. She could have described his behaviour to you over the phone or in a message and asked for you to come in.

Did he know he was being filmed? If so, that is really shaming behaviour and I would question how she manages behaviour in general.

You're right to pull him out, I would have done the same.

I'd pull DC out immediately and send video to OFSTED

It sounds like she was at her wit's end, and that showing you the video was the only way to get through to you.
I'm NOT saying for one moment it was the right thing to do. It must have been extremely distressing for you to receive
But if you're being totally honest with yourself, had she approached you before and had you dismissed her concerns? Your OP does make it sound like you're in denial over his behaviour.

She sounds a shit CM.
Pull him out

It doesn't sound like she did anything wrong? She recorded a meltdown and askd you to collect? I would want to collect my child of they were that distressed. What would you have preferred she did?

It's the filming of it that doesn't sit right, in all fairness to the OP. If he's being filmed, then he can't be comforted. And it does seem pretty intrusive.

She was recording him while he was massively distressed, and he knew he was being recorded. And she said in a casual text message alongside it that she wanted to cease his care altogether, as in not have him return. If she really wanted that, or to change the schedule at all, it needed to be handled more delicately- a meeting arranged perhaps.

Yes he did, camera was right in front of his face. My heart just dropped when I opened it

You'd have doubts taking him back.
You won't regret having the time together caring for him.

You've done what is right for you, yanbu

I would imagine she's filmed him to cover her own back in case she gets accused of making it up about the meltdowns. Usually when you sign your contracts you sign a permission form for photos and videos relating to observations, that would include behavioural observations.

If he's being filmed, then he can't be comforted.

In some instances, trying to comfort a child who is extremely distressed or dysregulated is counterproductive and can make it worse. When that happens it's best to let the child wind down and then comfort them once they're on the downward side of it, it can also be a safety issue if the child is trying to hit or kick anyone who comes near.

You were planning to remove him anyway so just proceed with your plans. From the information you've posted it doesn't sound like there is anything there that would warrant Ofsted involvement.

Def pull him out. That’s shocking. If reporting to Ofsted feels too much, maybe just have a chat with her after your ds has left.

She sends texts messages on Fridays occasionally saying he's been more upset than usual, been more difficult than usual today. In response I offer possible reasons, and ask if there's anything I can be doing to help. But really, I'm not sure what she wants me to do with the information as he's not doing anything extraordinarily naughty or disruptive. The meltdown she recorded was the first time he'd ever been so upset at her setting as far as I know! Perhaps I should've been taking it more seriously before

I don't understand what regulation she has broken to warrant an ofsted investigation.

Thanks for your input everybody so far, yes OFSTED seems a bit much but his dad is really upset by it, as is my mum and they want to complain. I think as I know her, I know that she's usually very kind and has just acted clumsily

That’s horrible and inappropriate. Firstly what’s her policy on photos and filming? What has happened to the clip?
how had she tried to confirm him?
what value was there for you or her in sending this ? Had you disbelieved her in the past about his behaviour? So she felt evidence was needed?

personally I’d report to ofsted if this was out of the blue

Sending a video like that via text is an absolutely disgusting and completely unprofessional and unacceptable way to let a parent know that their child is distressed in a childcare setting and needs picking up.

What a cunt.

I’d report her to Ofsted first thing tomorrow.

How long was the video? A 5 second clip is very different to a 2 minute one. I don't think it was necessarily for her to send it, she could have just messaged to say he is really upset and if you had refused, then maybe sent the video.
1 video is not representative of a child's whole day, every toddler had meltdowns

Really unprofessional, badly handled by the childminder. I wouldn't trust them to look after my child, if she isn't able to comfort him, had she put him on a 'naughty step' sounds like it from the video? What are her behaviour policies? Why was he sat on a chair in the middle of the kitchen in such distress? She should be ashamed he had got in that state and she couldn't handle it, not sent you it accusingly demanding you pick him up. She clearly doesn't know how to handle typical 3 year old behaviour. I do know of childminders who try to get out of looking after any child who isn't easy/shy.

My former CM did something similar and it was very upsetting. I didn't report her to Ofsted and tbh I wouldn't do that if I were you although perhaps tell her that you are thinking of it to give her a wake up call?

I did remove my son and put him a nursery and he is much, much happier there.

Ofsted will only get involved if the childminder is in violation of her registration requirements which, badly handled situation aside, it doesn't sound like she is. They would also expect you to have raised to issue with her first as most issues can be resolved at the first hurdle simply by talking to one another.

You could make a formal written complaint, once received she must carry out an investigation and she must tell you about the outcome of that and any actions she'll be taking as a result (e.g., reviewing her behaviour policy). She has 28 days to do this and the complaint has to be held on file for other service users to see if requested. If you're not satisfied with the outcome of your complaint or if she doesn't respond properly then you would have grounds to ask Ofsted to step in.

The trouble with just relaying things vocally is that it's one person's word against another's.
Maybe, due to your previous relationship, she felt that video evidence was needed.

Maybe you need to get to the root of your child's behaviour?

This.

Why the fuck was she videoing him instead of trying to help him?

What other inappropriate things might she have decided to video?

What has she done with the video now?

This is definitely a case of ‘if she thinks this is ok what other inappropriate things is she doing?’

I think I would want to try and establish why he was getting so distressed only on a Friday. It can surely only be because of a change of routine or another person, either a child or a member of staff who is not there on the other days.
Is there more to it?
I suppose it doesn't really matter now as you have removed him but it just sounds a bit odd.