To pull my child from this setting?

[scarecrowswedding]

Ds, 3.5, at current childminders since July 23. Was fine leaving me at the door from the start but CM reported he struggled to settle in and would be defiant sometimes, struggled to share etc for the first couple of months. He's also very fussy with food due to undiagnosed allergies for the first couple of years of his life (he was sick for a long time) - CM asked me to provide his food because it was different to what she served the others- fine.

Then he started to really flourish it seemed, began to play well with the other children, have great relationships with the staff, fall into a good routine with eating and sleeping.

About a month ago CM reported he was being more difficult on Fridays, I assumed tired because the end of the week. Nothing too alarming- just being more defiant again and not wanting to share. Normal 3 year old behaviour from what I know of 3 year olds.

Last Friday, out of the blue, I receive a video from her of ds sat on a chair by himself in the middle of the kitchen, screaming and crying in distress. Along with a message from CM saying she's not sure they can continue to work with him because of his disruptive behaviour and I need to pick him up right away. So I rush over in a panic, he's fine by this point and she says that perhaps we should reduce his hours to half days and see how he goes. I get teary and just kind of agree. Worried because I work, but she knows my work can be flexible.

Over the weekend dp and I decided to pull him out. He was leaving in a month anyway because we are moving house- so I'm just leaving work a month earlier than planned. Not ideal but do-able. I sent her a message explaining why the way it was dealt with was upsetting and I felt unprofessional. Also detailing the 4 week notice required by her to make changes to the schedule as per the contract. She replied quite apologetically, saying that she MEANT to put in the message that we should discuss options that may suit ds better, she wasn't kicking him out, she just wants the best for him, etc.

Was ibu to pull him out? My mum thinks I shouldn't contact ofsted and show them the video. It was an awfully distressing thing to receive. She just managed this really clumsily I think.

I'd be pretty furious about this tbh. Why did she film it? What was he crying about?

I would report to Ofsted myself. This just strikes me as really wrong. It makes me feel very uncomfortable on behalf of your son.

Ofsted won’t get involved in this, they’ll at most phone the child minder to speak to her about the incident and tell her a complaint has been made. She’ll tell them what happened and that will be that.
It seems like she filmed it so that you could see what she was having to try and manage. I had a friend who got upset that her son’s child minder told her how difficult he was and she was really cross about it. That same child now needs 2 adults to take care of him in a specialist setting so the child minder had a point.

Recording a distressed child is just plain wrong. Would you film another adult in distress or want yourself filmed as you cry? No? Then don't do it to a child.

It does sound like it's the wrong song for your child as he doesn't seem to know quite where he stands from day to day. CM should be explaining to you what she is doing to try and help him and offering possible explanations herself. Is there a cold there on Fridays that isn't there the other days you DC goes who might be upsetting/provoking him? Is there a change in routine that day? Can she tell you what she had actually tried in supporting him?

If you truly believe this was a one-time bad decision then that's fab but if you can afford to finish work now and care for him at home and that's what you want to do then do that. It won't harm him.

As for sending it to Ofsted.... I think I'm as on the fence as you are!

Surely ofsted can decide themselves if it's too much? Report her to stop her doing it to another child.

Yes agreed, I couldn't complain in good faith because I don't think she's a risk to children. I'm not upset about her raising concerns with his behaviour, it's good to know what I might have to tackle when he goes to school and what to warn the school about/ what behaviours to concentrate on tackling at home

Hoping that me telling her the recording was inappropriate will stop her doing it to another parent, she's only been open 2 years and has confessed herself that all the kids she's had have been really easy/placid kids

What a shame it’s ended this way, as you say your son was flourishing up until recently, I wonder what happened?
I doubt OFSTED would do anything tbh but that’s your call. I agree sending a video of a child in distress is not good, but she sounds like she’s done all she can but it’s just not enough - so she’s had enough?
I’m sure you’ll all be happier parting company so YANBU.

I always think childminding is more casual and for easier children. Of course there has to be a level of professionalism. My ds has always been rejected from one and even now he's in school, after school club won't have him.
I wouldn't bother reporting, you were leaving anyway, she didn't kick him out, no case.

I’m not in the UK, but what sort of education would these staff usually have?

Had I acted like this I would have lost my job on the spot.

That's horrible, and she sounds out of her depth with normal child behaviour. I wouldn't trust her with my child again. And what's with her changing her mind about what she said regarding him leaving her permanently? She's blown it tbh. I hope your son's OK.

But is this not where her education should show, that she knows how to take on challenging behaviour? For me these children are gold. They do their absolute best, and so then should I.

@selectiveparticipations exactly. He can be challenging, but he's never violent. He had a speech delay so he's learning how to express his emotions while his speech catches up. I just don't think an ofsted report is going to achieve anything, hoping she learns from this situation.

@Biffbaff thank you, he's okay. It's actually turned out to be a really nice opportunity to get some quality time together before we move house

It should not have happened in the first place.

She's only been childminding for a couple of years and probably doesn't have any experience or training on challenging behaviour.

OP, if you want to make a formal complaint it needs to go to the childminder rather than Ofsted.

However, to me it sounds like it's not the right setting for your DS and she is struggling with him - I'd just draw a line under the whole thing and move on.

I would also say whether to take it further depends alot on how long the video is (afew seconds to show you then comfroting him straight away would be very different from any longer spent sticking a camera in his face turning it into an humiliating show of shame) and also why he was sitting on the chair crying.....was it because she had disciplined him harshly and made him cry? Told him to sit there?

The rest of how she has handled it maybe isn't ideal but doesn't sound too concerning, but there is definitely something not right here and your DS definitely doesn't seem happy and is communicating that through his behaviours (I'm guessing this is out of character and not what he is like at home?)

Kindy this, it sounds like she had tried to talk to you about his behaviour?

Can anyone be a childminder in the UK, is there no real higher education needed? I find this so very strange.

To care for other children in your own home you just have to have a safe home, no criminal record, first aid training and do a short introductory course about child development (like 5x 2 hour evening classes).

I used to work in Early Years. Please report this to Ofsted. It is unacceptable to video a 3 year old in distress for whatever reason & no matter for how long. If his behaviour is concerning then a conversation with you describing it & agreeing a joint approach for managing it was appropriate. Your son is out of the environment but Ofsted need to ensure all children are being cared for in a safe, nurturing environment where they can thrive

The video was disgusting. Anyone who can't see that must have some seriously dodgy parenting practice themselves. She was not attempting to comfort but instead filming a distressed little boy. I'd pull him out and complain to Ofsted and send them the video. She should not be caring for children. Report and then they can decide what to do about it.

It's this kind of thing that made me choose a nursery instead of CM, there will be great ones but there are so many who are out of their depth, have old fashioned ideas/practices and there's no day to day accountability.
That and as part of my safeguarding position I have to QA LA early years audits, and there is a stark difference between nursery and CM responses.
Edited to add this is because I sit as co-chair of the safeguarding adults and safeguarding children boards, I don't work in early years provision generally.

Report it OP. She needs to recognise firstly that this is serious and secondly if she struggled with one child who isn't 'easy ' she needs further training on behaviour management and support techniques

Maybe I’m biased but I chose a childminder over a nursery.
she was absolutely brilliant ( ex primary school teacher ) so far more qualified than many of the nursery nurses working in local nurseries ( who mostly looked bored stiff )
I’m not sure what qualifications a person needs to look after children successfully, apart from a genuine love of children and heaps of patience, & common sense. Yes a good grasp of child development is important, but even the most experienced person can find one particular child too much ( it also happens in nurseries! )
my child thrived. But he was an easy going, fairly shy little boy who would have got completely swamped in a nursery - who in my opinion, have too many children.

Could he just be absolutely exhausted by the Friday. I'm a CM and I know of one little girl who is in all day every day, never gets a day off. Weekends she's 'kept busy' because she's challenging and any time off parents have she's still in, even when poorly. Sometimes you can just tell she's plain exhausted. I'm not necessarily saying your case is exactly the same but may explain why it's just the Friday.

As for the query, it's a difficult one. Sounds like just the inexperience here has made this more difficult than it needs to be. Sounds like she's just snapped when it's got so difficult. It can be very hard dealing with a disruptive child especially when you don't have a lot of experience. I would maybe leave it at that and maybe gently tell her how upset you were by the video. But it might also be worth looking in to some strategies to help your little one with their behaviour so you can have some answers for the next cm if the same thing happens again

He does sound more tricky than usual kids

does he have other asd signs?
Than the speech delay.
As ime more kids do behave with other settings and not doing that maybe a red flag.
As then hes struggling in moee than 1 setting

When does he go to school?

I imagine with a CM the routine changes quite a bit.
Fridays might be more or less busy as parents may not work a friday