WTF is it with weird adults forcing hugs with kids

[Whatwoowootoo]

Got home tonight after work to an annoyed DD (5), annoyed because my dad has forced her to have a hug. My DH arrived home at the same time and DM was in the living room with them but for some reason he thinks it’s ok to force a hug.

They only have them for 2 hrs after school and now I’m going to have to cancel that!! What the fuck is wrong with him!! I don’t think there is anything more to it but why force a hug. He’s always pushed boudaries but apparently he was cuddling her and she was shouting to be let go. It’s so fucking weird.

I actually am so angry and so is my DD. She wants to do ASC now instead of have time with her DGD - and I’m gonna let her. Why would anyone want to spend time with someone who doesn’t respect a fucking no!!!!

Don’t even need a AIBU really because I know I’m not. Just needed a rant

I think if your opinions don't match with your parents style, its madness to have them minding your child.

They're only doing it as a favour to you, so prob best to go for the after school club.

I take it this is not the first time he's made her angry/uncomfortable if she's opting for ASC, instead of asking you/DH to have a word?

I won’t be anymore. Looking for alternative now

No he oversteps a lot. Things like her making a puzzle and asking him not to help and he finishes it. Things like that. This is too far though.

AFS club it is then.

In my experience some of the older generation don’t get this. My DCs’ DGP wouldn’t have forced a hug but would have expressed some upset at refusal.

I think it used to be more culturally acceptable to expect children to hug/kiss older relatives whether they wanted to or not. I remember being made to and hating it. If he can't accept that it's not happening with your DD then he can't look after her. I'd go for the ASC.

He normally does and has before done a quick half arm type hug when it seems she doesnt want it. This was like a forced baby hug though. Very weird. He has other stuff going on so I think this has highlighted his inability to be able to provide ok care for them.

The people who voted that YABU need to have a word with themselves. I'd be livid as well. You are right to send her to ASC instead.

He’s been told before. It’s so frustrating and sad

https://motherwellmag.com/2018/11/21/fighting-the-patriarchy-one-grandpa-at-a-time/comment-page-2/

Everyone hates unwanted hugs. It's especially inappropriate to force it on a child.

It’s frustrating and sad but I’m so glad to read you have your DD’s back. It’s also great that you have other options which solves one layer of the issue.

I genuinely think you’ve assured her sense of security and trust in you.

I find it odd that something like this would be made a deal of. If my DD would have said her GP hugged her and she didn't want to I'd think no more of if, especially with 2 other adults in the room. Sounds like kids being kids, but I know that's something you can't say on MN.

Really. She was shouting “get off” and my dad wasn’t letting go and so she was screamed. My DH walked in when it was happening as he heard the noise and saw the end of it. My mum wouldn’t say anything.

What does "kids being kids" mean in this context?

YANBU, this really drives me mad. I've stepped in with relatives before and unleashed a whole load of aggro (on myself). I don't care, nobody's overriding my daughter's no. Sue me. 😂

Like:

No I don't want to put my coat on
No I don't want to go to school
No I don't want to eat that pasta
No I only want to eat that pasta
No I don't want a hug
No I don't want to watch that show

You know. But as I say, not allowed to say that on MN.

Perhaps try reading the article I linked upthread. Bit of an eye opener.

You’re not in the wrong op. It’s not “no mean no except if …”

I find it really grim.

I have 4 children, boy, girl, boy, girl. Strangely when my sons refused hugs it aas 'he's so independent.' When my daughters did it was 'be kind to granny and give her a hug.'

I've instilled into them all, but especially the girls, it's their body, it's their choice. And it certainly isn't their job to placate the feelings of any man.

I remember having kissing a certain uncle. He had this tickly mustache that was always a bit wet, he hugged me too tightly, I didn't like him for so many reasons I couldn't fully explain aged 8, I did not like that man, it felt wrong when he touched me. But i couldnt articulate that fully to my parents meant they always made me kiss him goodbye or thankyou, because hugging too tight or having a wet tash wasn't a reason to be rude.

He was a peadohpile who molested two other relatives before he was caught.

Kids should be taught its their body and they should be able to choose who touches them and how. Teach them how to own their 'no!' Don't have them going against their feelings, enduring people touching or kissing them so they're not making a fuss.

All of those things are quite different to physical affection. Forcing a hug is weird.

Having said that I don’t know any parent who force feeds their child. They might offer only a small selection of food but they don’t physically force it down their throat. Also who would force a child to watch a show.

In fact it’s weird you seem to think children should be forced

@Niknakk No one at any age should be forced to hug someone. Would you be happy to be hugged by someone if you'd already told them to get off?

Yup. Bodily autonomy for kids - especially little girls is really important. I would do the same as you OP.